Spiral (Off the Ice, #2) (81)
“Is that why you were breathing so hard?”
“Maybe I was having a really good dream.”
“Yeah? Who was in it?”
“Same guy who’s always in my dreams. He’s got these big hands, and he runs them all over—ah!” Elias’s finger jabs at my waist. “Did you just poke me?”
He chuckles. His hands on my waist create a tingling sensation. “Why dream if you can have the real thing?”
We sink into a silence that I can’t help but break.
“Can I have the real thing?” I whisper.
He breaks eye contact, but his hands are still under my palms. I can’t let him leave without giving me an answer, but I don’t have it in me to repeat myself.
“Did you tell Sean you got the part?”
The redirect shatters my hope. This time when I try to silently urge his gaze to mine, it doesn’t work. “I did. He wants to celebrate when he finally comes to visit.”
Elias looks at our hands. “So, that’s it, huh? You’ll be busy with rehearsing and then traveling with NBT?”
The pit in my stomach deepens to an abyss. “Yeah, rehearsals start soon, and after the first month, we’re booked for shows in different cities. I’ll probably have to look for a place.”
A muscle in his jaw jumps. “And have you? Been looking, I mean.”
“Not yet.”
Because it’s true. I can’t look at those dingy one-bedroom apartments and imagine being there all alone. Staying here with Elias and having his friends visit has corrupted my mind. Somehow, I’ve made the terrible discovery that I like having friends, and I can’t go back to living in an empty place.
“But I’ve seen a few places available for rent by the theater.”
“That’s good.”
Is it? There are so many things left unspoken that I can’t hold back anymore. I sit up on the bed and turn on the bedside lamp. “What are we doing, Elias?”
He blinks, adjusting to the light before his gaze roams my face. “What do you mean?”
I stare up at the ceiling and then look at him again. “I mean that I need to know what this is. Because this—us—is coming to an end, and I can’t bear it if I don’t even know what’s real.”
Four beats of silence pass. I know because I count every single one of them.
“You want to know what’s real, Sage?” he says. “What’s real is what I told you in that hotel room. That I can’t look at you sometimes because I like it too much. And I don’t want to stand next to you and touch you like you’re mine when that’s never been the truth.”
The knot in my throat feels like barbed wire.
“This is temporary. You’re going to leave, live out your dream, and become the star that you deserve to be. And I’ll be here, because we both know this was never going to work beyond what we agreed on.”
“But things are different now. You know they are.” I hold back the emotion in my throat.
“Sage.” My name is broken on his lips. “I won’t let myself need you more than everyone else already does.”
“But I want you to need me,” I say.
Elias’s expression softens. “Because that’s all you’ve ever known. You care about everyone else so much that you don’t realize you’re depleting yourself in the process.”
His words peel the makeshift patchwork over my past like paint off an old wall.
“I will never be the one to wear you down or keep you from what you deserve. You might not see it now, but a few weeks, a month, a year from now you will, and it would pain me to watch that disappointment take over. I know what that’s like, and I can’t watch you go through that because of me.”
I hate every word. Only because they slam against my ribcage harder than my heart.
When his palm brushes my face in a coaxing touch, I pull away from the confusing feeling.
“So, this is it? We’re not going to try?” The last word cracks in two. “You’re okay with leaving us like this?”
Elias’s exhale is long and heavy. “That’s not fair, Sage. We both made those rules.”
“I don’t care about the rules!” I exclaim.
His brows raise at my outburst, and words seem to stick to his throat.
“Because I’m sitting here trying to tell you that I love you.”
It’s like every atom in the air settles, and Elias pulls back like I’ve pushed him. There’s a ticking time bomb that sits in my chest when our gazes lock, and he freezes.
“I’m in love with you, Elias. And I’m pretty sure I have been for a while now,” I admit. “So, what are you going to do about it?”
THIRTY-FIVE
ELIAS
“I SHOULD GO.”
Those are the words that came out of my mouth. Those are the words that made Sage’s head rear back in shock. And those are the words that make me want to bang my head against the wall.
She told me she loved me, and I choked.
Suddenly, Socket’s words of wisdom about breaking the box come back to me. But the sound of his voice is a distant memory, because I’ve officially discovered hell on earth. You’d think living in the hockey house for so many years, I’d have witnessed it long ago. But this, this is torture.