Lies and Weddings(111)

“That is the countess’s seat. The countess always sits across from the earl, to the right of the honored male guest,” Thomas explained.

“Turban dude, switch with me. You’re the honored male guest now.” Luis Felipe got up and moved to take Gopal Das’s seat between Augie and Eden. “Can’t escape me now!” Luis Felipe said, jabbing Eden on her bare shoulder. “So, tell me why you’re avoiding me.”

“I had other plans. You came on such short notice,” Eden said diplomatically.

“I can always come on short notice.” Luis Felipe snorted at his own joke. “So…hot date? Matched with someone on Hinge?”

“Nah, I much prefer meeting random strangers at pubs.”

“Aha! You are avoiding me! You’d rather be at the pub hooking up with strangers than at a dinner in my honor,” Luis Felipe continued to tease.

“For fuck’s sake, Eden’s not avoiding you! She wasn’t invited to dinner!” Augie suddenly blurted out.

“Oh. Why? Eden, did you do something naughty?” Luis Felipe teased.

“She’s persona non grata because Mummy has a ridiculous grudge against her,” Augie said.

Francis cleared his throat loudly. “Augusta, are you feeling out of sorts?”

“I am not out of sorts. In fact, I’m feeling better than I have in days.”

“You’ve been sick?” Luis Felipe asked.

“No, just sad. You see, my husband left me for another woman who’s much richer and sexier.” Arabella and Bea gasped audibly, but Augie ignored them. “I’ve had enough of this bloody farce, and I’m sick of never saying what’s on my mind. It’s exhausting and soul depleting, isn’t that right, Gopal Das?”

“It is if it makes you feel that way,” Gopal Das replied.

“Cuntess Arabella, why the ridiculous grudge against Eden?” Luis Felipe asked.

“I do not have a ridiculous grudge,” Arabella responded dismissively.

“Then explain to our honored guest why Eden’s been banished from this house and for all intents and purposes the village,” Augie said.

“I’m just not a fan of deceit in my house or my village,” Arabella said lightly.

Eden was about to respond when Rufus spoke up in her defense. “How has Eden deceived you? She hasn’t done a thing!”

“Eden tried to deceive me and failed pathetically, but she succeeded in deceiving you. You’re just too much of a simpleton to see it.”

Thomas Tong stood up and looked across the table at his daughter. “Eden, let’s go.”

Rufus glanced at his mother angrily. “Look, you’ve offended Dr. Tong with your delusions!”

“I have no delusions. You’re the one that still won’t accept that Eden seduced Freddy Farman-Farmihian just to make you jealous.”

Luis Felipe winked at Eden in amusement. “You’ve been boning the little Persian?”

Eden shook her head wearily.

Arabella doubled down on her accusations. “Not only did she bone the little Persian, but she slipped up and got herself preggers! And yet my gullible son has fallen for her tawdry little scheme.”

Luis Felipe’s jaw dropped. “Wait, wait, I can’t keep up. Eden’s knocked up with the Persian’s spawn and Pretty Boy Hapa’s in love with her too?”

“Precisely,” Arabella said.

Eden threw down her napkin in a fury. “For fuck’s sake! I’m going to say this one last time: I’ve never slept with Freddy, and I’ve never been pregnant, not that anything I do is any business of yours!”

“What you do becomes my business when you lure my son into your little web! How do you explain the pregnancy test I found in your hotel suite?”

“Where is this test? Where did you find it? I never once saw a pregnancy test while I was in Hawaii!”

“IT WAS MY PREGNANCY TEST!” Bea shrieked from across the table.

Every head swiveled to Bea in shock as she continued. “Yes! I threw it away in Eden’s bathroom! I’m the one who’s pregnant!”

Francis and Arabella were too shocked to speak, but Rufus blurted the question on everyone’s mind: “So…who’s the father?”

“It was that hula hunk at my wedding, wasn’t it? Josh. You two were all over each other,” Augie said.

“I am the father,” Gopal Das declared.

“Not funny,” Augie snorted.

“I’m being serious,” Gopal Das said as he walked over to Beatrice and placed his arms around her shoulders affectionately. “Augusta, your sister and I are twin flames. We discovered this about each other the very first time we met.”

“I’ve found my soul mate,” Bea declared, looking up at him adoringly.

“No. No…this can’t be. Sei gwai! Sei gwai!”[*] Arabella muttered, trembling in shock.

Augie promptly burst into tears. “Why is every man I know leaving me?!”

“I’m not leaving you, Augie. Don’t you see that more than ever we are family now?” Gopal Das said soothingly.

“No you’re not. You’re not ever going to be part of this family. I want you to leave this house at once!” Francis commanded, gripping his chair arm in white-knuckled fury.