It works, and she laughs. 揝top,?she whispers, swiping at a tear and lightly punching my shoulder. And the whiplash I gave myself earlier in realizing my feelings梐nd then promptly tucking them away梞akes it too hard to hug her right now, so I just rub circles on her back.
揑抳e never really told you?why I stopped. Why I stopped stand-up for a long time厰 I say.
She looks up at me, her eyes now a fiery gold from the tears.
揌azel抯 mom and I?we weren抰？we weren抰 together or anything, which was fine with both parties. It had been a one-night stand. But she was a little bit older, so when she found out she was pregnant, I guess she debated even telling me at first, worried I抎 have wanted her to have an abortion. I was twenty-five and peaking in stand-up at the time and if I抦 being honest with you, Jones, I probably would have. I would have respected whatever her decision was, of course, but I think if she抎 come to me right away, I抎 have said something extremely fucking stupid, so I抦 really glad she didn抰。
揂s it was, by the time she told me, it was too late. Also, by that time, I抎 already known people in this industry who抎 OD抎 or developed some kind of addiction. If you don抰 stay grounded, you get so addicted to that adrenaline梩o having that feeling that you get up there梩hat a lot of us chase it when we抮e not. So, when I found out about Hazel, I knew it was my sign to stay tethered?that I had some real shit to live for off stage, too.
揃ut then?It was a freak thing. After Hazel was born, her mom, Hallie, had what抯 called an Amniotic Fluid Embolism. It抯 extremely rare, but within twenty-four hours she was gone.?I rush through the rest before I can second guess myself.
揑 felt like?like I couldn抰 find a single fucking bright spot in that situation, obviously. That this person, who wanted nothing from me, but was so excited to be a mom?she brought this perfect, beautiful thing into the world, and she didn抰 even get to enjoy her. Doing it killed her. And I?I know it抯 not logical, Fee, but I felt like I killed her.?I swallow.
揗eyer棑
揘o, let me finish, please. Because you need to know why what you do matters. Because it really does.
揑 swear, I thought I would never laugh again after that. I thought I didn抰 deserve to. And I was drowning, clueless when it came to a baby. My mom came out from Ohio and helped me when she could, but the thoughts that I had, Fee?God.?I feel like I could choke on the shame now, thinking back on it.
揑t had been a rough night梔ay, I don抰 know. At the time, they were all blurring together. But then I turned on some stand-up. And I laughed. And obviously, now I know she couldn抰 hear me, but my laughing face made her smile for the first time.
揝o, I started writing stuff down that would happen. Stuff that honestly fucking sucked, but that I thought I could find funny if it was happening to someone else. Finding baby shit under my nails, tearing a ligament in my ankle tripping on a play mat. I wrote it down, and eventually was able to turn that into a pilot that I sold.
揝o, comedy may have taken me out of my feelings at times, but it helped me make them manageable, too. I made sure whatever I put in front of my face was funny, so I had no other option but to try and laugh. And even when I couldn抰 laugh, making my pain into something that someone else could laugh at somehow made me feel less lonely.?
She looks at me and I look away, having spilled my guts as much as I抦 willing to at the moment.
揗y mom died,?she says. 揥hen I was sixteen. A heart attack. At way too young of an age. And my dad?he didn抰 have any kind of custody agreement or anything. I saw him some years and others I didn抰。 My mom didn抰 even use his child support payments. She put every penny from him into an account for me. The woman struggled to put food on the table, and yet still did everything for me. She never failed to make my life feel like magic,?she smiles as a tear glides down.
揑抦 sure it will come as no surprise that I was a very rambunctious kid. Teachers hated me. I just had a really hard time sitting still, was highly emotional. So, my mom had the idea to put me in ASL lessons. She figured if I had to occupy my hands and pay attention, it was the one thing that would help me focus. She was wrong, by the way, but still厰
揂nyway. I wish you guys could have met her. I wish she could have met Hazel. My mom was just?fearless. Bright. Silly. She played with me as a kid and wept with me as a hormonal teen. I know they say you can抰 be friends with your kids, but she proved that wrong because I would have done anything to make that woman proud of me?
揑 took every penny that she抎 put into that account and gave her an epic service. Bought her the most beautiful casket. And when they were lowering her into the ground and my world was crumbling before me, a bird crapped on it.?
揥hat??I ask, trying not to snort at that abrupt turn.
揂 god-damn bird crapped on my mother抯 casket. And I laughed. The worst moment of my life was made just a little less worse by a splatter of shit.?She starts laughing maniacally and wiping away tears, 揟he priest didn抰 know what to do. He tried to wipe it off on his sleeve and kept apologizing, but I was near pissing myself with laughter because I knew she would have loved it.
揂nd you know what, Meyer? I抳e been living my life that way ever since. Looking for the laugh.?
NOW
揑f you抮e creating anything at all, it抯 really dangerous to care about what people think.?- Kristen Wiig
FARLEY
揑s it going to get you into trouble if I tell the story about the PTA ladies??I ask Meyer from behind my goblin mask. Hazel decided at the last minute this year that she wants to dress up and give trick-or-treating a go, and this Halloween store is down to slim-pickings.
He frowns as he places a sad puppy mask on his own face. 揟hat depends. Which story??
揟he story, Meyer. When they invited me to their night out??
He grunts. 揑 don抰 remember.?
揧es you do. It was like Girls Gone Wild meets the Purge. One woman squirted her breast milk at a bouncer, one ended up with stitches, and that one who always harps on the school lunches ate an impressive $37 worth of Taco Bell at the end of the night.?
揙h, that one.?
Hazel comes over then, sporting a white wig and coke bottle spectacles.
揅an I be an old woman for Halloween? That way, if anyone yells at me and I don抰 respond, they抣l just think I抦 being 憁ethod??She signs. This girl抯 brain never misses.
I look at Meyer, who抯 slid the sad puppy mask off and is smiling that megawatt smile I rarely get to see. 揂bsolutely.?
When she scampers off, I realize I forgot what I was asking?
揜egarding the PTA mom thing,?Meyer says （Oh, that抯 right）， 揹o you plan to paint them in an unflattering light??
揘ot on purpose or anything. I mean, I do think it speaks to the unrelenting pressure that moms are under for them to cut loose that violently, but I personally loved every second of it. I will say, though, that it was made very clear that they only invited me around to try and get the scoop on you.?
揥hat do you mean??he asks, as he puts the puppy mask back on the shelf.
I make a 損sshhh?sound, and he stops and looks my way.
揘o, really? What scoop??
揧ou抳e got to know that they all think you抮e the hot, broody, single Dad, Meyer. One of them asked me if you, Marissa, and I were a throuple.?
揧ou抮e lying.?
揑抦 not. And once they found out that we抮e friends, they each pulled up a list that they抎 compiled of people to potentially fix you up with.?