Totally and Completely Fine(38)

As it turned out, the Cozy make-out corner was just the tip of the iceberg.

I couldn’t go anywhere without seeing people in love. There was the couple all but mauling each other in the freezer section of the market. The double date at the movies, all four of them talking and giggling and the pairs holding hands and being disgustingly cute. At the dog park, a couple was sitting with their legs and arms wrapped around each other—even their pet seemed to be fed up with it, sitting at their feet with its ball, looking annoyed. There had even been a proposal outside the shop, and the entire block had heard the squeals of joy.

“I can’t take it anymore,” I said.

“You know my solution,” Allyson said.

I was giving her a ride home after she’d taken her car to the shop. We’d had to wait because the guy at the desk had been making cutesy kissing noises to whoever was on the other end of the phone.

There was something in the water. Not my water, unfortunately.

“I can help you set up a profile,” Allyson continued. “And we’d probably need to take some new pictures, but I have an iPhone, so we can just get a bunch in portrait mode.”

“It just seems like so much work,” I said.

“Uh, yeah,” she said. “Dating is work.”

“Didn’t it used to be fun?”

Not that I’d really dated before Spencer. I’d had fun, though.

“Dating hasn’t been fun since the internet was invented,” Allyson said.

“The last time I tried, I couldn’t even get past a first date with anyone,” I said.

“You only went on three dates!” Allyson said. “Before I moved here, I’d go on three dates a week!”

“You did not.”

“Didn’t I?”

I truly couldn’t tell if she was joking, but I did know that Allyson went on far more dates than I did.

“It’s a numbers game,” she said. “Unfortunately, the numbers are not in our favor here.”

That was true—it was hard enough to find a decent gynecologist in or around Cooper; finding men equally acquainted or skilled with vaginas was nearly impossible.

“You just have to take a few more risks,” Allyson said. “Try widening your parameters.”

I sighed.

“Or not,” Allyson said.

“No, you’re right,” I said.

“Do you even want to be in a relationship?” she asked. “Or get remarried?”

“Those are two different things,” I said. “And I don’t know.”

I couldn’t imagine ever getting married again. Ever finding room in my home—or my heart—for someone who wasn’t Spencer.

But I wanted…something.

“If you’re looking for a good time, I think you can find that,” Allyson said. “Maybe.”

I thought about Ben and wondered if he was any good at phone sex. Which was dumb. Of course he was good at phone sex. He was great at sexting, and I was pretty sure hearing anything in his accent would get me off, but I hadn’t heard from him since he’d asked about the testicle festival.

It had only been a day or so, but he was usually quick to respond. I’d taken to putting my phone in a drawer at work and deep in my purse every other time to keep from checking it nonstop.

I’d been expecting our conversations to end.

I told myself it was ridiculous to be disappointed.

“I just want to spend time with someone I like,” I said. “Someone nice and kind and funny and smart and—”

“You’re asking for too much,” Allyson said.

We’d pulled up in front of her house, and as Allyson unbuckled her seatbelt, she faced me.

“Look, I’d love to tell you that there are available men out there like that,” she said. “But I can’t. If there are, I haven’t found them, and sadly, right now, the bar is in hell, and most guys don’t even bother to try to meet it.”

“This is depressing,” I said.

“No shit.”

We sat there.

“I’m lonely,” I said.

It was startlingly honest. I scared myself a little by saying it out loud. But it was the truth.

“Me too,” she said. “There are times I even miss my ex and he’s an asshole who cheated on me.”

I wanted to cry.

There was so much I missed about Spencer—things I’d taken for granted. What it was like having someone who knew what kind of toothpaste you preferred. Who knew what would cheer you up on a shitty day. Who knew exactly where you liked to be touched.

Someone who knew you.

“It sucks,” Allyson said. “Missing someone you actually hate.”

“You’ll always have me,” I said.

Allyson took my hand. “Keep trying,” she said. “Don’t give up so easily.”

As if any of this were easy.

“I’ll think about it,” I said.

Chapter 23

Now

I was cleaning out the oven when I heard Lena come home. I stood as she came into the kitchen, followed by Eve. My hands were covered in grease.

“Ew, Mom,” Lena said.

“Glad to see you too,” I said. “Hi, Eve.”