Totally and Completely Fine(14)

“They say it smells different in each spot,” Ben said.

He lifted my hand, tickling my wrist with the feel of his breath. His inhale was deep, indulgent. Then he moved to my neck, his nose just barely nuzzling the side of my throat. My knees trembled. I leaned even closer toward him, the room hot, the tension thick.

“I think fire suits you,” Ben said.

His eyes met mine, lips curled into a seductive, satisfied smile. For a fleeting moment, I wondered how many others he’d seduced in the exact same way.

In the next moment, I realized it didn’t matter. I didn’t care.

All I needed was him. Right now. Right here.

There was such freedom in that. In caring only about this moment—not the past, not the future. Everything contained in the present.

Ben’s gaze dropped down to the third spot where he’d pressed the perfume. He smiled as he toyed with one of the buttons I’d redone.

“We can go slow,” he said.

“Yes,” I said.

He lowered his head, his hair brushing against my lips as his mouth all but whispered against my skin. When he reached the spot in question—the dent he’d painted with fire—he inhaled deeply. I let my head fall back, eyes closed.

“Lauren,” he said.

The slightest tinge of his accent came through at the end, Lau-ron instead of Lau-ren. I all but fainted from the stimuli—sound, touch, smell.

I was ready for taste again.

He curled a finger under my chin, lifting my face toward his.

Compared to the car and the door, this was the most chaste of kisses and yet it was the one that sent sparks through me. It had been a long time since I’d been kissed like this. With intention, but patience. As if he could kiss me forever.

My palms rested against his chest. His hand moved to my hair.

I leaned into his touch and his mouth kissed down my throat.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

I was vibrating with need.

No. Wait.

That was my phone.

It was in my pocket, but it was clear that Ben had felt it from the way he paused.

“Ignore it,” I said.

He kissed the side of my neck. I tightened my grip on his shoulders.

My phone went off again.

“I think you might want to get that,” Ben said.

He was right.

“She’s locked herself in the bathroom,” Gabe said. “We’re at a museum and she was in there for, like, half an hour, and I started to freak out, so I went in and she’s in the stall and she won’t come out.”

I dropped my head into my hand.

“What? Why?”

I couldn’t look at Ben, and yet I could still feel his lips on my skin.

“She got her period?” Gabe’s voice was hushed. “I think it’s the first time.”

Fuck.

Poor kid.

“Okay,” I said, guilt filling me up. I didn’t know for sure, but it seemed likely, and the not knowing only made the guilt sharper.

“She won’t leave,” Gabe said. “And the stupid machine here is out of pads and tampons and when I asked, all I got was a bunch of weird looks. I’d go get some, but I don’t want to leave her alone here and she refuses to leave.” He paused, let out a breath. “I’m sorry. Can you come meet us?”

“Of course,” I said.

“I hope I didn’t ruin your day,” he said.

I looked over at Ben, leaning against the couch, looking concerned but otherwise unbothered by the interruption.

I bit back a sigh.

“It’s okay,” I said. “I’ll be there soon.”

Chapter 9

Then

We were all long, tanned legs and sticky fingers, passing the bag of M&M’s between us as the fan whirled aggressively from the foot of the bed.

“Why do they make them different colors if they all taste the same?” Jessica asked, holding a melting candy between her fingers, and squinting at it.

“I’m so bored,” I said as a response.

“Me too,” she said.

We were also so high, the two of us, but lately it didn’t give me the same numbness I’d grown to expect—to crave. Instead, more and more it made me feel twitchy, like a windup doll that kept malfunctioning.

I was pretty sure my mom knew exactly what Jessica and I were getting up to in my room these days. She wasn’t stupid and the dinky little floor fan didn’t do much to clear the air. But she never said anything.

“Let’s go to the pool,” Jessica said.

“Yeah,” I said.

But we didn’t move. That was the summer routine. Jessica came over, we got high, ate shitty candy until our teeth ached, complained that we were bored, ignored each other’s suggestions of ways to alleviate said boredom, and eventually parted around dinnertime.

We were halfway into July.

“We should go to the movies,” I said.

“Yeah,” Jessica said.

She flipped over onto her stomach and groaned.

“I feel sick,” she said.

“Yeah,” I said.

“I have to pee,” she said.

“Yeah,” I said.

The bed shifted as she got up. I stared into the fan. I might have fallen asleep, or just totally zoned out, but when I came back to reality, the sun was starting to set, and Jessica still hadn’t returned.