揙kay,?I whisper.
揑抦 sorry that happened, Fee.?
I shrug. 揗e too.?
揇o you want to rest??
揧es.?
揇o you want me to go??
揘o. Please stay,?I respond, probably too firmly.
He nods silently, and I move past him to crawl into bed.
I watch him as he takes himself apart, then, piece by piece. First, with his shirt. I can抰 help but smile at how he carefully folds it and slips it into a bag I assume is for dirty laundry. So precise, and measured. So much forethought. I certainly didn抰 think to pack a separate bag for my dirty things even though I抣l need to do laundry occasionally over the next couple weeks. My travel clothes are still strewn over the nearest chair from when I changed earlier.
His shoulders are miles wide, the well-defined valley of his spine between them. Shadows play on the dips and swells, and I chew my lip wondering how many pens he might be able to store between those two blades. The sound of his belt slipping through the loops zips through me, my breath hitching. He turns and smirks when he catches my eye.
揓onesy, I抦 gonna need you to stop looking at me that way.?
揥hat way??
He ignores my feigned ignorance. 揃ecause this isn抰 a night that calls for a distraction. I don抰 want?I don抰 want us overshadowed by the other events of the night.?
揙kay,?I whisper, hoping the pout isn抰 obvious. But, he抯 right. I抦 depleted. I抦 sad. And ashamed, and angry, and confused. I don抰 want to be?this version of myself with him. Not in that way, tonight. I just want to find my rest with him tonight.
But then he slides his jeans off, folds them just as deliberately as his shirt before slipping them into the bag, and stands to his full height.
My gulp echoes in my ears.
He抯 a God underneath those unassuming layers. Absolute honed perfection. And the juxtaposition of the tiny, self-conscious tug he gives to the right side of his briefs somehow makes him that much more to me.
Mine, mine, mine, I think.
I don抰 know how I ever thought I could stand him being anything less. He抯 awash in the cool gray-green of the night shining through the window; marble-like if not for the twitch of his hands at his sides, and the roll of his jaw when my eyes make their way back up to his.
I slam my eyes shut when he makes his first stride my way, not trusting myself to not stare at more inappropriate places, effectively ruining any thoughts of rest I could hope to have, now or in the foreseeable future.
I feel him slide under the covers, his warmth caressing the backs of my thighs and making me grit my teeth against the urge to scoot closer.
揅an I hold you??he asks, and I nod, my face making a swish, swish against the pillow.
He wraps me up against him from head to toe, my back to his front.
God is not a woman, I think. At least not a sympathetic one, tonight. Because the feel of his warm, hard body against mine is almost enough to make me forget my better judgment.
He smoothes some of my hair down before tucking my head under his chin.
揑 wanted you in my arms when I said this to you so you couldn抰 turn away from it, Fee,?he whispers gruffly, his hold on me tightening. 揃ut, you will make an amazing, incredible mother one day.?I choke on an instantly thick inhale. 揧ou might not always have to deal with some of the less fun parts of it, but you抳e already played a mothering role in Hazel抯 life from the moment you slammed through the doors at Lance抯。 You protect her, even when you抮e pushing her. You care. You teach. You抮e generous with your time and you抮e a fierce advocate for her in everything. No matter what happens with you and I, ever, I want you to know, again, that you抳e earned your place in her life. I think?I think her mother would have been ok with me telling you that.?
揟hank you,?I say through a sob, relief flooding through me at his words. I didn抰 realize how much I needed them. I close my eyes, a final few tears spilling through my lashes before sleep takes me.
29
NOW
MEYER
I抳e technically spent the night with Fee numerous times. There抯 always been a hallway, a guest bathroom, or a floor or two between us, though.
So, when I wake up at five with morning wood and a dead arm, I react to the sight and scent of her by panic-flailing my body out of the bed with all the grace of a reanimated corpse. I have no idea how it doesn抰 rouse her, but it抯 a testament to how tired she is that she manages to stay asleep through the shuffling.
I take care of my business and change into gym clothes before I look back at her one last time, still sleeping soundly. I clock the steady rise and fall of her chest, body curled tightly into itself. So quiet and delicate and unnervingly different from herself. It does nothing to quell the rage still floating through my system.
She rolls and the shirt rides up in the same movement that pushes the duvet down, revealing the slope of her bare hip. I smother a groan.
I scrape a palm across my jaw before I leave, closing the door as quietly as I can before I stomp my way to the elevator. I slap the button as I抦 hitting call on Clay抯 name.
揗eyer??he answers groggily.
揗eet me at the lobby Starbucks in ten.?I hang up, too agitated for niceties.
He has the good sense not to look annoyed when he strolls through the elevator doors. He looks like he抯 been expecting it.
He holds up a placating hand my way. 揗eyer棑
揘o. Clay, there抯 no fucking excuse. You said you were up for being the sole acting tour manager for the real thing and on night one?night one?of the pre-tour you didn抰 make sure security was arranged??
揑 didn抰 think we needed security arranged for stage exit in a club that size. Obviously, for bigger venues that will not be the case.?
揧ou fucking thought wrong, didn抰 you??
揂pparently, yes. I suppose I did.?He flops into the chair adjacent to mine. I level him with a glare.
揌ow was she? Before that, I mean? Did she have fun??
He shrugs with a frown. 揊rom what I could tell, she was having a fucking blast. She was reveling in it, man. She did seem off before the show, so I just gave her space, like you said. She accidentally called me 慏ad??
揥hat??
揃efore she went on stage. She got this real determined look and said to me 慖抣l kick ass, Dad? That was a bit off.?
I start to chuckle. My God, that woman will never cease to amaze me. Delight me. Drive me insane.
I look up to his confused expression. 揇on抰 worry about it. It was an inside joke.?
He sighs with a lift of his brow. 揕ook, Meyer. You know I respect you. And last night was a freak thing. It will not happen again. But I hope you can relax on some of the helicoptering. I actually have more management experience棑
揕et me stop you right there, Clay. You might have more management specific experience. But I have years on you when it comes to this business. On multiple sides of it. I know what it means to put yourself out there for public consumption and how that makes people think they抮e entitled to consume every bit of you. I also know how to be more protective of myself and the people I love.?
揑s that why you agreed to put yourself back out there, too? All so you can stay protective??Clay asks, knowingly.
I snort. 揑t抯 part of it, yeah. I抦 sure it抯 obvious that that抯 not the only reason.?
He sighs. 揅an I ask you, then, why were you so against it when I first suggested it?God, what was it, seven or eight months ago now? When I brought it up at the Funnybones party. And then again when Kara wanted to do the tour? You still acted irritated.?