You've Found Oliver (You've Reached Sam, #2)(67)

“How was I supposed to know you were gonna go forty in a sixty?” He gestures at the speed limit sign that we’re conveniently passing at just the right moment.

“First of all, I’m going forty-five. Secondly, I’m sorry if I want to keep everyone safe.”

“Oliver, we’re the only two people on the road.”

“There are signs for deer crossing.”

Sam folds his arms across his chest. “Fine, we’ll be late for the deer.”

“Thank you for understanding. Now roll up the window, it’s getting cold.”

“Okay, Mom.”

“Don’t call me that.”

Sam laughs as I focus on my driving. The music continues on low volume. It’s been a while since we’ve had some time to ourselves. Sam stares out the window for a moment. “Do you know what I’ve been thinking about a lot?” He turns back to look at me. “How much everything is going to change. After we graduate, I mean. Do you think about that, too?”

“I guess so? I’m sure some things will change. I don’t know about everything though.” After all, we’ll still be living in Ellensburg. Central Washington is only a stone’s throw from our high school.

“I feel like a lot of people are leaving this year,” Sam says. “Even Spencer’s going to Pullman. And you know Julie wants to leave.”

I roll my eyes. “Well, let’s be honest. She never liked it here.” Frankly, I’m surprised she never moved back to Seattle to live with her dad. I’m sure Sam was probably the reason for that.

“I’m gonna go with her.”

“As in like, to visit?”

“No. I’m moving with her.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I was thinking of taking a year off,” he says. “Maybe even two. There are a lot more opportunities for me in Portland. And you don’t really need a degree to pursue a music career.”

“And when did you decide this?”

“A few months ago. Julie and I have talked about it a lot. But nothing’s concrete yet. We’re still waiting for her to hear back from Reed.”

“I thought we were going to Central together.” I don’t know what else to say. We planned this years ago. I can’t believe he’s throwing this out of left field.

“That was our default. Everyone just goes there,” he says, shrugging. “Maybe we should think beyond it, right? I mean, what’s keeping us here anyway? Besides our families and stuff. I know we planned to stay for college, but maybe we’re meant to do something else.”

I say nothing.

“I hope you’re not mad. You don’t have to stay, either, you know?”

I scoff. “And where would I go?”

“Maybe you should think about it,” Sam says. “Life’s too short to stay in one place, waiting for things to happen. But I get it though. Going to the same places, seeing the same people. There’s something nice about that. I don’t want to wake up one day and feel like I’m not living the life I’m supposed to live. Just because staying here was more comfortable. Sometimes, you need to take that risk.” He lets me take this in. “You know what they say. We can’t stay in the past forever.”

Sam’s words echo through me.

I wish you got the chance to go. I wish you got the chance to live out that life.



* * *





A car zooms past my window, pulling me back to myself. I turn my head and glance at the empty passenger seat. For a moment, it felt like Sam was actually there. I wasn’t expecting to be hit with this vivid memory. Maybe this music is too much for right now.

I’m about to take out the CD when a new song comes on, filling the car with a familiar guitar. It takes me a few seconds to recognize it. “Both Sides Now” by Joni Mitchell. My body goes still for a second. It’s one of Ben’s favorite songs. I’d forgotten that he and Sam had this in common. Tears are forming in my eyes, but I hold them back and keep my eyes on the road. Joni Mitchell’s voice rings through me. I never realized how beautiful the lyrics are.

It’s life’s illusions I recall

I really don’t know life at all

I think about the first night Ben and I spent together. We were lying on his bed, listening to this song play from the living room. I remember falling asleep, wishing we could wake up next to each other. Now here I am, living in his timeline. These past few weeks have brought us so much closer. I don’t want to imagine a world without Ben in it. Maybe I should just stay here so we can be together. After all, I’ve already lost someone I love. I don’t want to lose him, too.

But what would our future look like? He already lost his fellowship because of me, even though he won’t admit that to himself. Who knows what other opportunities he might miss. I don’t want to hold him back from accomplishing his dreams. Not to mention, I’m now doing worse in my classes, too. I’m skipping another one right now to go see him. I think back to the article I found about Ben winning the fellowship. I want him to be the best version of himself. Maybe that doesn’t include me. At least, not right now anyway.



* * *





I cross the bridge into Seattle. The sun burns low over the familiar skyline as I drive into the city. Ben just texted me back. He should be out of office hours soon. We’re going to meet somewhere on campus. I find an empty spot on the street and park the car. There’s another message from him.