揢h, why??
揃ecause then whenever it pops into your mind, instead of cringing, you抣l remember that noise and you抣l laugh instead. It抯 like electroshock therapy but with laughter.?
God, she抯 cute. 揑 don抰 think that抯 how that works, Fee.?
揑 don抰 want to brag or make this about me, My, but I am an expert on handling embarrassment.?
I snort. 揂lright, then. Here goes?When I went on a date for the first time after Hazel was born, I, uh?cried.?
The responding sound is a combination of a cartoon villain抯 laugh and a trombone, and I tell her as much.
揧ou know, I抳e often thought of myself as, like, the love child of Pee Wee Herman and Jessica Rabbit.?
That makes me choke on my water. 揘ah. Smaller boobs,?I say through a cough.
Laughter tumbles out of her and my grip tightens on the phone, fingertips denting. I抦 anxious for that sound in person again.
揗eyer,?she says softly. 揑抦 sorry that happened.?
揟hat sound or??
揘o, My. The crying. Dating is miserable in general, and you抎 just gone through a lot and I抦 sure it was terrifying getting out there again. Especially with new emotional baggage in tow.?
揑t抯 alright. I think I just got overwhelmed. I was anxious, drank too much and blubbered,?I groan, remembering against my will.
揑 can抰 imagine you blubbering.?She sounds mildly delighted by it, though. 揃ut I抦 sorry. She make up a family emergency and bail, or was she nice? If she was mean I抣l key her car for you.?
揢h厰
A stilted pause before a laugh blasts out of her. 揥ait?She didn抰匘id she sleep with you??
揢m.?
揧ou抳e got to be kidding me.?
揥hat抯 so unfathomable about someone wanting to sleep with me??
She scoffs. 揑t抯 that you cried on a first date and her response was to want to fuck you, Meyer. If I did that it would send any man running.?
I wish I could tell her she抯 wrong. Instead I try for a subject change.
揥hat were the other prompts? Irrational fear??
揧eah. Like, how I shudder at cotton balls, though, not my fear of inadequacy or daddy issues. Not a deep-seated fear, hit me with something light that makes you illogically anxious.?She replies.
揃angs.?
揃angs?As in?Hair??
揝pecifically, long bangs. When they catch on someone抯 eyelashes and they抮e just constantly in someone抯 eyes it fills me with unnatural dread.?
揙kay??Her voice tilts up at the end, trying, and failing, to sound non judgmental.
揑 just don抰 know how that wouldn抰 drive you insane. Having the blunt ends of a hundred hairs stabbing you in the eyeball.?
揥hile I do think that抯 extreme, I suppose I kinda get it.?
揂lso, Hazel cut her own bangs when she was three or four, but they were nowhere near even. She looked like Froggy from Little Rascals. I had to learn to do these little antennae pigtails at the front of her head for like six months. Bangs and I have a complicated history.?
揙h, god, that抯 what抯 happening in those pictures,?she cackles. 揂nd you know what, most women and bangs have a complicated history, too.?
揑 did my best, Fee,?I sigh, before I admit, 揑 feel like this question game is counterproductive and with each answer I抦 revealing something that makes you like me less.?
揘ot possible. And in a way, revealing your minuscule, arguably non-existent faults條et抯 call them quirks, actually?makes me feel like we抮e closer to even footing and makes me like you even more. Which I know you抮e not supposed to admit as a well-adjusted adult trying to emanate good relationship skills?or just general mental stability梑ut I like being transparent with you.?
I laugh through my nose. 揧ou抮e not as unstable as you think. I believe you抮e just more honest than most people are brave enough to be. Especially at your own expense, Fee.?
A wistful sound leaves her. 揑 haven抰？I haven抰 always been.?
揧eah, me either. Jones, I think I should棓
Hazel and my nephew Liam burst in, then. They抮e goosing each other with elbows and excited glances when Hazel sees I抦 on the phone.
揑s that Fee? Can we FaceTime her??
揊ee, Hazel wants to know if we can FaceTime??
揧es! I miss her face!?She hangs up immediately and I nod with a grin to Hazel when the call comes through.
Hazel抯 bouncing on her toes when I set the phone up next to me so Fee can see both kids.
揇o you want to hear a joke??Haze asks, looking back and forth between me and the phone, Liam barely containing a laugh at her side.
揝ure,?I sign, and Fee likely does the same.
Hazel抯 smile drops in a dramatic, practiced kind of way. 揗e too.?
Liam howls. Fee wheezes a laugh that I peek around to see. She抯 got a palm to her forehead, shakes her head merrily before she looks up and our gazes clash. Her teeth sink into her full bottom lip.
揢ncle Meyer. I have one too, I have one too!?Liam interjects.
揧our Mom is getting pretty liberal with the iPad again isn抰 she??
揥hy did God make farts smell??His brow furrows determinedly as he signs it, after.
I know this one, but I play along anyway. 揥hy??
揝o Deaf people can enjoy them too!?he signs back, polishing it off with an actual fart that Hazel follows with a perfectly timed plug of her nose.
Honestly, the laughter that ensues would make you think we just witnessed something revolutionary, rather than the polite chuckle these internet jokes deserve. But all their hysterical expressions manage to drag me into it, too. I抦 holding my ribs by the time I抦 through.
揂lright, Liam. Now that you抳e managed to hot-box my room why don抰 you go see if Nana needs help with dinner.?
揂lright. What抯 hot-boxing??
揂sk your Mom. Also ask her where babies come from, and how the garage door really got that dent in it while you抮e at it.?He throws me a quizzical look before he shuffles away.
揧ou want to talk to Fee for a bit, Haze??I ask.
揧es. You can stay though.?
揟hanks for your permission,?I laugh as she grabs Fee off of the nightstand and slides next to me against the headboard. She props the phone up on the lap desk.
揂re you having fun??Fee asks.
揧es, Aunt Melody let me do her makeup and I baked snickerdoodle cookies with Nana. Watched all the Mighty Ducks movies with Liam and Connor and they taught me some hockey stuff.?
揑s there still a lot of snow there??
揧es. But there抯 a storm coming on Wednesday and Thursday so we抣l get even more!?
Fee抯 brow furrows. 揂ren抰 you supposed to fly back home Wednesday??she asks, looking my way now.
揧es. I抦 sure it抣l be okay.?
揟he bus leaves on Thursday,?she reminds me, concern still tight in her expression.
揑 know. It抣l be okay.?It has to be. I hope it is. Fee抯 first performance is on Friday in Sacramento. 揑抣l get there.?
And then I recall a memory from the day before when, after a long day of ice hockey, baking, snow shoveling, and a home full of people and noise, my dad doggedly promised Hazel to play Yahtzee for the hundredth time after dinner. Despite appearing to be asleep on his feet already.
I抎 warned him, then, because I know how it feels to be desperate for bed, only to be reminded of one of those earlier deals. The guilt of reneging when you can抰 bring yourself to come through.
揑抎 be a little stingier with your promises, Pop.?I抎 said.
揥hat抯 WHAT?!?I hear my sister yelp from downstairs. 揗EYER! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU TELL HIM TO ASK ME?!!?
28
NOW
FARLEY
揝o what can I get you? Do you need an energy drink, a snack, a water? What抯 your typical pre-show routine??Clay asks. And I have the same desolate thought that I抳e been having for the last twelve hours. Since the last of my hope disappeared.