Nobody in Particular(57)
“But what?” I ask. “Why do I need to come out? I’m happy. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, I think.”
Danni’s curled her hands into fists, so tight she’s white-knuckled. “You don’t need to come out. You don’t need to do anything. But I don’t think I’m cool with hiding this forever. I mean, that’s a long time.”
My immediate instinct is to point out that, as much as I like her—and I do very much like her, more than I’ve liked anybody in my life—it’s hasty to be even considering the implications of forever right now. For goodness’ sake, a few minutes ago I was panicking she would think I was moving things too fast by calling us girlfriends. But wording it like that might come across as quite a bit more hurtful than I mean it to. “I think,” I say, “it’s best to take things day by day for now. There’s no point in borrowing troubles from tomorrow. Does this matter today? Are you upset that we’re hiding today?”
“No,” she says reluctantly, and I’m encouraged.
“See? You’re not even out yourself, right?”
Danni nods at the floor. I feel terrible that she didn’t realize the strings that come with being involved with me. Stupidly, I’d assumed it didn’t need to be clarified. The sky is blue, we breathe oxygen to live, it’s the queen’s job to marry a man and produce an heir. But Danni didn’t grow up here. How could I have expected her to know the truths I take for granted? It was my responsibility to make sure she knew what kissing me meant, right from the start.
“Do you have any questions?” I ask.
She doesn’t hesitate. “So, you’re gonna marry a man someday?”
“Yes.”
“Then what? You break it off with … whoever you’re seeing?”
“No. When I marry, it’ll be to somebody who understands the terms. My marriage will be for show, and hopefully friendship, but it won’t be the same as my life partner.”
“But why?” she asks. “You’ll be the queen eventually, right? You call the shots.”
“I’ll be the queen of a majority-Catholic country. A country which has already come right to the precipice of abolishing the monarchy altogether recently.”
Danni doesn’t look convinced. “Well, if they decide to do that because of who you are, that’s not your fault. Besides, you can’t tell me there’s never been a king or queen who decided not to marry and have children before.”
With anybody else, the questioning might come across as criticism of me, and I may have grown defensive. Danni, however, manages to maintain a gentle enough tone that it feels like a conversation rather than an interrogation.
“There have been,” I say. “And their family line has ended with them.”
My words don’t appear to have the impact on her they have on me. “Don’t take this the wrong way,” she says carefully, “but so what?”
“So … centuries of my family standing at the head of the country, only for the history books to forever note it ended with me?” I say. “It’s out of the question. I would step aside before I allowed that to happen. My uncle or cousin could take my place.”
“Okay, so, again … why wouldn’t you do that?”
“Because it’s what I’ve been raised for. It’s the future I’ve always seen for myself. I have things I want to do when I’m queen. With that position, I could do some good. I could make my family proud.”
I might even, one day, become someone I’m proud of myself.
“Why should I give that up?” I finish.
“Because you’re talking about hiding who you are for the rest of your life so you can rule a country you think wouldn’t want you as you are. Where do your needs come into things?”
“They don’t,” I say dryly. “It’s famously part of the job description. Besides, it’s not as though I have to give up on love altogether. I just have to be discreet.”
“And what does that look like, exactly? Weekend booty calls? Or will your side piece live in the palace with you?”
I told Danni she could ask questions, I know, but I don’t have an answer to this one yet. I run my tongue over my teeth. “I think,” I say evenly, “that’s a conversation I would have with whomever I’m committed to at the time.”
Now it’s Danni’s turn to look ashamed of herself. I didn’t mean for her to be. She’s just trying to understand what this all means. What, exactly, a future with me would look like.
It’s not a nice feeling, though, considering all the ways in which I will fail the girl I love one day. How much worse her life will be for loving me rather than anybody else.
“Rose…” Danni says heavily. “I’m new here. I know some things, but I don’t know everything. So I need you to be honest with me. I know Henland’s Catholic. But I’ve seen attitudes change in religious areas before, even in my lifetime. Don’t you think there’s any chance that they might accept a queen who’s with a woman? Even if it’s not today. Maybe ten years from now?”
From her tone, it’s clear she is all but pleading with me to agree with her. She wants me to give her something to cling to—even if it’s only a shred of hope.