揑抦 sorry I can抰 stop laughing,?I say through the maniacal sound, sucking down a breath through a hiccup.
揂ngel, I hate to break it to you, but you抮e not laughing. You抮e crying.?
He tips my chin up with two fingers and heartbreaking gentleness, cradling the back of my head in his free palm.
Sure enough, I feel the tight wetness around my eyes, already swollen to anaphylactic proportions, I抦 certain. I give in to the urge to sniffle, and a litany of emotions cross his beautiful face: anger, sadness, an attempt at a reassuring lift of his lips that dies out in the same second it starts. And as the last of the adrenaline leaves my system, my teeth begin to chatter.
揂re you cold??He asks.
I shake my head even as I note how hot the latest tear feels on my face. He walks me to the bathroom and wraps me up in a couple towels before he sits me on the toilet and starts the bath.
揚-P-Please don抰 make it t-too hot??
His head turns up to me and he searches my face with a scowl I know isn抰 reserved for me. 揙f course.?
I stick my tender arm out of my towel cocoon and look it over. Not very red anymore, which somehow seems to fit the situation since the burn did more internal damage than anything.
揑 j-just want to w-wash the coffee smell out of my hair,?I whisper. He nods.
And even though this could not be further from the warm and sticky daydream I抳e often had of being fully naked in a hotel room with Meyer, I strip down and climb into the bath with my back to him without much preamble. Maybe it抯 because this was what my Mom always did when I got hurt or had a terrible day. Perhaps it抯 because I want to be taken care of right now and some part of me knows that Meyer wants to care for me and this is a comfort that I don抰 have the strength to fight.
The water is a degree above tepid. Warm enough to slow the shivering, cool enough that it doesn抰 sting the more raw parts of my skin. I keep my back to him as he takes down the shower head and directs its spray to blanket me. And I tell him about the entire night, beginning to end, every high note and low.
I lean my head back when he lathers soap in my hair, fingers stilling against my scalp when I get to the part about the woman.
揑 felt like I had something to prove tonight. I think?I think I wanted to prove that I was okay, that I was good even without you. I went out there and was burning with it. And that entire room was with me, they were all loving it. And instead of enjoying it, I became fixated on one person抯 negativity, Meyer. Why did I let one person get to me that way??
I keep my eyes fixed to the ceiling while he rinses the soap out. I tell him he was right, that I never should抳e told that joke, and a few fresh tears spill down my temples.
He punches the water to off with a fist. 揊ee?It would not have mattered if you didn抰 utter a single bad word or had an entirely G-rated show. People like that will always find a way to be unhappy. All the warnings were there for them to look up. She knew what she was getting into. She had absolutely no right to physically assault you even if you had called her a nasty cunt to her face and told her to light herself on fire. No one. No one has the right to lay a hand on you.?
His tone turns to a growl at the end and I hear him huff out a breath in agitation. I nod once in acknowledgment.
揑抣l grab you something to wear to bed,?he mutters softly.
When I hear him return, I stand up and turn around, stepping into the towel he has up and waiting. I feel his gaze on my face like a brand, but can only bring mine to his throat, just as I see it stall on a swallow.
揑抣l give you a minute,?he says before he leaves. I look down at the shirt he抯 handed me. One of his. Impossibly soft and large. A dog in a Hawaiian print shirt on the front of it. I put it to my face and inhale as best I can through my stuffy nose. I don抰 think I抣l ever return it.
When I emerge he lifts his head from his hands. He抯 sitting on the foot of the bed, hunched over with elbows planted on his thighs. I can trace the exhaustion in every line of his posture.
揗y. I抦 sorry, I抦 sure you抮e tired. You棓 I swallow 摋you can s-stay. Or you can go to your room if you don抰 think you抣l be able to sleep.?
Something flickers across his face while his eyes stay transfixed near the hem of the shirt against my thighs. Something desperate.
揊ee. It makes me sick that I wasn抰 there. I抦 so sorry.?
揗eyer, don抰。 It抯 fine. It was?shocking. It sucked. I抦 not trying to downplay it. But it did not kill me. It didn抰 even seriously injure me. I just棑 I cross my arms and tuck my hands against my sides. 摋I just need to keep it in perspective. Take a day or two. We have a few days before the next show anyway.?I smile weakly at him. 揗aybe this will be the thing to finally help me kick the caffeine addiction.?
He groans. 揇on抰， Fee. Please don抰 fucking reduce this shit to a joke right now.?
揟his is what I do, Meyer. It抯 quite literally what I do. And I should be able to do it for myself sometimes if it抯 what I can give other people, too. I was attacked. I抦 not fucking stupid, I know what it was. I also know that I struck first using my own weapon and I don抰 know what the fuck is going on in that woman抯 life. I know that I purposefully worded things all for that shock-value laugh, and I knew it was a risk. I took it even further by pointing her out. I handed every ounce of my power over to one person, tonight, instead of doing my thing.?I blow out a breath. 揑t does not make it okay. But I抦 standing here just fine. And I抣l dismantle this whole thing as much as I want until I reduce it to some story that I can make into a bit or use at parties. If I want to.?
He looks at me then, and stands. 揥hat aren抰 you telling me??
I scoff. 揥hat do you mean??
揑 mean I can tell that you are shaken up but I don抰 think it抯 just to do with the coffee if you抮e already joking about it. I know you, Fee. Was there something else? Did she threaten you??
I turn away from him. 揟ell me, Fee. Please.?
I sigh, but don抰 turn back around. 揝he said that the one thing I got right was that the idea of me ever being anyone抯 mother was terrifying.?I choke out, throat burning.
I feel him approaching me, so I continue in a rush. 揗aybe she has a kid at home with some behavioral stuff and I struck a nerve. I don抰 know.?
揂nd with someone else, your joke might have been the thing to help them realize that they need to check in on their kid. Maybe that little shit抯 parent will take the teacher comments seriously and stop thinking the sun shine抯 out of their ass. Or at minimum, take a closer look just in case. It抯 a good bit, Fee. The only reason I didn抰 want you to do it was because I assume the worst of people and didn抰 want anyone complaining to the school. And sure, calling a kid a cunt is bound to upset someone. Not everyone has the same superior sense of humor.?
He tries to make the last part sound light, but I still feel defensive.
揑 changed it so it was referencing when I used to work as an aide.?I say, turning around and looking up at him, now.
揙h.?He blinks. 揥ell. That was smart.?
I nod, meekly.
揂t the end of the day, Fee, you抮e telling jokes. It抯 in the job description. No one knows what抯 true or not. No one knows that you抮e giving them?you, when you抮e up there. Sure, sometimes you put on a caricature of yourself, but you get what I抦 saying, right? Don抰 let them have you all the way.?
I nod again. 揑 know. I won抰？I won抰 tell it again, either. I don抰 need to.?
He inhales, his chest rising. 揑f you don抰 want to, then don抰。 If you do, then fuck them. It抯 a good bit about how kids can bring out the best along with the worst in us. Do what feels true to you, though, don抰 let me or anyone else persuade you otherwise.?