I drop a fry of my own when I turn back to the screen and see myself, blown up to ungodly proportions, crouched and giving aggressive chimpanzee energy. The video quickly pans to Shauna doing a bit, then Kara with her sound bite, with a voiceover giving ticket sales information, dates, and then a shot with a list of locations.
I turn to find Meyer glancing at me expectantly, clearly suppressing a laugh.
揧ou knew about this?!?
He nods, smiles. I start laughing uncontrollably and move the detritus of my food aside so I can stand and hop up and down. He stands with me.
揌ey! That was you wasn抰 it?!?A woman behind us calls, pointing up to me. I nod through a smile, my eyes watering. It抯 such a quick sequence of moments. A matter of seconds, really?but it confirms that these years of late nights, the neuroses, the doubt, the emotional rollercoaster of both pride and shame?that it抯 all going to be worth it.
Meyer grabs me and wraps me in a hug, pushing my face into his hard chest. I squeeze him harder back, wanting to crush this moment into my soul, to press my gratitude for him into his very bones.
A few people around us snap some photos occasionally, but we end up getting to watch the movie uninterrupted, overall.
It抯 a little over halfway through Grease, after I cackle at Danny抯 dramatic 揙h Sandy, Sandy!?when I notice the goosebumps on Meyer抯 arms. The sheer giddiness from earlier ignites some weightless bravery in me, so when I give him his henley back, I scoot over to him and sit on his lap, peeling up the corner of the quilt to cover us.
揟his okay??I ask over my shoulder.
揧es. Yeah,?he laughs through his nose. 揧ou抮e surprisingly smooth with this,?he says, repeating my line from earlier, his voice tickling my ear from this close.
揑t feels surprisingly good.?
NOW
揟he reason I talk to myself is because I抦 the only one whose answers I accept.?- George Carlin
MEYER
揧ou need some friends your own age. Or therapy.?Lance says tiredly as he massages his temples behind the bar.
揑抳e seen a therapist biweekly for eight years, Lance, and I have friends.?
揟hen why aren抰 you going to them with this Gossip Girl shit? I抦 tired, Meyer. I抦 63. I can抰 pretend to give a shit,?he groans.
揑 thought you being older and wiser might offer some insight here.?Also I don抰 know that I can admit this entire thing to my therapist yet. Dr. Dale would have a field day.
揑抳e been married to the same woman for forty years. And when I liked her, I asked her out. I kissed her on our first date and I snuck a base on each date after. I didn抰 keep that shit a secret for years.?
I think back to almost a week ago now, to mine and Fee抯 first date. Letting myself fall into the comfortable touches was one thing. A form of torture, to be sure, but a good one nonetheless. Like a deep tissue massage via a man built like the Terminator. But the moment the ad came on and I saw her face light up, my heart stuttered to a stop, then shot right back off like a rocket. I had to crush her to me to keep her from seeing my face, swallowing convulsively. I know we both felt the weight of that moment for her.
Then there was the lap sitting. I tucked her back against my chest while I worried I抎 crush the arm of the chair that I gripped with my free hand, willing myself not to slide it along one of her thighs. I wouldn抰 trust myself not to slide the pads of my fingers up and down her soft skin, to skate them in circles up to tease the hem of her dress. The comfort and sheer fucking goodness of having her there only intensified my physical reaction.
I walked her to her door that night, but before she could ask or even hint at asking about kissing, I kissed her god damn hand like some stuffy Victorian psycho, before promptly turning on my heel and practically speed-walking to my car.
Thank fucking God Hazel ended up wanting to trick-or-treat with friends the following night and saved me from having to see her too soon after that.
I groan, letting the embarrassment wash over me again. 揋od, you抮e right. I need to back out of this. I can抰 fucking do it.?My face falls to my palms before I take a drink and grimace. 揓esus, man, what is that??
揜ed Apple Pucker. Straight.?
揑 figured you抎 pour me a whiskey or a scotch like literally any other bartender on the planet would.?
揂 sweet and sour drink for a sweet and sour man,?he says with a dead-eyed expression.
揕ance, we抮e supposed to meet in an hour to go over the pre-tour schedule. I need to figure my shit out.?
Lance sighs, the sound coming out heavy and rattled. 揑 don抰 know Meyer. You know I love Fee, but I don抰 know that I think it抯 good for you to put yourself through this. I get that it抯 good for her and the tour, and Lord knows the kid has fought for this. But as much as I want it to be great for her too, there抯 gotta be an end date, or some kind of limit on the threshold of pain that you can take.?
I nod and accidentally take another swig of the drink. 揝hit. You抮e right.?
I put my heart on the back burner and got through it once before?At least, I got myself to a place where it was more important to prioritize our working relationship and not risk anything further. It抯 obvious that this forced proximity thing is going to flamb?all that for me, but I think I could find a way to get through it again when this is done. I抣l have to find a way to get through it again. 揑 can抰 take her away from Hazel, though. I won抰 do that?but I think桰 think I can do this if I know there抯 an end date. If I know I won抰 be her manager anymore after this, I think I can pull it off.?Like running a marathon. One mile at a time. If you know the finish line is there, you take it in bites, reminding yourself that relief is coming.
Relief, that, poetically in this little symbolic scenario of mine, will also accompany a great deal of pain.
揙nce again, Meyer, I抳e been with the same woman for forty years and I抦 fairly certain that she has slowly incapacitated me to the point that I am completely dependent on her for all of my thoughts and opinions. Therefore, I can only tell you that I guess it抯 better to be a man with a plan than one without.?
揟hanks, Lance.?
Everyone is already seated at a table when I get to the restaurant, a fact that throws me off kilter a bit since I抦 twenty minutes early. Kara, Clay, Shauna, and Fee all laugh heartily at something and that sense of resolve settles in me.
Farley won抰 need me after this. And I know I抣l need to have some modicum of distance, friends or not. The one element of our relationship that can be cut is work. She was already good enough without me, but now she抣l have made a name for herself, big enough to leave no room for doubt.
揌ey!?she calls brightly when she sees me, and hops up to give me a quick hug. When she pulls away she doesn抰 meet my eyes, and I wonder if she抯 shocked herself with how easily she jumped to do that.
揌ey, everyone.?I shake hands and do the greeting rounds around the table.
After the waiter comes over and takes drink orders, Clay wastes no time getting into it.
揝o, first things first. I have the NDAs for everyone to sign, along with additional ones for the two of you,?he nods to Fee and I. 揟ake them to your lawyers and send them back at your leisure.?
I give it a once over and don抰 see anything unexpected, so I nod and set it back in the file and off to the side.
揌ow抯 the new material coming along??Shauna asks as she sips on a drink, raising her brows at Fee.
揋ood. Pretty good, at least. When do you want me to have some stuff ready to test out by??