This Could Be Us (Skyland, #2)(91)

“Your father broke my heart,” I tell them, “and he broke the law. He is not, in my estimation, a good man. I wish I could have protected you from the truth, but that was impossible. So you understand why I had to divorce him.”

“I would have been mad if you hadn’t,” Lupe says, traces of bitterness in her words. “He doesn’t deserve you, Mom.”

“No, he doesn’t, and he doesn’t deserve you either, yet here we are.” I gesture toward the imposing white building of the prison. “He’s all the things we said, but he’s also the man who taught you to ride a bike, Lupe.”

She drops her eyes to her lap.

“And always played video games with you, Inez,” I say, glancing back to meet my daughter’s eyes. “And did handstands with you in the backyard, Lottie.”

“He wasn’t very good at them.” She snorts, but a small smile cracks the corner of her mouth.

“My point is that it’s complicated,” I say. “He’s not all bad and he’s not all good, and he’s still your father. Finding out he’s not perfect doesn’t erase all your love for him.”

“You’re sure you’re okay with us seeing him?” Lottie whispers.

“I’ve told you from the beginning and I mean it now. I don’t want to keep you and your father apart. He will never—hear me when I say this—never have custody of you. No judge would award him that, and I would move heaven and earth to stop that from happening. You can love him, but I will never trust him with my heart again. The three of you are the most precious things in the world, and I will not trust him with you.”

I let the words land in the quiet interior of the car before going on.

“And seeing him today may bring up some really big feelings. I’m not leaving you to process that on your own. So yeah, if you want to see your father before he gets out, I will be with you.” I grab my purse and open the car door. “Ready?”

Am I ready?

As we check in, go through the metal detectors, get our hands black-light stamped, my stomach roils. My last visit with him traumatized me in ways I have only revisited in the safety of a therapy session. Edward did not see me as an equal. He did not appreciate the years of labor and counseling and love that I gave freely to our relationship, to this life I was stupid enough to think we were building together. I was merely unpaid labor to him, and he treated me like shitty tissue paper. Flushed me for someone he hadn’t gotten to use yet.

“It’s a lot of people,” Lottie whispers, reaching for my hand.

“Yeah, we don’t get, like… a private place to talk?” Inez asks, glancing around the visiting room, where several other prisoners are receiving their families.

“I told you it would be a communal visiting room,” I remind them. “Your father only gets a private room with the lawyer.”

“Dad!” Lupe gasps, her eyes going wide.

Edward stands at the door with a group of inmates, all similarly garbed in khaki pants and button-up shirts to match. He swings his head around when Lupe calls him. His face lights up at the sight of the girls. Even though he didn’t want his daughters to come here, he looks happy to see them, immediately stretching his arms out for a hug. Inez and Lottie run to him, flinging themselves into his arms. I hate this bastard, but seeing his brows knit with emotion, the flush crawling over his cheeks, and the dampness on his lashes elicits a tiny twitch of pity.

Lupe hangs back, still standing with me, but staring intently at her sisters and her father.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, brushing a hand over her head.

She looks at me, and even though she has Edward’s eyes, I see myself in her. I see the deep concern she has for me warring with the love she still holds for her father, despite what he’s done.

“You sure you’re okay, Mom?” Tears fray the ends of her words, and she blinks with wet lashes.

“I’m fine,” I reply, keeping my voice level despite the emotion her concern causes to well up inside me. “Baby, go see your dad.”

My permission seems to uncork the last of her reservations, and in a few steps she adds herself to the group hug still going on with her sisters and my ex. Edward glances up from the cluster of black and red heads to catch my eye.

“Thank you,” he mouths.

I don’t respond, only give him back a hard stare to let him know I’m not playing with his trifling ass. Me he can no longer hurt. These girls… he’s already damaged them in ways I may not even know yet, in ways the family therapist may have missed. I’ll never forgive him for what he’s put them through.

“Let’s sit down,” he says, pointing to a small cluster of chairs in the corner of the room. There are only three seats available. He takes one and pulls Lottie onto his knee while Lupe and Inez take the other two.

“We can share, Mom,” Inez offers, scooting her slim frame over to make room for me.

“I’m fine here,” I tell her, softening the stiffness of my tone with a smile and leaning against the wall.

For the next twenty minutes, Lottie regales Edward with stories of her meets and medals. Inez talks nonstop about Animal Crossing and school, and after a few watchful moments, Lupe starts opening up and talks about her grades, the debate team, and finally Lindee and Cora.