The Last List of Mabel Beaumont(63)

She’s joking, but I think that if I’m admitting to things, I might as well go the whole hog. ‘Well, I knew Martin was going to be in the Carpenters that night we went out,’ I say.

I look up at her and her face is pure shock. She didn’t think I had it in me, didn’t think I could make these things happen. And I don’t blame her, because I didn’t either.

‘How?’ she asks.

‘I saw him on the street, overheard him arranging a night out. But that doesn’t really matter, does it? I’ve fiddled with everything and made it all worse.’ I wonder whether they’ve heard the hairline crack in my voice.

‘Not in my case,’ Julie says.

I’m not sure about that. Her reunion with Martin hasn’t been quite the success I first thought it was. For one thing, Martin doesn’t seem to be contrite, and for another, there’s still a lot of sadness in Julie’s face.

‘Do you think I can fix this?’ I ask, looking at Patricia.

She smiles, and I know that she’s already halfway to forgiving me. She’s that kind of person.

‘I think you can try,’ she says.





30





‘So that’s what happened. And I’m ashamed about it, now. I’m sorry.’

I’m getting a lot of practise with this apologising lark. Arthur would find it hilarious.

Sarah looks at me, her gaze steady. We’re in Patricia’s kitchen and Patricia’s with the little girls in the living room, the television on. All three of them, Sarah and both of her daughters, have Patricia’s height and her big, blue eyes, but it looks different on all of them. Sarah stoops a bit, like someone who always wished she was shorter. Sasha, the elder girl, looks like a wild thing, and Iris, the little one, just looks like she’s always a bit surprised.

‘You were playing with people’s lives,’ she says.

Funny, she has a slight American twang despite never having lived there. That’s the imprint of her mother on her life, I think.

‘I know. It’s just, you and Geoff, you weren’t real people to me. I was just thinking about Patricia, and what would be best for her. I know I got it wrong.’

She looks perplexed. ‘But why did you think us being back here would be best for Mum? I know she missed us but I always got the impression she was delighted to have her house back.’

‘No,’ I say. I shake my head. I’m sure on this one. ‘No, she was lonely.’

And it strikes me, then, that there are other cures for loneliness than reinstating the person or people who were there before. I was lonely without Arthur, and Patricia was lonely without Sarah and her daughters, but it doesn’t mean we need those people back. It’s impossible, in my case. And inadvisable in hers, I’ve learned. There are routes out of loneliness. We can help each other find them. And then my mind lands on Julie. She was lonely, too. Was getting back together with Martin the right thing? I’m not as sure as I was.

‘We’ll visit more,’ Sarah says. ‘And call. I’ll get the girls to send video messages.’

‘She’ll like that. So you’re definitely going back?’

She nods. ‘I have to give it a chance. Geoff’s a good man. Mum never had someone and I don’t want to make the same mistake.’

Is it always a mistake to go through life without a partner? I think about me and Arthur, about Bill and Dot, about Julie and Martin, about Erin and Hannah. And then I stop thinking, and just accept that this is what’s right for her, right now. Patricia’s heart will be broken again, and it will be my fault. I will have to own up to that, and do everything I can to help her heal.

I say goodbye and go to the front door. Sarah follows me. ‘Goodbye, Patricia,’ I call out.

‘Why do you call her Patricia?’ Sarah asks. ‘No one calls her that.’

It’s true. Patricia comes out into the hallway.

‘Are you all right, Mabel?’ she asks.

She’s a kind woman. I’m the one in the wrong here. It’s undisputable. But she is worried about me, all the same. ‘Yes,’ I say. ‘Are you?’

She looks at her daughter and I think I see her lip wobble a tiny bit. ‘I will be.’

Sarah reaches out and puts an arm around her mother, and it’s clear there’s a bond there that might be stretched by distance but which won’t be broken. It’s for life, family. It’s forever.

‘Thank you, Sarah,’ I say. ‘For listening. And thank you, Patty, for giving me a chance to explain.’

She looks surprised that I’ve used her shortened name, but she doesn’t say anything.

‘I’ll see you soon, Mabel.’

‘You will, I’m sure.’

On the walk home, I go a bit out of my way, telling myself I need a couple of bits from the shop. I could just message Erin, ask her to bring something home with her, but I don’t feel like going home yet, and that’s the honest truth. I’m starting to enjoy being out and about, with all that entails. Running into people, chatting. I go to the graveyard. There’s no one around, so I sit on the bench.

‘You wouldn’t believe what’s going on,’ I say. It’s Arthur’s grave I’ve come to first today. ‘I’ve made a friend, Erin, and she’s living in our spare room. She’s seventeen. She’s bright and funny and a bit lost, and she’s made such a difference to me. Well, her and Julie, the carer you sent, and a couple of others too. I didn’t realise how closed off I was, how isolated we were, until you were gone and I was on my own.’ I pause for a minute before saying the next bit. ‘I know I dragged you down, sometimes. And I’m sorry for that. Oh, and I know how to apologise now. Better late than never, eh?’