The Thrashers(104)

“Amazing, babe. I’ll totally drive up to see one of your plays!”

Jodi smiled. She wouldn’t hold her to it.

They parked and followed the map to Emily’s grave. Paige had bought flowers at the grocery store, but Jodi had settled for a tiny sketch on a slip of drawing paper—a girl with wide teeth and pale eyes, hair framing her face in sheets of gold.

There was a lot about Emily Mills that Jodi wished she knew when she was alive. She was manipulative and obsessive, but she was also taken advantage of in multiple ways. Jodi couldn’t lie and say that she missed her, but she did wish things had been different. She wished she’d been more direct with her. Maybe if it had been Jodi to tell her the limo wasn’t coming, Emily would have listened.

They found a simple grave with fresh flowers. Jodi was sure Maureen Mills came by often. She turned to look out over the rest of the tombstones, thinking about her mother’s grave, here somewhere. She’d never been. Maybe she could bring herself to go before she headed to college. Maybe Rosa would like to come with her and leave flowers.

“I’m sorry, Emily.” Paige’s voice was harsh, like the words had burst from her chest before her mouth had gotten the message. “I was mean to you and I lied to you. I would take it all back in an instant, and I know that means nothing…”

She choked off, turning her eyes down to her shoes. Jodi reached out and slipped her fingers through Paige’s.

“I’m not getting the flare in my pictures anymore,” Paige said to her quietly. “Isn’t that weird? Do you think maybe she’s satisfied?”

“Maybe.” Jodi squeezed her hand. “I think maybe there’s some peace now.”

“Lucy isn’t having that sleep paralysis thing anymore, either. I think it’s connected. Or at least, I’d like to think it is.”

They stood for a while. Jodi didn’t know how long you were supposed to visit a grave for. Was there something to do? Or say? Would Paige want to pray?

“I threw the bottle.” The words were whispered from Jodi’s left. Her head snapped to Paige, and if it weren’t for the tears dripping off her eyelashes, she would have thought someone else had said it. “I threw it, and I’m sorry.”

Jodi’s heart hammered. “What?”

“It was me.” Paige looked at her with wet eyes and a pink nose. “It wasn’t funny, but I thought—” She choked, and Jodi couldn’t breathe. “Do you ever feel like you’re not enough?” Paige asked.

There was a warm breeze winding its way between them. Paige’s hair ebbed and flowed.

“I’m so afraid that you guys will find out that I’m nothing. Nobody,” Paige said. Jodi’s eyes were stinging. “I feel like I’m always running to catch up with you guys. I do stupid things to make myself matter.” She turned to Emily’s headstone, raising her voice to say, “And it was wrong. It could have really hurt you. And I’m sorry.”

Jodi felt such a mix of horror and sadness, understanding and otherness. “Does Lucy know?”

Paige sniffed. “No. I was driving her car. I’d dropped her off for something.”

The breeze played with their hair, their clothes. Jodi stared at her, trying to understand.

A car door slammed in the parking lot, echoing against the gravestones. Jodi spun. Zack and Lucy were walking toward them. Lucy had a bundle of daisies in her hand.

“Don’t tell Zack,” Paige said, and then smiled brightly to wave them over.

Jodi was still trying to school her expression when Zack and Lucy reached them. It was the first time the four of them had been together since Zack’s charges were dropped, but it felt weird to be together without Julian. And now that Jodi knew another secret, it felt unbearable.

Lucy enveloped her in a hug the second she was in range, and Jodi felt herself sink into it. Lucy whispered in her ear, “Great idea. Thank you for inviting us.” Jodi’s eyes flickered to Paige while Lucy held her.

Jodi wondered if they blamed her, if they were secretly angry about Julian and wanted answers. She hadn’t really discussed why she’d reached out to Detective Harding, but they’d never asked. But she guessed it didn’t matter. What’s done was done.

Julian was the only one who wasn’t walking away unscathed.

Her eyes landed on Zack. His gaze was open and kind, but there was an edge of worry under it. “Hey, Jo.”

She nodded at him. She wasn’t sure she needed a hug from him. If he wasn’t going to wrap her up like Lucy had, then she wasn’t going to step forward.

Lucy set down the daisies and said something short and sweet. Zack did the same. After a moment, they started talking about the new roommates they’d already connected to. And it was normal. Almost.

Greg had gotten Boston to reinstate Zack’s admission. It wasn’t Zack’s first-choice school, but it was where his sister was, and he’d be on the basketball team. Lucy was in at UCLA, and she and Paige were already talking about meeting up after their first week of classes.

While the two of them talked about Rodeo Drive, Zack leaned into her. “Can we walk?”

Jodi took a deep breath and followed him between the gravestones. Someone had come by and given flowers to every single grave in the row.

“Can I ask you if you’re mad at me?” he said.