Maybe Once, Maybe Twice(104)
Rain check on lunch. Fill you in later.
Hand on his chest, eyes widened, Asher walked over to the couch in the sunroom, which I called the Soul Room. Everything in here was light and cheerful—soft blushes, yellows, and creams amid leafy plants in the corner. I dragged my footsteps into the room, and the heaviness mounted inside of me as I sat down next to him on the yellow velvet couch. He looked at me, waiting for me to fill in the blanks.
“Asher, I’m almost thirty-six. I want a baby one day. And in order to have the best chance of doing that, one day needs to be very soon. And I love you, and we’ve looked at rings together, so I know that you see a future with me…”
“You want a baby with me.” It wasn’t so much a question as it was Asher trying to wrap his mind around it.
“That would be ideal, considering we’re, you know, crazy in love and want to start a life together. I was looking into doing this by myself before you reentered my life—that’s how badly I don’t want this moment to pass me by. But yes: I’d love to do this with you. I don’t want another baby daddy.”
“It’s not funny, Maggie.”
He stared at me, his head shaking as my face reddened with heat. I had forgotten that Asher Reyes didn’t have a sense of humor when he felt backed into a corner.
“Sorry.”
“I don’t know how I feel about being a parent.” He put his hand on his neck and swallowed hard. “Honestly, I don’t think I’ll have an answer anytime soon, or even in the next year or two.”
I could feel my insides tightening, bracing for a fall as my heart seemed to get heavier and heavier.
“My brother—his death and his life were…” Tears constricted Asher’s throat, and I watched the sadness fill his eyes. “There was so much fear for so long with him, and then there was unimaginable pain. I’m terrified of having children, Mags,” he cracked, the tears now falling. “I’m terrified of it. I don’t know if my heart’s capable of trying and losing someone—I don’t want to love someone like that without having control over if they’re going to be okay. I can’t go through what my parents went through.”
Asher trailed off in silent tears—his strong jaw quivering at the thought. He shook his head and looked at his hands, as if ashamed, but knowing this was his truth.
“I’m sorry—I’m sorry I don’t have the answer that you need right now—” He stopped talking, his voice cracking under pain.
“Don’t be sorry,” I whispered through tears. I took his hand in mine, pulling his eyes back to me. I sucked in swirling pain and heartache. “I think—I know a child would be lucky to have you. But I can’t make you want one right now, just because I’m ready. I—I understand.” My voice quivered, tears enveloping the words.
“I’m not saying never, Maggie,” he said, squeezing my hand. “I just can’t be someone’s father right now. I can’t conceptualize it. I mean, I just started talking about my brother. I think having a kid right now would wreck me.”
I had convinced Asher to open up about his brother, and in turn, he shocked the shit out of me. What was supposed to be a super-sexy Men’s Health cover shoot and interview became an issue about Asher’s struggle with depression, where he shared for the first time the truth about his brother’s death. It turned the magazine upside down, in the best way possible. The editors crafted the issue around mental health. I was so proud of him, and all I could think about when reading that article was how attentive and caring of a father he’d be one day—partly because of all the loss he carried for too long. What I didn’t know was that Asher didn’t want to be a father because of all the loss he carried. And I couldn’t make him feel like his decision was wrong. I couldn’t, because he believed it was right for him.
“One day, maybe I’ll be ready to have kids—”
I shook my head.
“No. Please don’t—don’t make promises for tomorrow that you might not keep. I watched Summer’s marriage fall apart because she wanted so badly to promise someone something that wasn’t right for her.”
He cupped my face with his hands, wiping my tears away even as they kept falling.
“You were supposed to be it for me,” he said, his voice breaking.
I watched Asher’s chest constrict with the loss, and he kept his warm eyes on mine, tears streaming down his face. All at once, I couldn’t stop sobbing. He wrapped his arms around me tightly, our bodies clenched in sadness.
After a short while, I pulled back and ran my hand over his strong jaw, kissing his cheek, his lips, holding his face in my hands.
“I love you so fucking much,” I whispered, the truth of the statement splintering me in half. “You’ve—you’ve changed my life—not just once, but twice. You’re the first person who looked at me and really cared—and you made me really care. You taught me the purpose of loving someone, and seeing the world through your eyes is a goddamn privilege.” I caught my breath, heaving tears. Asher choked back a sob, keeping both my hands in his as he watched me continue. “You’ve given me the chance to have a family. And I wish it was with you, but I understand. I really do understand,” I said, the words coming out small, because the feelings were so huge that they could have swallowed us both.