Stars in Your Eyes(14)

Scott sighs and leans against the trailer beside me. “Hot as hell today, huh?”

It’s always fucking hot. It’s fucking LA. I barely glance up. Scott’s the only other actor on set who’ll bother to talk to me outside of shared scenes. Keith’s got a hard job, acting as my best friend, since he’s always hated me. I’m not sure why. We barely interact. Maybe he follows the tabloids. Monica thinks everyone is beneath her, but especially a drug addict porn star like me. And Julie? She just thinks I’m a dick. I mean. She’s right.

But Scott’s been on different sets with me for a while. He tends to give me fatherly disapproving looks, but that’s about it.

He nods his head at the article. “Reading up on your co-star?”

“Color me curious.” I pause and glance up at him. “Do you think this whole golden boy thing is an act?”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s hard to believe anyone would be in this city and actually be that innocent.”

“Matthew’s not from here, right?”

“Yeah, but if you want to survive, you’ve got to learn pretty quickly.”

“Maybe you can help him with that.”

I snort and drop the paper to the side. The article was boring. A lot like Matthew Cole himself. “I guess not everyone can be a drugged-out alcoholic mentally ill asshole with unprocessed trauma.”

Scott raises his eyebrows at me with a blank stare.

“Joking,” I say.

Once I’m put through hair and makeup (I don’t know why they bother, it’s going to get messed up with every take), I’m dressed and mic’d up and positioned on one end of the block, ready to run to Mattie’s standin waiting at the doorway of the townhouse on the other side, camera on a giant dolly that starts out close to my face before it pulls away for a wide shot. This feels like my big moment, the first time in years that I have the chance to get my life back on track.

“Quiet on set. Take one…Action!”

I don’t ever let my guard down. Why would I? Letting down walls means getting hurt. There’s no way around that one. I would never be like Quinn. Deciding that love was worth taking a risk, sprinting through the rain just so that he could possibly, maybe get his heart broken. Sure. Yeah. This movie has a happy ending. We all know life is very different.

I’ve never been in love, either, but I still have to get myself into that frame of mind. The fear. The hope. The excitement. That’s what I’d planned for in this scene, but a new emotion begins to bubble. The realization that I’ll probably never feel the way Quinn does. I’ll never be in love. I’ll never take my walls down, and because of that, I’ll always be alone. I’ve never been so alone in my life as I am now. I don’t know how to connect with people, and fuck—fuck, it’s painful to look at others falling in love, even fake characters like Quinn and Riley. It’s hard to see other people building friendships and relationships and families that I want, too, even if I’d never admit it out loud. I’ve given up. I don’t think I’m meant to have anyone in my life sometimes. I’m too fucked up for anyone to really love.

The scene starts with me sprinting, but the emotion leaves me gasping. I stop halfway and lean over, hands on my knees, face twisted in more pain than I’m expecting to release. Dave doesn’t call cut, so I keep going. Stand up straight, chest and shoulders heaving. Fuck. I’m actually crying. The realization makes me laugh. I shake my head, wipe my eyes. Have to finish the scene. I keep running.

I hit the end of the block. Dave calls cut, and I’m immediately swarmed by wardrobe. Dave comes up behind a woman who’s jabbing a soft towel at my face.

“Wasn’t expecting that direction, Gray,” he says. He doesn’t seem upset.

“Yeah. I don’t know. It just came out.”

Dave shrugs. “It works. More interesting than only running down the block like the script says. An extra beat of emotion.” He eyes me carefully. I don’t know what he’s thinking. Probably that it’s a good thing that I can act, because otherwise, I’d be nothing but an annoying piece of shit. “All right. Let’s do another take. Just try running down the block this time, okay? To give some options.”

“Sure. Okay.”

When I get back to the starting point, I notice Matt standing under the shade of the holding tent. He’s watching me. When I meet his gaze he looks away quickly. Huh. Maybe he’s studying up on me, too. It’d be good if he was. We’re going to need to be serious about our other roles if we want to fool anyone.





Mattie




Love Me Dearly had long days, and I wasn’t even a lead actor, but for whatever reason the schedule for Write Anything is much gentler. My scenes start shooting around noon. But…I’m curious. I stand beneath the holding tent. There’s a monitor where I can watch Logan from the camera’s perspective, but I want to see him in action, study his skill and see what I can learn. It’s embarrassing when he looks up and catches me staring.

I’ve got the script in hand. I’ve spent basically every free second going over my lines again and again, even though they’re so memorized I’m pretty sure they’re burned into my brain for the rest of my life. I took up Dave’s offer to get an assistant to rehearse with me, too. I was grateful that he made it sound like it was up to me, and not a firm request. That table read was pretty abysmal, after all, I have to admit. When I apologized to him for it, he shrugged. “Don’t worry about it. You came in a lot later than everyone else. You haven’t had a chance to figure out your character yet.” His smile became just a little more forced in that second. “Just. You know. Try to figure it out before you get onto set.”