Rewind It Back (Windy City, #5)(94)

“As soon as I get hired full-time at the design firm, I’ll be able to pay it down quicker. I’m just trying to stay on top of it as best I can until—”

“Hallie,” he cuts me off. “You don’t owe me an explanation. You were taking care of your family. I’d do the same thing if I were in your position.” Shaking his head, he’s having a hard time looking me in the eye again. “But you should have never been in that position in the first place and I’m so fucking sorry for putting you there.”

I knew this was coming. I knew he was going to feel guilty. That he’d blame himself.

I’ll admit, when I was younger, there was a part of me that wanted him to know how hard things were after he left. I wanted him to feel like shit for leaving me the way he did. But not anymore. Neither of us can change our choices, and dwelling on them is only going to fill us with regret.

I don’t stop running the pads of my thumbs in soothing strokes against his cheeks as I give him a minute to gather himself.

Eventually, he tilts his head back and looks up at me. “When did you find out he was sick?”

That is something I can’t tell him right now. Not when he’s already so busy beating himself up from everything else he’s learned today.

“Rio, it’s late. Let’s get some sleep.”

His eyes are filled with dread as he looks up at me, like he already knows what I’m going to say. “When?”

I exhale a resigned sigh, knowing he’s not going to let this go until I tell him. “The summer you got drafted. Two weeks before you left for training camp in Chicago.”

I watch as he tries to process it, as he tries to understand the timeline. I see the moment it clicks because he looks like he got the wind knocked out of him.

“Please tell me that’s not true.”

All I can do is offer him a sad smile and watch his entire demeanor deflate more than it already was.

I hadn’t gotten a chance to tell him about my dad’s diagnosis all those years ago because twenty-four hours after I learned about it, I found out that his dad was having an affair.

I was so scared for so many reasons, and suddenly, I didn’t know how to tell him anything.

Leaning forward, he drops his forehead to my stomach to hide his face from me. “You weren’t yourself at all those last two weeks. I remember that. After everything came out, I figured it was because you had known about my dad and were trying to keep it from me.”

I run my fingers through his hair, attempting to soothe him. “It was partly that. But I was also scared about my dad being sick and not knowing what that was going to look like for us. I was supposed to move to Chicago with you, and I didn’t know how to tell you that I might not be able to go anymore.”

He shakes his head. “What the fuck is wrong with me?”

“Rio—”

He lifts his head to look at me, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so heartbroken. He’s trying his best not to cry. To keep it together.

“I left you to deal with all of that on your own, Hallie. Do not try to make me feel better about this.”

“You didn’t know.”

He breathes a self-deprecating laugh. “Because I never gave you a chance to tell me. All this time, I thought if you could forgive me for leaving, then maybe we could have another shot at us. But this?” He shakes his head. “I wouldn’t give me another chance either.”

“Rio, that’s not . . . Maybe initially, yes. I didn’t want to give you the time of day because you hurt me. But when things started to shift, when it started to feel how it used to feel between us, I knew I was going to have to tell you everything and I was terrified to. I didn’t want you to blame yourself.”

His eyes go wide. “You were afraid that my own actions would hurt my feelings? Jesus, Hallie. You should hate me, not protect me.”

“But I’ve always protected you. At least I tried to, and that hasn’t changed.”

He watches me for a moment, eyes searching my face. “For a while, I convinced myself that I had every right to feel the way I did, but before I even found out about your dad, I knew I was lying to myself. I even called you about it earlier today. I wanted to try to explain how fucked up my head was at the time, but to find out I left you with all of this? I should’ve been there.”

I shake my head to tell him no. “You don’t need to explain anything. When I’m logical about it, I know why you left. Rio, you were heartbroken over your parents.”

“Don’t make excuses for me. Your parents split up too. I’m assuming that’s what your dad meant, and I’ve spent all this time focused on my family falling apart, while you were going through the same fucking thing.”

“I wasn’t though. My parents’ divorce did not affect me the same way yours did.”

His brows furrow. “What are you talking about?”

“You held your parents’ relationship on a pedestal as this ideal picture of what love should look like, but I didn’t view my parents’ relationship that way.” I take his face in my hands, making sure his attention is on me. “That’s how I viewed ours.”

He stares at me, and this time he doesn’t fight the tears from welling in his eyes. He doesn’t wipe them away when they fall either. So, with my thumbs I gently clean them off.