Lies and Weddings(96)

BARON NICOLAI CHALAMET-CHAUDE ?? ?ART ADVISOR


First and foremost, I felt that it was essential for Ms. Dung to be properly edified about the family she is potentially marrying into, so I strategically positioned myself and the dowager marchioness at the left corner of the Great Hall just as the viscount and Miss Dung were entering the house. People fail to realize that the Great Hall functions rather like a whispering gallery. It’s an acoustically perfect space, so as the couple walked through the front doors they could already overhear me enlightening the dowager marchioness on the painting we were standing in front of: “This is the Lord Robert. Now, see the fabric draped behind his chair? Gainsborough cleverly painted this fabric as an homage to the Bayeux Tapestry, because as you may recall the famous tapestry includes a possible depiction of Eustace II, the Count of Boulogne, and Lord Robert is his direct descendant.” And the dowager marchioness, bless her heart, said right on cue, “Eustace II? Didn’t he reign in the eleventh century? My goodness, next to the Greshams, we’re practically fishmongers!” Rufus came right up, black as thunder, but he didn’t forget to bow to the dowager marchioness before asking me, “Why the bloody hell are there paps outside? Our car almost ran over one of them.” I duly informed him it was because of the great ball that was to take place that evening, taking care to drop a few of the important names attending that Ms. Dung might recognize—you know, all the minor Rothschilds and the Getty-adjacents. “Where’s everyone now?” Rufus asked, and I informed him that everyone except myself and the marchioness was at the morning hunt. Right on cue, Arabella comes galloping up the back garden, dismounts from her dapple gray mare, and enters through the conservatory doors, exquisitely backlit all the way down the corridor until she arrives in the Great Hall looking absolutely drop dead in her Huntsman breeches and riding boots, crisp white shirt à la Do?a Carolina Herrera, and sublime Codognato serpent bracelet. “Ah, Rufus, you’re home. And who do we have here?” she says coolly, breathless from her morning ride. I’m telling you, it was the most glorious entrance ever, and I could see that Ms. Dung was suitably intimidated and impressed. No one would have suspected we had rehearsed this five times after carefully studying Kristin Scott Thomas’s fabulous entrance in Gosford Park over and over again.





ROSINA LEUNG ?? ?HOUSEWIFE


I took Arabella and Nicolai Chalamet-Chaude (whom I’ve known since he was Nicky who answered the phones at Robert Kime) aside and told them what bloody fools they were. In one fell swoop they ruined all the groundwork I’d laid for the past week! Trying to be snotty and intimidate Martha Dung? How very stupid. This girl couldn’t care less about all your royal nonsense, she’s already been a guest at Highgrove and could buy up Greshamsbury and your resorts and still have enough left over to buy Scotland. So why are you doing your best impersonation of Madame Chiang Kai-Shek? Do you really want to give the girl second thoughts about having you as her dear mother-in-law? Charm offensive, my dears, charm offensive. You need to woo her like she’s the empress of all China. So Arabella starts rushing around like a chicken with her head cut off. Oh no oh no oh no, Nicolai, it’s all your damn fault—you and Julian Fellowes! And then she summons Hemsworth in a panic. Has Miss Dung been shown to her room yet? We need to switch rooms, she’s our honored guest, we need to give her the King Edward Suite. And I said, wait a minute, that’s my suite. Give up your damn bed if you want to but don’t you dare move me!





ANYA JOVANOVIC ?? ?JUNIOR HOUSEMAID


I was refreshing the logs in the fireplace of the viscount’s bedroom when the viscount entered, carrying his own duffel bags. I knew immediately that the countess would get so mad if she saw him doing that, but the viscount always does things his way. He greeted me by my name—he’s the only one that remembers my name in this damn house—and asked me if I knew where Lady Beatrice was. I told him Lady Beatrice was up in London getting her hair done and would be back just in time for tonight’s ball. He thanked me and then as I left the room, I told him I was on #TeamEden and he gave me a look and asked what I meant by that and I realized oh fuck why did I say anything? I panicked and ran off. I maybe shouldn’t have done that but I really need this job even though the pay is shit, but my girlfriend is the shift manager at Caffè Nero in the village and it’s so convenient to see her this way and I don’t want my visa canceled by the countess.





HEMSWORTH ?? ?BUTLER


The viscount came up to me, looking worried. He said he had just walked over to the cottage and it appeared as if everyone was away. Where was Ms. Tong? he wondered. I told him that to my knowledge both she and the doctor were away. Why? he asked. I said I couldn’t tell him. Couldn’t because I didn’t know, or because I could not, he asked. I told him bluntly I didn’t know where Dr. Tong or Ms. Tong was, but I believed they were overseas. Did something happen? Sorry, mate, that I could not say. I was under the strictest orders. But then I said, you know, Margaret made treacle pudding for you. She knew you were coming home, and that you always love your pudding with tea.





MARGARET ASHBY ?? ?CHEF DE CUISINE


I’ve known Rufus since he was in diapers, I would never mince words with him. Now, the countess did pass along orders not to discuss the recent goings-on in the village with Rufus, so I was in a bit of a pickle when he came after me asking where Eden was and why everyone was being so evasive. I sat him down at the kitchen table with his treacle sponge, poured warm custard all over it, and told him to eat. He sat there politely picking away at his pudding, but he wouldn’t eat. Now, I have never known Rufus to lose his appetite, it bloody broke me heart. So I thought to myself, He’s the next earl, my duty is to this family, not to the countess. We Ashbys have worked for the Greshams for four generations. So I told him everything I knew.