“Elena, talk to me. Something is clearly wrong.”
She sighs and buries her hand in my hair. “I just… I thought you wouldn’t get the position until after our wedding.”
I stare at her, realization dawning.
She’s right.
She married me to save her mother’s life, but her mother has woken up now, and I… I married her to guarantee I’d get my grandfather’s role. The role I was just given.
She swallows hard and pulls away from me, her arms wrapping around herself. “When you proposed, you said Kennedys don’t ever divorce. But they do now. Your mother has set a new precedent. Not that that would even matter all that much, since no one knows we’re married.”
I tighten my grip on her waist, my heart sinking. “What are you saying, Elena? Are you saying you want a divorce?”
She shakes her head. “No. I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” I repeat slowly.
Elena looks away and sighs. “I don’t know what I want anymore, Alec. I don’t know.”
I pull away from her, my heart uneasy. I take a step away from her, letting her go. “Look, I just need some fresh air,” I tell her, walking away.
Elena grabs my sleeve. “Alec, no. Please don’t go. I’m sorry,” she says, her voice breaking.
I shake my head and brush her off. My head spins as I walk out of the house. I feel sick. The thought of her leaving me tears me apart—but if I were to hold on to her, would I be tearing her apart?
Chapter 56
E lena
“What’s wrong, sweetie?” Mom asks, looking up from her laptop. She’s in bed and I’m lying down next to her, just wanting to be close to her. I hate letting her out of my sight. I’m scared of losing her again. I look up at her and shake my head, struggling to snap out of my thoughts.
“You’ve been acting strange all week. What’s going on? Alec has barely been home either. Are you two fighting?”
I grimace, and Mom squeezes my hand. “Sweetie, you’re worrying me. What’s going on?”
I shake my head and sniff. “It’s nothing, Mom.”
I don’t want to burden her with my relationship issues. I don’t want her to worry about me. I wish I could hide how I’m feeling so she’d never have noticed in the first place.
Alec and I have barely spoken in days. It’s like we just co-exist. Ever since the topic of divorce came up, our relationship deteriorated beyond repair. He’s making me feel like he has no further use for me now that he’s become chairman. The way he’s treating me… it’s what I expected all along. He told me he wanted a wife he could use, someone he wouldn’t have to woo, someone that’d stay out of his way.
I would’ve been able to cope with that if he hadn’t first showed me what he can be like. If he hadn’t given me a glimpse of what it might feel like to be loved by him.
“Mom, do you regret marrying Dad?”
Her smile is bittersweet, and she sighs. “No. I don’t regret marrying your father, Elena. After all, he gave me you. The only thing I regret is staying as long as I did. I should’ve walked out the second I realized he cheated—the second I realized he no longer loved me, if he ever did at all. There’s no shame in loving someone with all your heart, Elena, but that love must be mutual. If you end up giving more of yourself than you get back, you’ll end up a shell of yourself, depleted, like I was. Had I walked out sooner, I might have had a different life. Who knows? I might have actually found true love.”
I stare at her, my thoughts whirling. “Even after everything that happened, you still seem to believe in love.”
Mom nods. “It’s not love that did this to me, honey. It’s the absence of love.”
I blink in surprise, and she smiles.
“Honey, the issue both Sofia and I had was that we loved with all our hearts and never received that same love back. Living like that, loving like that, it’s not sustainable.”
The absence of love… I never thought of it that way. “Wouldn’t it be so much easier not to love at all?”
Mom bursts out laughing and squeezes my hand. “Honey, a life without love isn’t a life worth living. Besides, you don’t get to choose whether or not you love someone. If only. How much easier would life be if we could just make that choice? Love… it doesn’t listen to reason.”
I think over her words. I’ve been trying to fight my feelings, but I ended up falling for Alec against my wishes. I want to be the person he’s asking me to be—a convenient wife, a partner that minds their own business. But I can’t. I can’t not love him.
The way he takes care of me, the way he defends Luce, and the way he’s always protected his mother… He makes it so easy to love him. I never stood a chance.
There isn’t much he asked of me in return for everything he’s given me. Just three things: to be a good daughter-in-law and his trophy wife in public, and to never expect love. He’s given me everything. Without him, my mother might not be lying beside me right now. Yet I can’t help but selfishly want more. I can’t help but dare hope for more.
I’m still thinking about my mother’s words hours later. I glance at the clock as I cook dinner, unsure whether Alec will even join me tonight. Lately he’s been working late in his office, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s because he’s avoiding me.
I look up when I hear one of the doors slam and follow the sound to find Alec walking straight into his home office. He used to at least greet me and ask about my day, even on days that he was incredibly busy. I pause in front of his closed office door and hesitate before pushing it open.
“Alec?”
He looks up in surprise, his expression guarded. “Elena. What are you doing here?”
I blink, unsure how to even reply to that. “I heard you walk in.”
He nods and tugs on his tie. I walk up to him and place my hand over his, helping him loosen his tie. He freezes as though my touch makes him uncomfortable, and I can’t help but frown.
“Alec, what’s going on? You and I have barely spoken. You’re avoiding me.”
He looks at me with raised brows and takes a step away. “I’m not avoiding you, Elena. I’m just busy. Didn’t we agree that you’d stay out of my way? It seems like you’ve gotten too comfortable in this marriage. You and I had an agreement, remember? You’re not to bother me unnecessarily. Looks like the sex has made you think you can overstep the boundaries you agreed to.”
I wrap my arms around myself, trying my hardest to mask how much his words pain me. “You’re pushing me away. Why?”
Alec ignores me and sits down behind his desk. He turns his computer on, silently dismissing me.
“Tell me, Alexander. Why are you behaving like this? Is this because of everything that happened with your mother? Is that why you’re distancing yourself from me?”
He sighs and leans back in his seat, looking up at me, an irritated expression on his face. “Fucking hell, Elena. There’s no reason. What is it you want? Why are you being so fucking needy?”
I stare at him in disbelief and move my hands behind my back in an effort to hide how badly I’m trembling, how badly he’s hurting me.