Sauter (Ironside Academy, #3)(93)

“I think I messed up,” she whispered.

“You know what I do whenever I think I messed up?” Charlie asked, a small, understanding smile curving along her mouth. “I imagine someone I love and respect doing that same thing. Does it still look like such a big mistake, or are you just being way too hard on yourself?”

Isobel lifted her head, settling miserable eyes on both women. “I almost had sex with Moses Kane.”

“Moses Kane?” Teak echoed, eyebrows shooting up.

Charlie swallowed a laugh, trying to look sympathetic. “Okay. Unexpected.”

Both women fell back to their usual chairs, sharing a look with each other. “Well …” Teak cleared her throat, shifting nervously. “This is … a little outside my purview as a bond specialist, but who you sleep with is a personal choice, even if you have a mate. It certainly isn’t recommended, but that’s from a health perspective. Only you can decide what’s right and wrong for your own body on a moral scale. I might have to intervene if you were fully bonded, though. That could be dangerous.”

“Yeah,” Isobel said blankly.

“That’s not actually what you’re upset about, is it?” Charlie prodded.

Isobel clenched her jaw and shook her head. “I might have feelings for Cian. And … a few of my other surrogates.”

“So you’re worried about upsetting your surrogates by becoming romantically involved with Moses?”

Isobel scoffed. “It wasn’t romantic. It was in the closet at the back of a classroom. During class.”

Charlie smirked. “Gotta say, I’m enjoying this open communication.”

Teak swatted her partner’s knee before refocussing on Isobel, her expression stern. “You don’t owe anything to any of those Alphas, Isobel. They volunteered to surrogate for you, knowing that you already have a mate.”

“I …” Isobel played with her fingers in her lap. “It wasn’t really them I was thinking of. It’s … me. I don’t want to feel anything for anyone. Not them. Not my mate. Ever.”

Teak leaned back, crossing her legs, her heel jiggling as she bounced her foot, her toned arms flexing like her body had suddenly grown tight with tension. “Not every Sigma is the same,” she said, gentling her expression. “And not every Alpha is your father. Have they done anything to hurt you? To make you feel unsafe?”

“Uhh.” Isobel swallowed, flicking her attention between the women. She was pretty sure Cian and Moses choking her and fucking her with one of Professor Vega’s crystals wasn’t exactly what they meant. “Not really.”

“Not really?” Teak asked sharply.

“I could have stopped them at any point. I didn’t want to.”

“Them?” Charlie’s brows jumped up, her mouth falling open.

“Um. Him?” Isobel flinched.

“It wasn’t just Mos—oh.” Teak flicked a look to the door. “Ashford was there too?”

Isobel nodded miserably.

Charlie looked like she wanted to high-five her, but resisted. “Colour me impressed.”

Teak’s foot stopped wiggling as she stared at Isobel. “Who else have you been involved with?”

Isobel shrugged, feeling herself grow a little smaller. “I guess Theodore, Oscar, and Gabriel. And Kilian, a little bit. And there was a weird moment with Elijah and Niko. And—” She cut herself off, about to say something about Kalen.

“And?” Charlie choked out, as Teak fell against the back of her chair, eyes wide with shock.

“And nothing.” Isobel hugged herself. “It sounds bad when I say it out loud.”

“Not bad,” Teak immediately cut in. “Just different. Do they all know about each other?”

“Well, they like to gossip and they tell each other everything, so … probably.”

Teak chuckled. “Sounds like you know them well. So why did Sato and Ashford drag you here and why did Ashford bring your appointment forward?”

“How did he even do that?” Isobel returned, frowning.

“He asked for my contact details in case of an emergency,” Teak explained. “Why did they think you needed to speak to us?”

“Because I wouldn’t speak to them.”

“Why?”

“Because … I guess … I don’t know how to.”

Teak cocked her head to the side, a strand of chocolate brown hair unwinding from around her ear. “You know, as Sigmas, we’re taught that we’re not really allowed to have emotions of our own. We’re expected to exist to serve others—at least in the eyes of the people who still believe we have any power at all. If a Sigma has a breakdown, then they’re basically nonfunctioning, because how can they level other people’s emotions if they can’t even control their own? We’re held to an impossible, inhumane standard. Even for the Gifted.”

“You’re allowed to feel whatever you’re feeling,” Charlie added. “If you want to be mad, be mad. If you want to cry, then cry.”

Never let them see you cry.

“I can’t.” Isobel straightened her shoulders, pulling her chin up a little higher. “I just … can’t.”

“You can’t yet,” Teak corrected. “We’re all just works in progress, try to remember that. It’s okay to do things differently.”