She pauses. “I’m just trying to get to the heart of this, so bear with me. This is all consensual, right? Like, you like this, he’s not pressuring you? Emotionally?”
“I don’t think so. I like what we do.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
I start to cry.
“Oh, honey, what is it?”
“I don’t…I think…I might like him more than he likes me. Maybe. I’m not sure. But we agreed to keep it a secret, but I’m thinking…I mean, it would be nice, right, to go somewhere together, where people could see us.”
“That’s called a date.”
I wipe my face with the hem of a dress. I’m pretty sure my sister has never had to deal with anyone who wanted to keep her a secret.
“Usually, people have a few dates and then get busy, not the other way around, but you can do it that way, too. I’m uncomfortable with the secretive aspect, to be honest. Are you sure he doesn’t have a girlfriend or something? That he’s not just practicing on you? You don’t want to be a practice girl.”
“He doesn’t. I don’t think he does. He just says this is easier, and less of a distraction.”
“Uh-huh.” She turns away for a minute and whispers to someone, then comes back. “Sorry, that’s my roommate. She’s making a vending machine run.”
She sighs. “This…is not an optimal situation. I mean, the longer you do this, the more you miss out on, while you’re with Mr. No-Name, who doesn’t want to have an actual relationship with you. Do you know what I mean?”
“Not really. I’ve never done this before. Ever.”
“Well, what if someone else asked you out? Would you say no because you and Mr. No-Name are getting it on god knows where? That person might be really nice and treat you really well and take you places and the whole glitzy flowers and roses and kisses and dances thing or whatever you want…and you’d miss out. And you shouldn’t miss out. Does that make sense?”
“So what should I do?”
“Well, unless you want to spend high school getting dry-humped by a person who doesn’t want to pick you up and take you to a movie, I’d ask them: Do you want to go out? And if they say no, get out of it.”
“How do you even ask that? And if he says no, I mean, then I probably won’t even have him anymore.”
“You deserve better than to be a secret, Emmy. You don’t have to take scraps. You can have the whole damn thing if you want it.”
Maddie’s voice softens. “In ten years, how do you think you’ll feel about this? Honestly? Good? Bad? Lonely?”
“I don’t know.” That seems very far off, ten years. Unfathomable. I would be out of college. Doing something my mother deemed respectable. My stomach ties in a little knot as I remember I have to register for the PSAT and study and study and study and help Joey and all of it. Everything suddenly seems too large to carry and my head clouds.
“Emory, you’ve been in a little shell your whole life. Your whole life has been Mom and Joey, basically. You should find out what it feels like to have someone like you. Love you, even if it hurts, in the end. Sad as that sounds.”
I remember Maddie crying over Thornton Cooper. They dated for two years. She broke up with him when she went to college and he went into the army. Thornton was nice. He had long, lovely fingers and played checkers with me while Maddie was getting ready. It always took Maddie a long time to get ready and when she finally appeared, Thornton’s whole face would change, become brighter somehow. The thing that I want. To be seen. Make somebody’s face light up, get bright. Like I matter. Instead of just, Oh. There’s Emmy.
Maddie turns and whispers again and then her face comes back. “I have to go. My roommate needs to study. But when I get there on break, off to Dover we go and don’t do anything more than what you’re doing, do you promise me?”
“Okay.”
“Are you crying?” Her voice is gentle.
“No,” I lie.
“Oh, honey,” she says.
“I’m fine,” I say. “It’s fine.”
She sighs. “Okay, I have to go for real. But listen, don’t send him naked pictures. That shit lasts forever.”
“Wait, what?” I say, but her face is already gone.
I stare at my phone, my heart sinking. Before I can stop myself, I’m messaging Gage.
Hey
…
Hey what’s up
I’m just wondering something
What
Those pictures. Can you maybe delete them?
I love those pictures
It would make me feel better if you deleted them Ok, I can do that. Are you mad?
No, I just want you to get rid of them
K
…
Gage
Yeah
Are you going to Fall Festival?
I might make an appearance, sure
I type and retype words until I finally settle on something. Not too forceful, nothing to scare him away.
Maybe we could go together, no pressure, not like a big deal …
That would be a thing, Em
It doesn’t have to be. Just friends.
I don’t know
…
Maybe we could hang out a little while we’re there, he types.
I hold my breath. This is like a baby step, but it’s a step.
K, I type back.
24
MY MOTHER AND JOEY are in the kitchen the next morning when I walk in. I steel myself for what I’m about to say. The baby step I’m about to take. My mother hasn’t been in a great mood lately, and the conversation about the Mill the other night only made her touchier.
“I’m going to go to the Fall Festival,” I announce. “It’s Friday.”
My mother puts her phone down on the island and stares at me. “Excuse me? With whom?”
“Some friends. They asked me. Kids from school.” I keep my voice neutral but firm. Like it’s no big deal.
“What kids?”
“Liza and a boy named Daniel,” I say. I leave out Jeremy, because the Luther aspect might freak her out.
Joey raises his eyebrows. “You and Liza patch it up? That was quick.” He drinks orange juice from the carton until my mother takes it from him with an annoyed look.
“She’s my partner in Drama Club. And we eat lunch together. We’ve kind of been forced together, but it’s not so bad.”
My mother looks at me steadily, sipping her coffee.
I wait to see if her face is going to morph into the Look. If it heads in that direction, I’m in trouble. I hide my hands under the lip of the kitchen island so she can’t see them shaking.
She’s stays quiet.
“I’ve never been to a dance, Mom. This shouldn’t be…hard.”
“Jesus, Mom, just let her go. She never goes anywhere.” Joey shakes his head.
“All right then, Emmy.” She sets her coffee cup on the counter. “You can go with Joe. He doesn’t have to work that night and it will do him good to get out, too.”
Beside me, Joey does a double take. “Uh, did anyone ask me if I wanted to go to some stupid school dance? Which I don’t. And if we all recall, the last time I went to a party with my sister, it didn’t turn out very well.”