Stars in Your Eyes(40)
“I’m sorry, Em,” I tell her. “I wish I could do something to help.”
“It’s fine,” she tells me. “You can’t fix everything, you know.” I think she might be a little annoyed. “And besides, it’s okay to just let someone be sad sometimes.”
When did she get so wise? “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
She sighs. “It kind of sucks to realize I’m not as perfect as I thought I was. And it’s like, now, I have to figure out who I am when I’m not surrounded by people who think I’m the best at everything.”
I nod. I absolutely know what she means. It’s almost painful, how much I can relate.
*
The other cast members have met up for drinks after a full day of work a few times, and I’ve joined them twice, sipping ginger ale. Monica never seems overly enthused with me, but I think she might be that way with everyone. Keith is as funny in real life as he is in the script, and Scott has made me feel welcome…but sitting with them, I still felt like I had something to prove.
Julie especially has always gone out of her way to be friendly and supportive, as if she still feels bad for the way that Logan treated me at the table read. We only have one scene together: she’s Lauren, the bitter ex-girlfriend who demands to know why I’m good enough for Quinn. We meet in my apartment when she barges in, enraged. “Quinn only thinks he’s gay because of you,” she says, pointing a finger into my chest. “Do you know how upsetting it is to be the last girlfriend of a gay man? Everyone is going to think that something is wrong with me now.”
The scene runs smoothly, and at the end of it, Julie offers me a smile. “Coffee?”
I’m done for the day, so I nod. “Yeah. That’d be great.”
Luckily, Logan isn’t on set today, so I haven’t had to deal with the awful awkwardness of avoiding him, trying not to remember what his dick looked and felt and tasted like, trying to pretend that I’m completely unaffected by the fact that he kicked me out of his apartment after having sex with him last night. I try to push all of that out of my mind as Julie and I leave the studio for the coffee shop around the corner, the same one we’ve been filming in. We place our orders and, after we have our cups, we sit at the same table where Logan and I filmed.
“It was great working with you today,” Julie says, sipping her latte.
“Same. I’m sorry if this is weird fanboying, but I still can’t get over the fact that I’m in a scene with you. I used to watch you on TV as a kid.”
She laughs. “That isn’t weird at all. Are you enjoying filming?”
“Yeah. It took a second to figure Riley out, but I think I’ve got him.”
“I think so, too. You’ve really brought layers to him.”
I’m hesitant. I have the feeling that Julie asked me here for a specific reason, but she isn’t getting to the point or asking any questions. Maybe she really did only want to have a conversation. “How about you? How do you feel about Lauren?”
She sighs. “I’ll be honest,” she says. She leans in, glancing around to make sure no one is listening. “Lauren feels like a stereotype. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to bring her more depth, but it’s kind of weird to have this role. I hate when women are pitted against gay men like this, you know?”
I nod. It’s definitely a character I’ve seen before. “It’s like women are turned into the enemy in any story with gay men.”
“Exactly!” She leans back in her seat, smiling at me. “See? You get it, Mattie. I tried to talk to Dave about it, but he said his hands were tied. Lauren was the villain in the book, so this is the script.” She sighs.
I’m curious, but I don’t know how to ask this question without sounding judgmental. “Why did you take the role?”
She doesn’t seem to be offended, but she doesn’t meet my eye, either. “You could say that the Disney years are long gone.”
Julie Rodriguez, having a hard time finding work? I’d assume everyone would jump at the chance to have her in their film. She’s stunning, and talented, and hardworking, and kind, and—well, she’s also a woman. I shouldn’t forget my own privilege as a cis guy.
“It’s like child stars have an even earlier expiration date,” she says. “Expiration dates, as if we humans are products instead of living, breathing people. But it’s true. If we don’t manage to redefine ourselves, no one in this industry takes us seriously because we got typecast so young. I stopped getting auditions the second I turned eighteen. I’m twenty-five now. I probably have another good ten years before people decide I’m too old to be hired in any prominent roles just because I’m a woman, let alone because I’m also a former child star.”
“I had no idea it was that hard.”
“Oh, yeah,” she says. “But there isn’t any point in complaining. You’ve got struggles, too, I’m sure.”
Everything she said makes me think about Logan. I wonder if he had any trouble finding work because of his history as a child star also. Maybe Julie can feel me wondering this, or maybe Logan just happens to be on her mind, too.
“How’re things going with you and Gray?” she says, glancing up at me from her coffee.