“Joey,” I say. “It won’t be like that. It doesn’t have to be.”
“Joe.” My mother’s voice is hard and sad at the same time.
I look at Joey and mouth, Please.
He takes a long breath. “Okay. Okay.”
“Thank you,” I say. “Thank you.”
* * *
—
I look over at Daniel in Watson’s class. Everyone is reading quietly. Mr. Watson is busy at his desk.
“I’m going to the dance,” I whisper. “My brother’s coming with me, so I don’t need a ride.”
“Nice,” Daniel whispers back. “Very cool. Mr. Baseball can’t pick you up?”
“Stop it,” I say. “It’s not like that. You don’t know anything.”
Daniel shrugs. “I probably don’t. But you know what I do know?”
“What?”
He holds up his copy of Charlotte’s Web. “I think the case can be made that this pig has some sort of anxiety disorder due to early piglet abandonment. I might have to add that to my paper.”
I can’t help myself. I laugh.
* * *
—
On Friday night, my mother hands Joey the car keys. “Rules,” she says. “Back by midnight. No drinking, no drugs.”
“I’ll be with him, Mom,” I say. “Don’t worry.”
“Rules,” he answers. “Tattooed on my brain.” He taps his head.
My mother’s eyes look watery.
“I’m so pleased,” she says. “Look at the both of you. So lovely.”
“We need to go,” Joey says, nudging my shoulder. “Before the waterworks start.”
* * *
—
The gymnasium is an explosion of pumpkins and gourds and orange-and-yellow streamers. White and royal blue lights, the Heywood High colors, hanging from the rafters, dangling among the sports championship banners. Some kids are really decked out in dresses and heels, hair pinned prettily up. Most kids are casually dressed. I’m wearing a gray cotton dress over leggings, with a long pink sweater, glittery gray butterfly barrettes I stole from the thrift store on Rose Street in my hair. My stomach feels flippy and excited. I’m looking around for Gage, but I don’t see him yet.
“Well,” I say to Joey. “What now? I’ve never been to one of these.”
“Stay away from the punch. Probably not spiked, but you never know. Just drink water. Find your people, I guess. I’ve only been to one, freshman year, and I was stoned, so I don’t remember much.” He winces. “Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.”
“I’m not sure about that,” I say, pointing but trying not to be too obvious. “Over there.”
Joey’s tutor, Amber, is leaning against a wall, checking her phone. Her hair is up, pretty tendrils hanging down the sides of her face. She’s wearing jeans and a tank with a shrug. She looks around the gym. I can tell Amber is nervous, like me. She’s tapping one foot and keeps blowing tendrils of hair away from her cheeks.
Joey seems frozen, just staring at her.
“Go,” I say. “Talk to her. It’s not like you don’t even know her.”
“Right. But usually we talk about homework. It was built in. I can’t really go over there and talk about math at a dance. Like before, with a girl, I’d be high, and so would she, and so…you know, you just talked shit. I don’t want to mess this up.”
He pulls his hood over his head. His protective mechanism. I reach up and pull it down. If I’m about to do what I think I’m about to do, he can damn well go over there and talk to a girl he already knows is into him.
“Stop hiding,” I say. “Just go.”
He nods and takes a deep breath. “Text me,” he says. “If we get separated, let’s meet back in this spot at nine, just to check in.”
“Okay.”
He squeezes my hand gently before he starts walking toward Amber.
Then I’m alone. The music is loud, vibrating through the soles of my shoes. I pull my sweater a little tighter. I feel exposed all of a sudden.
Maybe my dress is too snug. Maybe this was a bad idea. I don’t see Gage at all. What was I thinking? It’s not like I can dance-dance, anyway, not with my knee. Maybe I can’t do this after all. I start to feel panicky. Look at all these kids. They all seem like they know what to do, how to act, and here’s me, wrapping my sweater tighter around myself and hoping I disappear.
“Hey, you came.” Daniel Wankel appears next me in his ubiquitous sport coat and wool scarf. He grins. “Cool. Now I don’t have to stand by myself. We can stand alone together.”
“I thought Liza and Jeremy were coming with you?” A wave of relief floods through me, just looking at him.
“They did. Over there,” he says, pointing to the snack table. “We took the bus. My car’s dead.”
Liza and Jeremy are delicately picking up tortilla chips one by one, not bothering with plates. Liza did not dress up; she’s still in her overalls.
“Your dress is cool,” Daniel says.
“I feel stupid,” I say. “Do you ever feel that way, like you don’t fit? Or everybody else seems to know exactly what to do all the time?”
Daniel gives me a curious look. “Nobody knows what to do at any time. That’s the great lie of high school, that everyone but you knows how to live.”
“That’s very profound,” I say, teasing him. He’s easy to talk to. Not like with Gage, where I’m always preplanning what I should say to him and then stuttering over the few words I do use with him.
He shrugs. “It’s what my dad says. I’ll be sure and tell him you found his wisdom profound. It’s just one of the many life lessons he teaches me while I mow the lawn and he drinks beer.”
Jeremy and Liza come over to us. In the corner, Amber and Joey are laughing. She pushes some hair away from her face. It makes me feel happy, just then, to see Joey smiling. Maybe tonight will turn out all right for everyone.
“You made it,” Liza says. “And wow, you went all out. Look at you.”
Is she smirking? It’s hard to tell with Liza sometimes.
I wrap my arms tighter around myself.
Jeremy says, “You look nice.”
It looks like he’s brushed his hair and put on a clean T-shirt. He looks softer in this light, less lonely.
“You too,” I say.
Daniel says, “It’s not a dance if there’s not dancing. Does anyone want to dance?” He looks at Liza. “You, Ms. Liza?”
“Well…” Liza draws out the word. “I think I promised the first dance to Jeremy.”
And then, for a split second, Jeremy looks at me, which Liza notices. Hurt flashes across her face. But it’s gone before Jeremy sees it, and Liza grabs his arm. “Let’s go embarrass ourselves. Second one’s yours, Daniel.”
She and Jeremy walk out onto the floor, melt into the sea of bodies.
“That was weird,” Daniel says. “You and Jeremy have a thing, or something? I could have sworn you were smitten with Mr. Baseball.”
I shake my head quickly. “No, Liza likes Jeremy. I don’t know much about relationships, but I know I’m not going to get in her way.”