Totally and Completely Fine(45)

“Philadelphia was a onetime thing,” I said. “And I don’t have time for whatever this is. I have a date.”

“A date?”

“I’m forty-one, Ben, and you’re not. Our lives are completely different. You’re just starting out and I’m, I’m basically done with all the things you still need to do. I don’t even know if I want to get married again—or have someone else in my house. I never should have listened to Ollie, and I never should have gone to your trailer. I shouldn’t have gone to Philadelphia in the first place.”

“Lauren?” Ben asked, his voice tentative.

“Why are you doing this to me?” I asked. Still not really talking to him.

“I was just going to the bathroom,” he said.

I opened my eyes.

Ben was looking at me like I was the crazy one.

“I can’t do this,” I said.

“Okay,” Ben said. “Can you let me know what this is so we’re both on the same page?”

“I’m not having sex with you,” I said.

“Right,” he said.

“Not in the restaurant, not out here in the alley, and not at your place.”

Once again, the head tilt. I tried not to be charmed by it.

“You can’t just show up here,” I said, as if repeating it would make it make sense to him. “I live here. My family is here. My friends. And people talk. They talk a lot.”

Ben nodded, and it finally seemed like it was all sinking in.

“As far as anyone knows, you are someone working with my brother,” I said. “We do not have a relationship. We are basically strangers.”

“I wouldn’t say—”

“Basically. Strangers,” I repeated. “No one can know what happened between us.”

“Why not?”

I was speechless for a moment. “Why not? Why not? Did you not hear me before?”

“I thought you weren’t talking to me.”

I barely stifled a growl.

“Okay,” he said, clearly sensing I was at the end of my rope. “I don’t understand, but I’ll be a stranger, if that’s what you want.”

“It is what I want,” I said.

“If you say so.”

“Stop that,” I said.

I should have stepped back.

Because we were done here. I’d made my point—I’d made it very clear.

I moved toward him instead.

“Lauren,” he said.

God. The way he said my name.

And his eyes.

They twinkled at me.

The moment I kissed him, I forgot every reason why I shouldn’t. His reaction didn’t help. His arms went around me, and I melted, my body molding against his. I thought I’d been ravenous before, but now I was desperate. Out of my mind with need. I wanted him—my hands going to his belt, his going to my shirt. The two of us mauling each other like drunk teenagers at homecoming. But better. So much better.

He was such a good kisser. And his hands…

They moved down to my ass, and all I wanted was to be hoisted up against the brick wall of the alley and reminded of exactly how talented and perfect his cock was. I could feel it hard against my stomach.

It would have been so easy to just…

I shoved him back, stopping the kiss abruptly as I realized exactly what I was doing. Exactly what I was thinking about doing.

Both of us were breathing heavily. It was cold out, but I only felt the heat from Ben’s body. I wanted to unbutton his shirt and crawl inside.

What was wrong with me?

“We should talk,” Ben said, his face flushed. “I feel like there’s been some confusion.”

His eyes were warm.

I shook my head.

“This is not…I can’t…”

He reached for me, but I stepped back and, like a coward, ran away.

Chapter 26

Now

Allyson brought my purse and jacket to the store the next day.

“I’m going to need you to tell me everything,” she said.

Immediately, I fished my phone out of my bag.

I didn’t look at Allyson.

“You were the one who spent the evening with them. I think you have more to share than me,” I said. Deflecting.

“Oh please,” she said. “You think I didn’t observe how Ben came back to the table with his shirt collar all fucked up as if someone had been gripping it with her horny, denialist hands?”

As I glanced up, I could feel the color drain from my face.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “Gabe didn’t notice.”

“Thank god,” I said.

I was scrolling through my phone, looking for the text thread I’d been trying to ignore.

“Ollie, on the other hand,” Allyson said. “He was shooting me knowing looks for the rest of the meal. Which he paid for, by the way. Such a sweetheart.” She tilted her head. “You’re sure he’s not interested in women?”

“Completely sure,” I said. “And Ben…did he…？”

“He didn’t say anything,” Allyson said. “Though he did look a little bit like he’d been run over by a truck.”

I found Ben’s number.