Saving Rain(57)

“No”—I laid my spoon on the plate and quelled my laughter—“it’s not dumb. I just … I wasn’t expecting it.”

Then, I folded my hands and emptied my lungs. “Yes,” I replied simply.

Still embarrassed, she cleared her throat and gave her head a rapid shake before grabbing her spoon hastily. “I mean, obviously. God, I don’t know why I even asked. I don’t know why I even thought—”

“I mean, I was pretty young when I was arrested, so I could see why you’d think I hadn’t,” I offered weakly, trying to make her feel less silly. “Not a kid, but …” I shrugged half-heartedly. “The thing is, if I’m being honest … I don’t feel like anything counted then. Like, before.”

She dipped her spoon into the sundae as her eyes once again met mine. “No?”

I shook my head. “That’s what I was saying to you earlier, about girlfriends and whatever. None of it actually meant something to them or … to me.” Shit. Being honest was hard, and that was evident in the tightness in my chest and the rapid thrum of my heart. “I mean”—I cleared my throat, trying to relieve my discomfort in the conversation—“I lost my virginity to a girl who didn’t have the cash for pills, and being an idiot, I said okay. Because, in my head, it was better to get rid of them than to have them lying around for Diane to take. And I never, um …” My gaze dropped from hers—so sad and pitying—to stare at the melting ice cream. “I never did that again. I mean, had sex in exchange for pills. It felt … wrong and dirty and …”

I stopped myself then. Because hadn’t it all felt dirty? Whether it was that one time in exchange for two pills or in a dirty fast-food restaurant restroom with a very high Tammi for the sake of simply having sex, wasn’t it all self-deprecating and disgusting? I wasn’t proud of any of it. None of it was the behavior of a good person—a good man—and maybe that was why I felt that none of it had counted. Not now. Not for the person I was today.

“I’ve only ever been with Seth.”

A pang of hurt and sympathy struck my heart like a lightning bolt at Ray’s own admission. I brought my eyes back to hers, and she offered a weak smile.

“When was the last time?” I asked, not sure why I even cared to know while dying to know more than just that.

Had I known her already? Had it happened right next door from me, when I was only thirteen steps away and capable of stopping him?

My stomach churned with a warning.

“Um …”

She pulled her lips between her teeth, and I realized abruptly that maybe she didn’t want to talk about this at all. God, what kind of asshole asked a woman to relive those memories? Why hadn’t I thought of that from the start?

“I’m sorry,” I said, feeling it was my turn to apologize, but she shook her head.

“No, it’s okay. It’s just that I don’t honestly remember. It’s been a while, I think, and anytime it happened, I dunno. I usually just … blocked it out.”

I had told her I’d gladly carry her pain. I hadn’t been lying about that. But, man, it was a heavy load, and I hung my head under its weight. Wishing I could do something to erase it all and start fresh.

“It hasn’t always been completely terrible. We actually sorta dated for a while after I found out I was pregnant. He had apologized and said he’d try to be better,” she added, as if that made it all okay. “But … it’s never been particularly good either.”

Rage could be powerful. It could be enough to make a man kill, and for the right reasons, I thought it could be justified. I could kill Seth, and I knew it would be justified. Maybe not in the eyes of the law, but I didn’t need it to be. Not when, in my heart and mind, I knew it would be right to rid the world of another vile man.

But I also knew I wouldn’t do it, as nice as it was to think about bashing his head against a brick wall. No, I wouldn’t do it because, for once, I felt I had too much to lose.

I reached out with a hand—so much bigger than hers—and laid it over her arm.

“Then, anything with him doesn’t count either,” I said in nearly a whisper.

She rewarded me with a smile, genuine and sweet, and I prayed if we ever found ourselves in bed together—if ever she was ready—it would count.





CHAPTER SEVENTEEN


SALVATION & REDEMPTION



“So, on a scale from one to ten, how much do you like it here?” Ray asked as we walked down Main Street after dinner.

My belly was stuffed, my heart was full, and my hand held tight to hers. Our difference in height, shown in the reflection of the shop and restaurant windows, was almost comical, and I had to stop myself from laughing a couple of times. And as funny as it was to see her—so small—next to a giant like me, it also felt good. To know I could be the power she’d been missing for so long. Her protector and strength.

“Oh, I’d give it a solid eleven.”

I glanced toward Patrick’s brother, Ryan Kinney, the local pet groomer and tattoo artist, walking across the street with his wife and their kids. The group of them could give the Addams Family a run for their money, yet nobody in town seemed to bat a lash.

I could relate.