Spiral (Off the Ice, #2) (82)
When I left Sage in my bed after saying those words, I couldn’t stay in the apartment. I drove to Socket’s house. He was more than happy to have me, so I slept on his couch. The sleep was terrible, and my nightmares ran rampant. When I woke up sweating, I hoped to find Sage’s soothing touch, but I was alone, and regretted my every decision.
The look on Sage’s face last night has stuck to my mind like a leech. Trying to detach from the mess I made has proved useless.
And now, I have to face the media.
“They say behind every great man is an even greater woman. Do you think you owe any of your success this playoff season to a very popular ballerina?”
As they ask their questions, a feeling that’s somewhere between heartburn and death roars in my chest.
I was too cowardly to say anything, because the emotion in her words had pulled all mine out of my head. The reason I’ve been single for so long doesn’t feel so important anymore. I’ve realized that my determination not to let my biological father interfere with my family has made me suffer alone for so many years. I’ve been avoiding new relationships to protect myself from being exploited, but being with Sage has never felt like I was compromising my rules.
Her plea to try ripped me up, because as much as I may be ready to forget the rules and say yes, I can’t.
She doesn’t need to have her heart split in two because I’m too greedy to let her go. I’ve seen the way she is with Sean when he’s in school; she berates herself for missing his call after a long day of rehearsals and teaching. It gets her down, despite him reminding her that it’s okay. It makes her question whether she’s a good sister.
If she ever questioned herself with me, it would destroy me.
I could be selfish, and fuck, I want to be. But I could never take from her. I’d happily give her every part of me, if I could be confident that it wouldn’t hurt her to leave. But I know Sage, and I know she gives her all to the people she cares about. She’ll try her hardest to give her all to me, when she should be focused on her career—the reason we started this whole thing. And I won’t be the one to make her forget it.
I clear my throat. “Her devotion to her career inspired me to do more with mine. She’s my anchor, and I owe her for more than just my improvement on the ice.”
“As hockey fanatics we all have our superstitions, so the fans want to know if she’ll be joining us for game six,” another reporter asks.
Fuck if I know. I might have screwed up everything last night. She was spilling her heart out, and I couldn’t even speak.
“I’m sure she’ll be supporting the team just like she has every step of the way.”
I doubt she’ll be here tonight. I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about that. I’m not supposed to have any distractions right now, but when there’s a bullet-size hole in my chest, it’s inescapable.
The questions don’t change course, but when Aiden walks into the locker room, the reporters are quick to head over to him next. Based on the look he gives me, he’s only talking to them for me.
When he’s done his round of press, he comes to me.
“Here to check on me?” I mutter.
“Fuck, no.” Aiden appears frustrated. “I told you to tell me if you started feeling bad again. But you didn’t, and now look at you.”
“I feel fine,” I lie.
“Yeah? So, last night when you left the apartment, that was you feeling fine?”
I scratch the back of my neck.
“You can tell me, man. I’m here,” he urges.
“It’s this thing with Sage—I can’t fake it anymore.” I drop my head in my hands. “But a relationship isn’t a possibility with us, it never was.”
“You love her?”
I stare at him. “Of course I fucking do.”
“Then tell her that,” he urges. “Sage looks at you the same way you look at her. As your roommate it’s uncomfortable as hell, but as your best friend it makes me happy for you. You haven’t allowed yourself to be with someone the way you’ve been with her, ever, especially after what happened at worlds.”
There’s a rusty knife that stays lodged in my sternum. “Because when you let people in, you let them see all your vulnerabilities. She doesn’t need to see all of mine.”
“Did she tell you that?” he probes. “Because I’m pretty sure you know that she’d say you’re an idiot for thinking she doesn’t want all of you. What’s really stopping you?”
I groan. “She’s leaving. After she finishes the performances here, she’ll have to go on a tour with the company, and she’ll be gone for a year or more.”
“You know, I used to think you were the smarter one between the two of us.” He releases a sardonic breath. “We grew up together, Eli, so I know how your weird brain makes you think you’re not worth it, but I’m telling you, you are. And I’m sure if you had the balls to ask her, she’d say the same thing.”
“I don’t want to be the one to make her choose between me or her dream.”
He laughs this time. “Who said she has to choose? Long distance exists for a reason. I’m living proof of that.”
Summer and Aiden have created a schedule that works for them. Those two have never been more in love, and even when she’s not visiting, he’s happy because they both get to do what they love and still have each other.