Totally and Completely Fine(11)

I told myself I didn’t care when he stopped coming over. When Gabe would leave to meet him instead of the two of them hanging out in the basement, which I’d commandeered. All of a sudden, after years of spending afternoons at the house, he was just gone.

I told myself I didn’t miss him.

I told myself that I was right, and he was wrong.

I told myself forgiveness was overrated.

And then it was easy to stay mad at him when one of his church buddies tattled about the poker game. After he lost most of his savings by being an arrogant asshole who couldn’t play poker but wanted to look like a big man in front of our peers. Who had been near tears when I told him I wasn’t giving the money back.

I didn’t feel guilty.

Not at all.

And I wasn’t surprised when the little shithead told his parents about the poker game, who then told the church leadership, who then told the whole fucking town.

That’s when everyone found out what I’d been doing.

That I wasn’t the sad, sweet, mournful daughter that they’d expected me to be.

That I was, in fact, trouble.

Chapter 8

Now

“Is there anything in particular you’d like to do?” Ben asked.

He’d just picked me up and we were still parked in his rental car outside of Gabe’s place.

My brother and Lena had left about fifteen minutes earlier. I’d ignored the heavy, dramatic sighs that Lena had made all morning. It had been like being stalked by an elderly pug. I felt bad for Gabe, but then again, he’d literally asked for it.

I’d applied deodorant at least four times. Changed my bra twice. Put my hair up. Then down. Then up again. And now down. I’d waited for Ben and paced the length of the guest room, with Teddy at my heels, wondering what the hell I had done.

I’d scheduled a sex date.

Ben looked incredible, wearing exactly what I expected a daredevil type to wear, head-to-toe black with scuffed boots and a silver ring on his thumb. I couldn’t see it clearly, but I was pretty sure I spied a necklace or two, a hint of chest hair peeking out from his unbuttoned Henley.

His car smelled brand-new, as if he’d just picked it up. I was a little disappointed—I’d expected a motorcycle. Not that I’d ever been on a motorcycle, and truthfully it freaked me out a bit, but it would have been sexy.

The whole Ben Walsh experience.

But I could be content with whatever I got.

That was the hope, at least.

“There’s plenty of sightseeing,” Ben said. “Lots of great museums, galleries, and historical monuments. Whatever you’d like to do.”

I thought about making an excuse. About telling him that unfortunately I couldn’t spend the day with him. That I had a headache. Or cramps. Or a bum knee that was acting up.

I thought about all the reasons this was a bad idea.

I thought about Spencer.

I thought about myself.

“I think we should have sex,” I said.

Ben didn’t move. He didn’t even blink.

For a moment I thought he might not have heard me.

I kept talking.

“I mean, I figured that you would be interested, because yesterday, it seemed that way, and I’m attracted to you because you’re gorgeous and you like food. Also, I was tested a few months ago and it all came back negative, and I haven’t been with anyone else since. But this doesn’t have to be some big deal, because I live in Montana and you live…somewhere else and this is just a vacation and a onetime thing. I just thought…we should have sex…”

I trailed off weakly, knowing that I probably sounded like an absolute lunatic.

I put my head in my hands. “I’ll see myself out.”

“Lauren,” Ben said.

I looked at him.

“I would very much like to have sex with you,” he said.

This time I was the one who didn’t blink.

“I’m very attracted to you,” he said. “And I was tested last month and it’s all negative as well.”

“Oh,” I said. “That’s great!”

I sounded like I was congratulating him on getting straight A’s.

“So where do you want it?” Ben asked. “Front seat or back?”

I stared.

“I, uh…”

Then I saw the smile he was struggling to hide.

“Sorry,” he said. “Couldn’t help myself.”

I let out a breath. Teasing was good.

“Or we could go to my place,” he said. “It has a bed.”

I glanced toward the rear of the car.

“I don’t know,” I said. “It looks cozy back there.”

Ben unbuckled his seatbelt. “Whatever the lady wants,” he said, with a dramatic sigh.

I laughed and put my hand on his arm. “A bed sounds nice,” I said.

He looked at where I was touching him. Bare hand to bare arm. Skin to skin. I’d done it without thought, but now I could feel the heat from his skin, and the goose bumps rising on my own.

Ben’s eyes met mine. Those fucking eyes. The lust I saw there made me feel like I could lift a car over my head.

I didn’t think.

I just kissed him.

His reaction was instantaneous—as if he’d been waiting for it. He cupped my face with his hands and kissed me like he’d been lost at sea for months. Teeth. Tongue. Lips. It was messy and hot and bruising and perfect.