With Love, from Cold World(88)

He was surprised when his sister appeared to be wiping away tears. Growing up, she’d always been so tough. She’d pinch him when their parents weren’t looking, and then make fun of him if he cried. But she also didn’t stand for anyone else bothering him, had once grabbed a kid’s bicycle by the handlebars and forcibly turned him around when he rode by to call out insults. Asa didn’t know when exactly that had changed, when he’d started to feel like he was on his own.

But he didn’t want to be on his own anymore. His relationship with Becca wasn’t perfect, but if she said she wanted to try, then he was ready to try, too. The old hurts were still there, but maybe they could move forward through them.

“I needed you on my side, Bec,” he said. “I need you on my side. It was always us. Don’t you remember? I’m not asking you to cut them out, I’m not even asking you to try to change their minds. I just need you to support me, to stand up for me the way you did when we were kids, before it ever became about who I was with or how I identified. Do you think you can do that?”

“Yes,” she said, so quickly it was like she’d been offered a chance to win a prize on a radio show and she didn’t want to lose it. She was definitely crying now, the skin around her eyes blotchy and red. “I can, I will. I’m so sorry I didn’t do that before, I can’t even—”

He didn’t want to talk about the past anymore. “It’s okay,” he said, reaching out to envelop her in a hug. “It’s really okay. I’m glad I came. I’m going to be an uncle, you know.”

This time, when Becca picked up a onesie, she blew her nose right into it before tossing it into a hamper in the corner. “What?” she said, catching his look. “It’s going to be nonstop laundry around here anyway.”

“You excited?”

“Sure, and nervous, scared . . . it’s hard to imagine they’re going to just let Stephen and me bring a kid home and take care of her all by ourselves.”

“I guess now isn’t the best time to bring up what happened with the crickets.”

She swatted him. “I was eight! And those were destined to be your turtle’s food, so I saved them from a worse fate.”

“I’d rather take my place in the food chain than death by a child sitting on a baggie filled with me and my friends five seconds after we left the store.”

She shot him a dubious look, but at least she seemed back in control. He was already on such a thin edge, he didn’t know that he could deal with Becca if she got too warm and fuzzy on him. That was why he didn’t know how to respond to her next comment.

“I think they wanted to see you, too,” she said. “Mom especially. I think she pressured Dad to skip church so they could come, in hopes that you’d be here.”

He made a humming noise in the barest acknowledgment, but he knew it was time he faced his parents. “I should probably head back, check on Lauren. She doesn’t know anyone else here, so I don’t want to leave her alone too long.”

“Right. Of course.” Becca rubbed her stomach, her eyes widening a little. “Maddie’s really doing somersaults—want to feel?”

Before Asa could answer, Becca grabbed his hand and set it on her stomach. Immediately, there was a distinct rolling sensation, and he couldn’t help but think of old cartoons he’d watched as a kid, the roadrunner running into the ground until eventually all you could see was the mound of dirt traveling quickly away from the coyote. It was a little freaky, if he was being honest with himself. But it was awe-inspiring, too, and he was grateful she’d invited him to experience it.

“Does she do that a lot?” he asked once he’d pulled his hand away.

“Oh yeah, especially if I drink something sweet. I had a bunch of orange juice earlier, which is probably what woke her up.” Becca tilted her head, as if considering her next question before deciding to just go for it. “What about you and Lauren? Is she . . .”

“God, no. I mean, we’ve only just—and we used protection, so—” He felt the tips of his ears go red hot when he realized that she hadn’t been asking if Lauren was pregnant. Maybe he’d been too quick to consider his brain unscrambled. Between all the baby talk and being with Lauren only a few hours ago, he was having trouble thinking straight.

But Becca just laughed, seeming to enjoy his discomfiture in the way only an older sister could.

He scrubbed his hand over his face. “It’s very new,” he amended. “Whatever it is.”

Her arched eyebrow seemed to say And you brought her to this?, but thankfully she didn’t say it aloud. He didn’t feel like he could adequately explain himself.

And yet he couldn’t seem to stop talking. “We’ve worked together for a while,” he said. “So I’ve known her for years, technically. But we only recently started . . . well, whatever. Dating.”

It wasn’t lost on him that he and Lauren had yet to go on an official date. If he and Becca had a closer relationship, if they didn’t have the awkwardness of all those lost years between them, this might’ve been where he would’ve asked her advice. I’m crazy about her, he would’ve said. But how do I know if she feels the same way? How do I tell her without freaking her out?

Maybe that had been the true mistake in inviting Lauren to this fraught family event. He’d been so focused on how good it would be to have her support that he hadn’t thought about what it might do to their burgeoning relationship, throwing her straight into the deep end of this swimming pool of adolescent trauma.