揧ou抮e sure you don抰 want me to stay even for a bit? I could just catch the later flight. There抯 one more first thing in the morning.?
Years of manners have me speaking on auto reply again. 揘o, really. I don抰 want to keep you from Hazel anymore than I already am. It抯 all good.?There was my chance, and I blew it. Again.
He nods, then turns around and walks through the revolving doors, but stops short when we step into the lobby. I run into him with a little oof, ass to abdomen, before he turns back to me.
揝hould we have a?a check-in conversation? On this??He gestures back and forth between us. 揑抦 not棓 His sigh is so frustrated it blows a lock of hair off my face. 摋I抦 not overstepping, am I? I realize that I told you I抎 be more comfortable if you took the reins on the affection stuff, and then I抳e kind of?Well, maybe I抦 getting too comfortable. You抳e gotta let me know Fee. Please.?
He sounds tortured, and I hate it. I hate that it抯 become so difficult to say exactly what I抦 feeling and what I want, to put thoughts to words. That it抯 seeping into everything, now, even into my work. Despite never sharing my more repressed feelings with him, everything else was so easy before.
揗y厰 I抳e had the chance before to lay it out there, with alcohol as an excuse, and even then I chickened out.
You can抰 keep doing the same things and hoping for different results, though. So, I won抰 let my friend feel this exposed or vulnerable, not when it抯 the last thing he deserves and he抯 all that I want.
I reach out for his hand, push my thumb along his palm and drag it, a place for my eyes to focus. 揗eyer, I桰 like it. I抦？I抦 enjoying this. More than I should, I think. To the point of distraction. I think we just do what comes naturally and what feels good, now, yeah??
I allow myself one more blink, a little pause when my lids close, before I hazard looking up at him again, hoping to see relief. But his face is held tighter, if that抯 possible.
揅an I kiss you again??he asks, and I can抰 help the smile that pulls on my lips.
揧es.?And he does. And I know there are people around with their phones, but I somehow know this is for me and because he wanted to. Could just be lust-based, but I know it抯 not for show this time.
He holds himself with restraint, for which I抦 thankful, because I don抰 trust myself not to do something embarrassing like try to burrow beneath his shirt just to feel his skin on me at this point, lobby or not.
His lips smile against mine and our tongues lightly bump into one another. A little happy sound pops out of me, a throaty chuckle in response from him. It抯 brief, but everything.
When he breaks away, he抯 trying and failing to repress a smile. The Uber honks from outside. 揋o,?I say, smiling back. Because I抦 somehow calmer now, reassured. That edge taken off just enough, even as joy surges through my body, pushing beneath my skin and ready to break free.
揂lright. I抣l call you later.?
揅all me when you land??Okay, that was ridiculous, but he smiles bigger at it.
He trips a little, walking backwards to the doors, but catches himself and laughs. 揙kay.?
17
18 MONTHS AGO
揂 day without sunshine is like, you know, night.?- Steve Martin
MEYER
I love drunk Fee. She抯 even more unhinged than normal. The man that still exists somewhere buried deep within me can抰 help but preen a bit at how her eyes linger a little more when she抯 this way, biting her lip occasionally. I let myself think that the drunk her is into me, only because I know I抣l never do anything about it.
The rest of me rolls my eyes at myself, and is mildly disgusted at that pervert, though.
Being drunk together may have not been a wise choice, I抦 realizing, but numbing my brain felt like the only choice tonight. After I couldn抰 even come through for her, after I embarrassed myself on stage.
I look down at the three-foot-long, neon, plastic drink cup in my hand with the matching swirly straw. The thing blurs in and out of focus as I slurp loudly.
Ah. Bummer. Empty again.
I set it on top of a slot machine and blow a raspberry at it before I wander after Fee. Even in my state, she抯 easy to track with the balloon animal hat bobbing around. My hand flaps around my own head to make sure I still have mine.
Fee gasps, then, pointing to the 24-hour restaurant sign. 揑 require a BURGER. Tallyho!?
I nod my agreement silently and follow behind, throwing glares at the dudes whose eyes peruse her too comfortably, or for too long.
Oh yeah, man. I抦 sure you抮e menacing as fuck in the balloon hat.
Time fades and goes a bit blurry again, but I manage a cognizant moment when I look across the booth at her. She chews a supremely large bite of her burger with a moan, eyes closed, balloon hat askew, cheese and sauce on her chin.
That抯 mine, I think. She抯 mine.
It抯 as if I抳e said it out loud because her eyes shoot open, and she swallows the bite audibly. 揥hat? You can抰 catch me off guard with the eyes like that, My.?
揕ike what??
揟hey抮e like a weapon you wield when you look a certain way. You hit women with that stern gaze and it抯 like you抮e compelling them to take off their clothes.?
I close them, then open them dramatically as far as they抣l go, stretching them until she starts cackling. When it fades, she sets the burger down with intent, pats her mouth primly with a napkin. 揗eyer棓
Raucous cheering and whooping sounds to my left, pulling our attention that way.
揑 CAN扵 BELIEVE WE扲E MARRIED!?the woman shouts.
揌EY EVERYONE! THIS IS MY WIFE RIGHT HERE!?the man declares, puffing his chest out proudly. I make the mistake of catching his eye. 揑抳e loved this woman for a decade, man,?he declares shakily, his eyes unmistakably filling with tears.
揑抳e loved you longer, baby. As long as I can remember,?the woman wails, before they begin making out violently.
揓e-sus.?I wince when they almost topple over. I look back to see Fee wearing a sad expression as she watches them.
She raises a wobbly finger their way. 揟hat抯 what I want,?she says. And it catches me so off guard that I scoff at her.
揧ou want to have some shitty, drunken wedding in Vegas??
揘o. I want someone to love me enough to be completely stupid with me. To do something stupid like get married in Vegas. Or put it on one of those signs carried by a plane in the sky. Sing me a terrible song at a karaoke bar in front of a crowd. I want to be stupid, embarrassing with love.?She swipes an eye and laughs hollowly. 揑抦 sure that sounds dumb to you. To someone who抯 so perfectly balanced and measured and smart, like you are.?She rolls her eyes before she digs the heels of her palms under them and wipes angrily.
Her statement hits me like a sharp elbow to the side, expelling oxygen and the following words?
揧ou抮e the only person I抳e ever been stupid with, Fee,?I say.
Her eyes snap up to me in shock, searching.
The balloon hat jiggles, trembles. Slides further down before she readjusts it.
揥e probably need to get back to my room. Early flight,?she whispers, eyes darting between mine.
I sigh, nodding firmly. You absolute idiot, Meyer. 揙kay. I抣l walk you back.?
We take care of the bill and ride up the elevator in silence, the only noise coming occasionally from the rubber of the balloon against the skin of my palm as I try not to crush the fucking thing.
I walk her to her room, help her with her key after her fifth failed try. It抯 obvious that I freaked her out with my comment.
We get inside and she tosses her hat before I slip into the bathroom, trying to take a moment to come up with the words to fix this. But, when I reemerge, I find her struggling with the strap of her heel, teetering dangerously. 揥oah, hang on there,?I go to her, try to steady her by the shoulders. But my reflexes are off, so when she tries to slap a palm to my shoulder it ends up pushing me, our feet tangling. I feel myself going over, so on instinct I wrap her up and twist so I take the brunt of our weight. We flop onto the bed in a knot of limbs, chest to chest. Every curve of her settled against me. Our eyes meet, wide and confused, as she pants out a quick breath that lands on my lips.