The Break-Up Retreat(92)

She raises her voice again.

“Patient shows low receptiveness to challenges to her world view.” Her voice grows lower, more gritted. “Patient describes previous relationship patterns that are clearly abusive in nature but refuses to acknowledge them as such. When given even mild pushback on her version of events, patient reacts with alternating self-victimization and overt aggression.”

She stares down on the page for a few seconds. I can see the paper shaking. Her nostrils are flaring.

But when she turns back to Martina, her voice is calm.

“Self-victimization ,” she says. “I came here to get help. I was in pain . The love of my life had just broken my heart. I trusted you. And instead, I got attacked, over and over again, by some fucking nobody . Someone who was only here because you were too busy taking cutesy pictures for Instagram and doing interviews down in Stockholm to do your job.”

“I’m sorry,” Martina whispers, but Anna shakes her head. The paper crumples in her hand.

“That’s not good enough, Doctor,” she says. “You know what your Doctor Nina told me when I said that I couldn’t understand why Linn had left me?”

She waits. She waits until Martina says:

“I don’t know.”

“She said actions have consequences .” Anna smiles, teeth gritted.

“Actions have consequences,” she repeats. “Like it was all my fault. Like I had done it to myself.”

She slams the folder down onto the desk, and Martina shakes her head.

“I wouldn’t have said that to you,” she says. “I’m sorry, but I didn’t—”

“But you weren’t here , were you?!” Anna yells at her. “You weren’t fucking here! You weren’t here when I needed you! None of it would have happened if you had just been here like you promised! It’s all on you! All of it is your fault!”

I try to get back up on my feet, grab onto the armchair and pull myself up, slowly, because I have to put an end to it. I have to stop it, somehow, have to do something, have to wake up, have to move, have to act, have to, have to.

Anna falls quiet, and she stares down at Martina.

“You made me do this.” She is suddenly, terrifyingly calm. “You made me do all of it. I never wanted any of this. I just wanted Linn to take me back. I just wanted her to hear me out.”

She turns away, for a moment, and I see her pressing a hand to her face.

I manage to get up into the armchair, prop myself up, but my knees want to give way, my head swimming.

“Anna,” I try to speak. “Susannah. It’s okay. I get why you’re angry. You have every right to be.”

If I can just get through to her, if I can just calm her down . . . she thinks I’m on her side, so let her think I’m on her side.

Anna shakes her head.

“You don’t understand, Isobel.” When she turns around, her eyes are red. “You don’t know what it is to love someone so much you can’t live without them. I couldn’t live without her. She was my everything. She was my soulmate. I’m not perfect, but she wasn’t, either. We fought. But couples fight. I know we could have made it. She overreacted. I knew that if I could just make Linn listen, if I could just make her hear me out . . . I thought she would help me.” She spits out the she .

“It must have been horrible.” I’m swaying slightly. “You must have felt . . . so alone.”

Anna swallows, and she nods.

“I did. I really did.” Her voice breaks. “I never meant to hurt her. She just made me so angry sometimes. But people get angry. Everyone gets angry sometimes. It’s normal. I tried to explain it to her, over and over again. I tried to explain to her that if she would just be a little bit careful, if she would just listen to me more, I wouldn’t get so mad. I only got mad because I loved her. I’m a passionate person. That’s why she loved me.”

My knees are shaking.

“Maybe . . .” I try. “Maybe you can tell her that, now. Maybe she’ll want to talk to you. Martina can help you. We can call her now. Right, Doctor? You can coach Anna on what to say, so that . . . Linn . . . will listen.”

Martina looks over at me at the sound of her name, gray-faced and terrified, but then she swallows and nods.

“Yes,” she croaks. “Yes, of course.”

Anna’s features contort, rage and sorrow battling in her face.

“No.” A sigh, searingly quiet. “No, it’s too late now.”

She turns away.

“I didn’t mean to.”

I can barely hear her.

It’s working. I’m calming her down. I can still put an end to this. I can get her to let us both go.

“You loved her.” I have to get through to her. “Martina hurt you. She abandoned you. She shouldn’t have made you think she was your friend. It was wrong. But you don’t have to prove anything to her. You can just go. Move on with your life. You don’t want to hurt anyone.”

It’s the wrong thing. I always say the wrong thing, in the end.

Anna turns around. Her eyes are blazing.

“You’re right. I didn’t.”

Linn.

Her palms were sweaty, her eyes aching from staring at the screen. The comments rolling in were making her feel simultaneously stronger and weaker.