揑抳e been thinking lately that . . . maybe I抦 not meant to have another relationship.?
I think about how, at this point in my life, I just want to be me and enjoy fun times and shared interests and fantastic sex with a woman who抯 comfortable being her.
A relationship that抯 simple, beautiful, easy, good.
It doesn抰 sound like a tall order. But after two years of setups and hookups, and stupid fucking swipe left apps梚t抯 starting to feel like the unicorn at the end of a rainbow who shits gold coins. A myth.
I shrug and continue, 揗aybe some of us only get one chance at bat.?
Tikki clicks her tongue. 揙h, baby, that抯 just not true. Love is like a river; it keeps flowing and moving your whole life. You just haven抰 found the right stream to run off with yet, but she抯 out there.?
Tikki抯 been married nine times. And divorced ten. While she obviously has experience in relationships, I don抰 know if she抯 the best person to take advice from on relationships that last.
Stewart the mattress salesman, who at the last meeting shared that he was dating someone new, nudges me with his elbow.
揅areful, man梩alk like that抯 almost a dare. Then when you least expect it, love smacks you over the head and makes you its bitch.?
揊rom your lips to God抯 ear, Stew,?Delilah says.
揟here抯 actually something to that,?Dr. Laura says. 揝ometimes it抯 referred to as the not-looking-for-love phenomenon. It applies not just to relationships but efforts to get pregnant, sports performances. Essentially, it states that by attempting to find love or conceive or hit a baseball, we put too much pressure on ourselves, which keeps at bay the things we want most. But if we let go, release the pressure, if we stop swinging so hard for the ball and just have fun . . . those things we want end up coming to us.?
揝o you抮e saying I should go with the 慖抦 destined to be alone until I die?line of thought??I ask.
Dr. Laura holds out her hands, shrugging.
揑t can抰 hurt.?
CHAPTER FIVE
Violet
Raising my brother and sisters while going to nursing school wasn抰 easy梠r cheap. Life is expensive. When you don抰 have a lot of pennies coming in, every one counts.
One day, when I was walking my sister home from school, we passed a yard sale with an almost-new-looking sewing machine and a how-to booklet for five bucks. I scooped it up, thinking I could save some cash mending the kids?clothes or buying oversized clothes that I could take in, then let back out, so they抎 last longer.
But the sewing machine also turned into an unexpected money maker. Once word got around that I had sewing skills, I was tailoring clothes, making custom curtains and Halloween costumes for the neighbors.
I remember sitting beside my mom on one of those endless, rough nights as the steady hum of the sewing machine seemed to soothe her. Not lulling her to sleep梚n the end, she was never able to sink into a full sleep梑ut the sound settled her into a quiet calm that I was grateful for.
Sewing is also I how I found one of my friend groups in Lakeside: Lainey Burrows抯 sewing circle.
Lainey Burrows is a social media influencer with a blog called Life With Lainey. The whole reason she moved to Lakeside was to renovate and redecorate a lake house for Facebook. That抯 how she met her fianc? Dean Walker梬ho was her teenage son抯 math teacher at Lakeside High School.
Dean and Lainey are getting married in two weeks in their backyard, beside their lake. She抯 doing all the decorating and planning herself and showing her followers how she抯 doing it without breaking the bank. The sewing circle sewed the little pink and silver roses on all the table linens.
Lainey put together all the festivities for her bachelorette party too, here at the local bar, Chubby抯。
揌ey, Vi!?Effie, one of the nurses from Labor and Delivery, pushes through the crowd, greeting me with a hug and a shout above the music. 揌ow are you doing??
Effie抯 about my age and in the sewing circle too. She was one of Lainey抯 nurses when she gave birth to her and Dean抯 daughter, Ava, last year. It was a natural delivery桮od bless Lainey抯 little masochistic heart.
揑抦 good. This place looks amazing!?
Silver ribbons hang down from rose-colored balloons that cover the ceiling, and a huge Congratulations, Lainey banner is draped above the shaded windows. The movie Father of the Bride plays with subtitles from all four of the big-screen corner televisions and 揑t抯 Raining Men?pours from the speakers梕ven though there aren抰 actually any men, raining or otherwise. Lainey and Dean agreed to separate stripper-free parties. Outside, four chauffeur-driven, white stretch limos wait to drive the soon-to-be-plastered guests home.
揋url, you haven抰 seen the half of it! Lainey went all out! Come on, I抣l show you.?
After doing a lap of the large room, I can tell Effie told no lies. It抯 the ultimate girls?night extravaganza.
There抯 a neck masseuse in one corner and two manicurists doing mani-pedis in cushioned, throne-like chairs in the other. There抯 a straight-out-of-Candy-Land candy table, and trays of cupcakes and vegetable platters within reaching distance no matter where you抮e standing. The cupcakes are white with pink wrappers, and pink chocolate penises stick up from them like birthday candles. The carrots, cucumbers, and zucchinis on the vegetable platters have been carved into bite-sized penises too. There抯 Never Have I Ever bingo cards with homemade fruity-scented body scrubs for prizes, a Truth or Dare champagne fountain, and a Wheel of Fortune-Teller shot glass table near the back door.
Two hours later I抦 convinced Lainey should quit Influencing and become an event planner梥he抎 conquer the industry in her very first year.
When Effie and a few of the other girls head off to the bathroom, I walk up to the shot glass table. Small glasses filled with every color of the rainbow pack the table in front of a tall, elegant woman in a black dress and jade scarf. Long, sparkling emeralds dangle from her ears. Behind her is a big wheel條ike one of the games on the boardwalk梥ectioned off by large words: MONEY, HEALTH, LOVE, ADVENTURE.
揥ould you like to spin the wheel of fortune??she asks with a red-lipped smile.
揝ure, why not??
She gives the wheel a turn and it spins dizzyingly fast before ticking down to a standstill.
Landing dead center on LOVE.
And like his penis before him, one handsome face pops directly into my brain.
The woman claps her hands. 揕ove! Glorious love.?She plucks a shot glass from the table. 揇rink this, then say the name of your dearest love, loud and strong, and you will have a lifetime of joy and happiness.?
I don抰 put any stock in this hokey, mumbo-jumbo, mystical stuff梑ut it抯 a party. Where else can you let go, have fun, and let yourself believe in the patently unbelievable?
I peer into the cloudy-liquid-filled shot glass.
揥hat is it??
For my twenty-first birthday some college friends bought me almost an entire bottle worth of tequila shots. I was sick for days and haven抰 been able to touch the stuff since.
The North remembers梐nd so does my stomach.
The lady shields her mouth with her hand and says, 揤odka with a dash of lemon.?
Vodka works.
I lift the glass, then down the contents. After the liquid scorches a path of fire down my throat, I close my eyes and declare in a loud, clear, fearless voice, 揅onnor.?
Mere moments after the two syllables slip past my lips, a wind-chime pleasant voice pipes up from behind my shoulder.
揅onnor who??
A voice I realize with growing Michael Myers in the background level horror belongs to Callie Daniels. The woman married to Connor抯 brother, Garrett. They both teach at the high school. They抮e like the prom king and queen of the whole town.