Nobody in Particular(56)

“Help me,” I mouth back, before holding my arms up to survey myself. Excellent. Wonderful. I’m holding my body weight’s worth of water in my school uniform, which is still attached to me. And my room is upstairs. Marvelous.

When Danni regains control of her facial features, she looks as though she’s reluctant to say something. I wring a flood of liquid out of my ponytail while she gathers the courage.

“I still have shampoo in my hair,” she whispers, pointing to her head.

I fix a cool gaze onto her, and I don’t need to speak to make my point known. She holds up a finger in a one second gesture and darts out of the cubicle in her towel, leaving me cold, and sodden, and cursing William with everything I have.





TWENTY-FOUR

ROSE




When I join Danni in her bedroom, wearing the baggy pair of sweatpants and scratchy hoodie she threw over the cubicle door for me, she’s still fighting laughter. “That’s a good look on you,” she says as I collapse on her bed.

“I panicked,” I groan, face down.

“Well, yeah, I figured. Can we rewind? Tell me from the beginning; what, exactly, is going on?”

Taking and releasing a deep breath, I launch into a summary of everything William told me about the anonymous Bramppath tip.

“There’s more,” I say, pulling out my phone while Danni processes. I bring up the links William sent me, and the screenshot of comments beneath Molly’s video. I watch Danni with wary eyes as she scans them.

“Okay, this isn’t so bad,” she says, and the fact that she’s echoing my initial reaction to William calms me somewhat. “There’s, what, three different people who actually buy it? Everyone else is just asking them for evidence, and there isn’t any. They’ve got nothing on us.”

“For now,” I say, and Danni gives me a gentle look.

“We won’t give them anything,” she says, awfully sure of herself for someone who watched me literally throw myself inside a running shower only fifteen minutes ago to avoid detection. “It’s just speculation. Every celebrity gets queer shipping rumors. I’m surprised this is your first rodeo.”

“They do?” I ask, dumbfounded.

“Oh my god, totally. As soon as you’re in the spotlight, there are people who’ll convince themselves you’re in a relationship with anyone you’ve been in the same room with. I mean, look at the Molly reference. Speculating about whether a celebrity is in the closet is one of the great pastimes of the online queer community,” she says sagely, before pausing and adding, “right up there with discussing at length about how terrible it is to speculate about people’s sexualities and agreeing as a group to never do it again.”

“You seem to know a lot about online queer communities.”

“I know plenty about queer communities. They just don’t know about me yet.”

“Okay, you may be right,” I say, and Danni beams.

“I’m so right. Relax. We’re fine.”

I smile back weakly. “Sorry I tore you out of the shower. I just worried when William called. I’m supposed to hide this for a lifetime, and the thought that I may have already stumbled not weeks after getting my first girlfriend—” I cut myself off when I notice Danni’s face, and that’s when I realize what I’ve just said. My face burns and prickles as I scramble for a way to recover. “I mean, not that we’ve … not girlfriend.”

“A lifetime?” Danni repeats.

“Well, princesses obviously can’t be lesbians,” I say offhandedly. “Not when they’re next in line. I know we haven’t discussed labels for us,” I plow on. “So please don’t think I’m rushing you, or pressuring you. I’ve never done this before, so I don’t know how it works.”

How does one know when one has a girlfriend? Is the term automatically applied after a certain amount of time has passed? Does one propose? Are there gifts involved? Because I can sort that out if need be. Only if Danni’s open to the idea, of course. Which … certainly doesn’t seem to be the case … because she’s staring at me with an expression that can only be described as abject horror.

“So, you’re never gonna tell anyone you’re a lesbian?” she asks.

My heart skips a beat at her tone. Why is she acting as though this is brand-new information? “My parents know.”

“But no one else can?” she asks. “Not ever?”

I falter, trying to understand the confusion. Surely it goes without saying that I can’t come out publicly. Or does she mean within close circles? “I’m able to share it with people on a need-to-know basis,” I say carefully. “I do intend to tell some friends eventually. But it’s difficult to navigate. I need to be certain they’ll keep it secret even if our friendship fails.”

Would Molly, for example? Keep my secret? I believe she would. But would I be willing to gamble my future on it?

“They’d need to keep it secret forever,” Danni says. “Because you will never come out publicly.”

“I … no,” I say, dazed. “I thought you knew that.”

She raises her hands in a weak, uncertain gesture. “I figured you weren’t gonna do it, like, tomorrow. But…”