This Book Made Me Think of You(39)
“Thank you. I appreciate the metaphorical door. And you listening to me.”
He fixes her with his brown eyes.
“Anytime.”
* * *
—
He can’t help it. Before Alfie pedals out of sight, he cranes to look over his shoulder, catching a glimpse of Tilly’s wavy ginger ponytail swinging and her pale arms pumping with a determination that makes his lips twitch into a smile. She doesn’t turn to look back. Of course she doesn’t.
“Hey, watch where you’re going!”
Alfie swerves just in time to miss the oncoming dog walker. For the second time that morning he narrowly avoids ending up in the canal.
* * *
—
When Tilly arrives home, she composes an email to her mother-in-law before she can change her mind.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Joe’s memorial
Dear Ellen,
I’m sorry that I haven’t been in touch for a while.
A lot has happened for me over the past few months. I recently left my job at Splash, having decided to take some time out. I went to Paris in April and have been enjoying learning to cook thanks to a Delia Smith cookbook. And, inspired by Joe, I’m getting back into running and have even signed up for a half-marathon in October. I wanted to do something to honor him.
Thank you for the invitation to join you for Joe’s anniversary. I really appreciate you including me. I think for this first one I need to be on my own though. I’ll be thinking of you all on the day.
I hope you, Hank, and the rest of the family are well.
Tilly
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Joe’s memorial
Understood about the memorial. Would you like to come another time? There are things it would be good to talk to you about that might be better to discuss in person. How about August for Joe’s birthday? We’d love to have you.
Ellen x
Tilly reads the email twice. Her natural instinct is to put Ellen off again and to stay as far away as possible from the house in Connecticut that holds so many memories. But then she thinks back to her conversation with Alfie by the canal. Maybe going back and seeing Joe’s family again will help Tilly get closure. It will be hard to be in the house again and to hear whatever it is that Ellen has to say. But Tilly has done hard things. The past eighteen months have been full of things she never thought she would survive. And yet she’s still here.
Twenty-Five
It’s surprising how time fills itself now that Tilly has so much of it on her hands. Given that work took up so much space in her life for so many years, she imagined she’d find it hard to adjust, but she relaxes into her free time like sinking into a warm bath.
She sleeps a lot, finally giving in to the fatigue that has plagued her since Joe died. Previously she pushed through it in the name of her career. Now she lets herself nap in the afternoon if she needs to, and when she wakes she feels a little steadier, a little more human. She runs, sometimes alone and sometimes with Harper, the routes still short and slow but day by day getting ever so slightly less painful.
In the evenings she cooks, inviting Harper and Raj over to share a paella that they couldn’t quite believe she made from scratch, followed by an Eton mess with emphasis on the “mess.” Normally when Tilly eats she has the TV on in the background for company, but on that night, the flat filled with voices and laughter.
A couple of times a week she pops into the bookshop. It seems Alfie was genuine in his offer, because when she stops by, he makes sure there is a chair free where she can tuck up and read, Georgette usually hopping onto her lap. Sometimes she’ll fall into conversation with Alfie, Prudence, or Blue, but if the shop is busy, she’ll just read quietly, grateful to have her love of books again. She steadily makes her way through the shop’s romance section as well as new releases by some of her favorite authors that she missed during her reading hiatus. Being in the bookshop feels like being alone but not alone. When she’s there her grief waits outside the door like a dog tied to a lamppost, peering in but not venturing inside.
And then, at the end of the month, she finds herself putting lipstick on in the bathroom mirror, getting ready to visit a pub in Camden for the first time in months.
Can’t wait to see you later, comes a message from Rachel.
Same here, Tilly replies, slipping a denim jacket over her floaty blue dress. When Rachel had invited her for a drink at their old favorite pub, she had been hesitant but remembered her decision to give Rachel another chance. We all make mistakes. Some friendships just fade away. But maybe some can be resuscitated.
She gives her lipstick a final check, tugging the hem of her dress. As she’s about to leave, she spots her copy of Hello Beautiful by Ann Napolitano on the coffee table, a recommendation from Prudence that she recently finished, and slips it in her bag.
* * *
—
The street outside the pub is busy, groups of guys in suits nursing pints and talking loudly on the pavement. As Tilly approaches she flashes them a glance, thinking how easy it is to picture Joe among them.
“?’Scuse me,” she says, and they step aside to let her past, one of them holding the door open for her. It is quieter inside, and she lets out a breath of relief at the familiar sight of the pub she has visited countless times before. It looks exactly the same, beer mats pinned to the ceiling, leather chairs arranged in cozy groups, and the back door open and letting in sunshine and a pleasant breeze from the beer garden.