The Thrashers(106)

She nodded, and Julian took her in one last time.

“You’ll be done soon,” she said. “Me, Paige, Zack, and Lucy—we were haunted by this for a year. I know it doesn’t feel the same, and maybe this is dumb—”

“No, I get it,” he said. “This is my turn. I know I made a choice to be cruel. And I have to live with that.”

“I guess I’m saying, I’m glad you weren’t haunted over the past year. That she wasn’t … playing tricks on your picture gallery, or in your dreams, or sitting on the side of your bed in the morning.” She chuckled.

Julian looked at her, his eyes turning serious and intent. “I never said she wasn’t.”

Jodi stared, shock running over her.

“Hollister, let’s go.” The guard stepped forward.

“You—” Jodi tried to form the words. “The whole time? Or, when you—when you died—?”

“See you, Dillon,” he said. “Don’t forget to write.”

Jodi felt the moment slipping from her. He didn’t wait for her reply. The phone clanged on the receiver with finality, and he pushed back from the chair with a quick smile.

He moved to the back wall and followed the guard to the door. The sconce above him winked.

The door opened, and the second sconce surged. Julian gave her a final glance before the door closed, and Jodi watched the sconce above him flicker and go out.





Epilogue





The guard escorts him out the door, and I take one last look at Jodi. I wave.

I move with him to his room, a small box he shares with someone else, but it’s vacant now. He clenches his jaw as I sit on the end of his roommate’s bed and stare at him. Just like I’ve done for a year now.

“I told you to thank her for the drawing,” I say.

He ignores me. Like he’s done for a year now.

He picks up a book and tries to read, so I stare at a spot on his neck until he scratches it. It’s my favorite game.

I try to whisper ideas to him. Ways to see her again in a few short months. I know he wants to, but he’s vindictive enough to keep himself from her if it will keep me from her.

“We should go to CalArts in December,” I say. “We can see her play. Think of how happy she’d be if you surprised her—”

The book flies at my head, passing through me.

He folds his hands under his chin, pinching his eyes closed. They snap open and look right at me, glaring, cutting.

I smile back at him. We’re just getting started.





Acknowledgments


This book has my whole heart, and I couldn’t have gotten it to this stage without the people listed here.

My agent, Gaia Banks, is the absolute best in the biz. Thank you for being with me every step of the way whenever I say I want to branch out. Thank you to everyone at Sheil Land Associates LTD, especially Lauren Coleman and Natalie Barracliffe.

To my editors Alexandra Sehulster, Tom Bonnick, and Natalie Doherty—thank you for finding this book and championing it. You elevated my material so much, and I can’t thank you enough. Wednesday Books and Harper Fire, I am so grateful for the beginnings of a long partnership! Thank you to Ashley Quintana, Cassidy Graham, Jane Tait, Cassie Gutman, Natalie Montanez, Sara Goodman, Eileen Rothschild, Anto Marr, and the entire rest of the team at Wednesday Books and Harper Fire. Thank you, Ollie, for the care you took in the sensitivity read.

To the friends who not only supported me, but also read the early version of The Thrashers—Ali Hazelwood, Jen, Mar, Cat, Katie, Lucy, Alannah, Bailey, Toni, Celia Winters, Victoria, and Diana Maltzer. To my group chats that are instrumental to my mental health and well-being—Gremlins, WAH, and Edge Chat—thank you to you all.

Anna Conathan, you may possibly love this book more than I do, and that is actually impossible, so here’s to defying the possible. I know I’m your favorite client, thanks. Amanda, you came in at the eleventh hour and not only tidied up my (fictional) legal messes, but also told me that this is the one. And Fancy Margaret, you are so fancy that you deserve no lesser title. Thank you for being the biggest JOLIAN fan in the world and talking to me about this book from a balcony in Italy, randomly.

To the booksellers and bookstagrammers who take the time to push my books and support me, thank you. To the YA writers who agreed to blurb me for my intro to this genre, thank you!

Thank you to my parents for every little thing. And thank you to my readers who have followed me to the ends of the earth, genre to genre. Thank you to the members of Rights and Wrongs and Julie Soto Reader Group for making this whole thing so fun.

Thank you to my Paige and my Lucy and my Oliver for surviving the trenches with me. We all came out with different scars, and this book is mine.