Totally and Completely Fine(27)

“Ugh.” She flopped onto the couch I’d shoved against one of the basement walls.

This space had been Spencer’s once. He’d had his tools and projects in piles—organized chaos. It had taken a long time for me to clear it out—not just because of the amount of stuff but because I hadn’t wanted to.

There was still a closet upstairs packed with his things—all the items I couldn’t bear to get rid of. I’d shoved it all in there and locked it away. A metaphor for other things, no doubt.

I fiddled with the scarf around my neck. I’d made it for Spencer ages ago—it was one of the first things I’d completed, one of the first things I’d given him—and I hadn’t realized that he’d kept it until I found it on his side of the closet three years ago.

Cried over that for a couple of days. No big deal. Grief stuff.

Running my fingers over it, I could feel the mistakes—it wasn’t my best work, I’d been a beginner—but he’d loved it. Those first few years he’d wear it every day during the fall and winter. Eventually, it left the rotation when he was gifted nicer scarves as my knitting got better, and I would complain whenever I saw him wear it.

“You’re making it look like I can’t make you a decent scarf,” I’d tell him.

“You’re nuts,” he’d respond.

I thought he’d thrown it out, but I should have known better. Of course he’d kept it. And now I was the one who couldn’t take it off. Even inside.

I wrapped it one more time around my neck to keep it out of the way.

“The picture on the app was outdated,” Allyson said. “By about fifteen years.”

I winced as I threaded the sewing machine.

One of the many things Allyson and I had bonded over was the horrific lack of decent men within a fifty-mile radius of Cooper. Apparently, it was just as bad in San Francisco, except there were more opportunities to be disappointed.

At least Allyson kept trying, while I’d had the app deleted for months now.

I had been reconsidering it before leaving for Philadelphia.

Because there were things I missed. Connection. Touch. Affection.

I thought that my encounter with Ben would have quenched that desire, but it hadn’t. If anything, it had only fed what was becoming a quickly growing need.

Apparently, I was lonely.

Who would have guessed?

“He didn’t ask me a single question,” Allyson said. “But I now know all his favorite movies, TV shows, and bands. He thinks Joni Mitchell is overrated, by the way.”

“What a prize,” I said.

“And yet, still the best date I’ve been on since I got here,” she said. “At least he didn’t throw a tantrum because the waitress brought the wrong salad dressing or expect me to blow him behind the restaurant because he’d paid for dinner.”

I’d gone to Philadelphia looking for a vacation. I hadn’t expected Ben and our chemistry and the first good time I’d had in a long while, but at the end of the day, it had served the same purpose as the trip. It had been an escape.

But those were always temporary.

Still, I’d hoped the double dopamine hit of successful flirting and orgasms in Philadelphia would have tided me over for a while. No need to reinstall any apps.

And yet.

“Maybe I should try dating women,” Allyson said.

“Are you attracted to women?”

She was silent a moment. “I mean, I think Rachel Weisz is gorgeous.”

“Everyone thinks Rachel Weisz is gorgeous,” I said.

“I guess I haven’t really thought about it,” she said. “I’m not against it. But wouldn’t that be ironic? Leaving the center of gay life to come out here? This part of the country isn’t exactly known for its love of rainbows and pride parades.”

She wasn’t wrong. We didn’t have a pride parade in Cooper. We didn’t have a gay bar.

The queerest thing we did was an annual wood-chopping competition, but I was pretty sure that didn’t really count.

“It would just be a novelty to go out with someone who was nice to me.”

“I’ll take you on a date,” I said. “How about next week?”

Allyson perked up. I was almost done with her pockets.

“Movie and dinner?”

“If Lena can hang out with my mom or Gabe, we can do the whole nine yards,” I said. “I’ll even let you pick the movie.”

“See?” Allyson said. “Women. They’re nice.”

“If I buy you popcorn, I will expect you to put out,” I said.

“If you buy me popcorn, trust me, I will,” she said.

Chapter 17

Then

I had plenty of excuses for why I wasn’t leaving Cooper after graduation. Some of them were half true, like that I didn’t have the money. I’d been working at the grocery store for a while—and could have easily found a job anywhere else in the state doing the same thing. I could even afford a few months’ rent from the way I’d been saving—it would just be rough for a bit.

The other excuses were laughably false, like that I was concerned about leaving my mom. In actuality, she probably would have helped me pack.

My feelings about Cooper at that point were mostly ambivalent. There were times I loved living there, like the days when the skies were clear and big and gorgeous, and the entire place smelled of lilacs.