This Book Made Me Think of You(38)

* * *



—

As she remembers that day, her eyes fill, blurring the view of the canal in front of her.

“Your mother-in-law did what?” Alfie splutters. The sound pulls Tilly back to the present, to the light on the water, the trees rustling above her and Alfie’s presence at her side, his face twisted in shock.

“At Thanksgiving dinner, of all moments.”

Memories from that meal come rushing back to her: the smell of turkey and cranberries; how handsome Joe looked in his shirt and chinos, because his mother always liked them to dress up for celebration dinners; and Ellen saying across the table, Are you sure you’ve really thought this through?

The way Tilly’s stomach had dropped at the words.

“Wow, that must have been awful,” says Alfie. “How did Joe take it?”

“Not well. There was this big blowup argument.”

And yet later that day, when it was just the two of them down by the lake, Joe had locked eyes with her and said, “Maybe my mom has a point.”

Tilly’s heart gives a squeeze, and she lets out a breath.

“It was never really talked about again after that. We got through the rest of the trip playing nice and pretending it hadn’t happened. And then we went back to London. Six months later Joe got sick.” Her voice catches, remembering the day he told her about his diagnosis. She’d had her own news to tell him and couldn’t wait to get home to share it with him. But she never got to.

“We pulled together a small wedding quickly—just family. His parents and siblings flew over for it, and no one mentioned the conversation that had happened at Thanksgiving. Joe died nine months after our wedding.”

“Tilly,” says Alfie, pausing on the path and reaching out to place a hand on her arm, forcing her to stop walking too. She’s aware that her breathing has become rapid, but as his warm hand wraps gently around her arm, she forces herself to take steadying breaths. He doesn’t say anything, simply waits and watches, not turning away from her pain. Once she’s regained control of her breathing, she continues, “I’m so glad we got to get married. Despite whatever my in-laws might have said in the past. I’m so glad that he was my husband, even if we didn’t get long. I haven’t seen my in-laws since the funeral. But now my mother-in-law has invited me to go to America in July to spend the anniversary of Joe’s death with them. She’s also said she wants us to have a ‘talk,’ although I have no idea what she could have to say to me. I feel like I should go. But I’m just not sure I can face it. It will be hard enough to get through the day without having to be away from home, among my in-laws and with all our issues simmering in the background.”

She lets out another breath, aware of how much she has just dumped on him. But he doesn’t seem weighed down by it. He waits for a beat longer as if checking she has finished, before saying, “Thank you for trusting me with all of that. You’ve been through so much. It makes complete sense why you wouldn’t want to go and see them after the way they treated you, especially not on Joe’s anniversary. Anniversaries can be really tough. I remember the first for my dad. I kept telling myself it was just a day like any other. Why should I feel the grief more keenly on any specific day? But it hit me hard. I was a mess. Give yourself space. And don’t worry about other people. You need to do what’s right for you on that day. No one else.”

It feels as though a weight has lifted in Tilly’s chest. Just having spoken it all out loud has made her lighter.

“Thank you. And maybe you’re right. But I know I can’t keep putting Ellen off forever. She can be persistent. And if she has something to tell me, I probably owe it to Joe to at least listen. Part of me does want to hear what she has to say. But I’m not sure I’m ready.”

“And that’s OK. But you’ll get there.”

“I hope so.”

“Just think of how far you’ve come already this year. You’ve got back into reading. You’ve been to Bali and you spent three weeks in Paris by yourself. You quit your job. You’re training for a half-marathon. Your mother-in-law sounds like a nightmare, and you’d have every right never to see her again if that’s what you wanted. But if hearing what she has to say feels important to you, or if you think it might help you get closure, then you’ll handle it when you’re ready, just like you’ve handled everything else this year.”

A quiet descends, the two of them standing and watching the water, Tilly’s heart thumping hard inside her chest.

Alfie glances at his watch. “Shit, I hadn’t realized the time. I should probably get to the shop. Only if you’re OK though?”

“I am. Thank you. I should probably get back to running.”

“Are you sure? I can stay if you need me to.”

“No, it’s OK. I actually feel like running now. Sorry for making you late.”

“Don’t apologize, it’s fine. And if you ever want to talk again—about anything—you’re always welcome at the shop. Or if you just want to sit and read—the shop isn’t just for when you need to collect a book or choose something new. The door is always open. Well, metaphorically speaking. I do sleep occasionally. And not at the shop.”

He smiles then and she smiles back.