The Break-Up Retreat(82)

“Gray,” I say.

I close my eyes, and see only red.

“Eyes open, Isobel,” Martina tells me. “Come on. One more color. You can do it.”

I open my eyes again.

“White,” I say, looking at her shirt.

She nods, and smiles.

“Okay. Good. What was the name of the first school you went to?”

“Gustav Vasa Primary School,” I respond.

“And the name of your first pet?”

I have to think back.

“Harry the Hamster.”

Martina nods slowly.

“Very good. Can you breathe?”

I inhale deeply, and find, to my surprise, that I can.

“Yes.” I’m surprised.

She smiles, and it’s, I think, the first real smile I’ve seen from Doctor Martina. She sinks back down onto her heels.

“Very good.” She’s sounding quite breathless herself.

Armin looks over at me.

“Isobel.” The way he says my name is comforting enough to make me want to cry. For a moment, I just take him in; his long, slim face, those spiky eyelashes, the little parenthesis sign between his eyebrows.

I feel the temptation of just breaking down; of hoping he will just take care of it. Of me. Or that someone will. That some unknown authority figure will come by and fix this, get everything back to normal, so that I can fall apart.

But I can’t. Not right now.

“What’s going on?” he asks me.

I breathe in through my nose; out through my mouth.

“I think someone is trying to kill us.” Saying it is painful; it makes it real. But I have to keep going.

“They killed Sandra. They destroyed the backup generator. I don’t know why this is happening, but we have to get everyone out of here, and we can’t. I don’t know what we’re going to do, but we have to do something.”

Armin stares at me.

Then he looks from me to Martina.

And then he nods.

“Okay.”

Only now does some of what he said earlier fall into place in my mind.

“Wait,” I say. “Did you say you drove here?”

“Yeah.” Armin looks at me warily. “My car is right outside the gate.”

Patient Registration Form

Name: Susannah Viola Wallin

Date of Intake: 2023–09–04

Date of Birth: 1995–02–16

Gender: Woman

Preferred Pronouns: She/Her

Preferred Gender of Romantic or Sexual Partners: I identify as pansexual, but I’ve mostly dated women.

Dietary Restrictions: I’m allergic to mango. I know, weird. Other than that, I eat everything!

Medical Conditions (any nonpsychiatric medical conditions or medical incidents we may need to be aware of):

I broke two of the knuckles on my right hand when I was sixteen. They are fully healed though, no lingering pains!

Diagnostic History (any psychiatric diagnosis, current or previous):

None :)

Previous experience of psychological treatment (any therapy or counseling you have gone through in the past, or are currently undergoing):

I’ve been to therapy a couple of times, but I’ve never found a therapist I’ve really liked. They never really seem to listen to my point of view. That’s part of why I’m so excited to get to work with Doctor Martina, because I feel like she will really get me and see me for who I am.

Inciting incident (explain here, in your own words, why you have sought treatment at the Himlafall Clinic):

My fiancée broke up with me out of nowhere. It absolutely destroyed me. I did everything for this girl, and I tried so hard, and I loved her so much, and I just don’t know what I did wrong. I want to get her back, but I need help figuring out how to explain to her how much she hurt me, and that she can’t keep acting the way she does.

I feel like all I do is give and give and give and people just keep letting me down. I feel like Doctor Martina will understand, because she seems like she’s the same kind of person I am. I really feel like she will understand me.

People just keep leaving me. It feels like they all disappoint me in the end. My last partner kept trying to put words in my mouth. She would make up these wild stories about how I had done things to her and twisting my words. All I ever wanted was for her to love me and affirm me the way I need. I never asked for much.

I’m still so angry. But I love her. I need Doctor Martina to help me figure out how I can explain this to her.

I know we can be so happy if she just stops all this and takes me back.





Chapter 46


“The roads weren’t flooded?” Martina asks Armin.

He shakes his head.

“No,” he says. “I mean, not yet, at least. It was wet, sure, but it was draining just fine.”

“And your car is on the other side of the gates.” The urgency is making Martina’s voice high and reedy.

“. . . yeah,” Armin confirms, for the third time.

“So we go,” Martina gets to her feet, pulling her wet hair back from her face. “We climb the gates and we drive and get help.”

She reaches for my hand.

“Come on. Get off the couch, we have to move.”

“Wait.” I shake my head. “No.”