Till Summer Do Us Part(34)

“Yeah.” I pull on the back of my neck. “I’m really not that guy. Not sure where that came from.” I gasp, and my eyes widen. “Shit, are the Brads and Chad already wearing off on me? Am I…am I turning into a douche?”

“I don’t know. How do you feel about boat shoes?”

“Unfavorably,” I answer. “But that doesn’t mean that I’ll still feel the same way about them if I continue to be around them.”

“Dear God.” She shakes her head. “I refuse for you to become a douche. Refuse. We must get rid of all the things.” She reaches for the dildos lined up in the back, and I quickly swat her hand away.

“Don’t touch anything.”

“Why?” she asks, staring down at the cluster of copulation.

“Because what if the dresser has a weighted sensor like the minibars you find in hotels? You pick it up, and the hotel automatically charges you.”

“Do you think that’s a thing?”

“I don’t know.” I shrug and then open one of the drawers to explore. I move around the dresser, running my fingers along the wood, examining every facet of it, even the back wall to see if it’s plugged in. When I detect no feel of a sensor, I blow out a heavy breath. “No sensor. We should be good.”

“Thank God.” Scottie opens a drawer and then scoops everything inside, leaving one single dildo poking out from the top as she closes the drawer just enough for the head of the fake penis to be peeking out.

“Why are you leaving the dick out like that?”

“Because if there’s no sensor, that means they come in here and count everything to see what we’ve used, and I don’t want them charging us. You might be rich, but to hell if we’re getting charged”—she stares down at the menu—“twenty-seven dollars for a three-ounce bottle of lube. If we leave the dildo poking out, they’ll know we just shielded our eyes from the sex minibar.”

“Smart.”

“Thank you.” She then takes a look around the room. “Any chance we can take off the handcuffs?”

“I can work on it.” I head over to the bed and start assessing as Scottie looks at the erotic pictures on the wall.

Gesturing to one of just a single breast with a very erect nipple and a water droplet hanging off the tip, she asks, “How do we feel about the nipple?”

“It’s a great nipple,” I answer honestly.

She then moves to the picture right next to it of a scrotum and motions to it. “And this nut sack?”

“I mean, it’s a well-manicured set of balls.”

Her head tilts to the side as she studies it. “Looks kind of old.”

“Scrotums are supposed to have wrinkles, Scottie.”

She purses her lips, unamused as she glances in my direction. “I know they’re supposed to have wrinkles, this set just seems… Oh God.”

“What?”

She clasps her hand over her mouth. “Do you think this scrotum belongs to Sanders and that nipple belongs to Ellison?”

Well, there’s an unnerving thought. I turn toward the pictures, giving them a better look, focusing more on the scrotum than anything. “Ehh, I don’t think Sanders would be that well landscaped. I mean, the man was walking around with a goddamn neck pillow hanging around his throat like a necklace. No way do his nuts look that good.”

I catch the swallow in her throat as she glances at the pictures. “Maybe you’re right, but just to keep the visual out of my head, do you mind if I take them down?”

“Nope. Please do.” I chuckle as I pluck the handcuffs off one by one and then set them in the drawer along with the rest of the lovemaking loot.

Scottie places the pictures in the corner and then scans the room, her watchful eyes taking in every nook and cranny. “There, I think that’s better. All we needed to do was take the sex out of this marriage.”

“Couldn’t be prouder,” I say and then go for our bags. I place them on the bed so we can unpack. “No wonder everyone was gunning to win the mini golf competition. They probably knew they were going to get a free basket of sex toys and condoms.”

“Yeah, I didn’t think about that,” she says. “Makes sense.”

I flip open my suitcase, and I’m met with a paper on the top from Camp Haven.

“What’s this?” I ask, holding it up.

“I have no idea,” she says, walking up to me. “What does it say?”

“‘Dear Camper, your suitcase has been examined by the camp staff, and we’ve found the following contraband in your bag.’” There’s a list of different contraband items, and at the bottom, food/drink is circled. “Holy shit, I think they took the Nerds Clusters.”

“Nooooo,” Scottie says next to me. “Check.”

“I don’t need to. They were right here, on top. They’re gone.” What the fuck is this? They just go through our bags without our consent?

“The hell? What else is on that list?” She takes it from me and scans it for a few seconds before looking up. “Condoms, sex toys, lube, edibles, it’s all on here. What a scam! They want you buying their costly condoms.”

“And here I thought Sanders was an upstanding man.” I shake my head. “I’ll tell you this, my opinion of him has severely dropped with this blatant display of capitalism.”