I sprinted from the bed, getting to the toilet just in time to empty whatever had been inside.
I stopped puking after six times; the last four were only bile.
It was later, when I was curled up by the toilet with a blanket over me that I started going over the call with a clearer head and this was the first time I thought the doctors got it right, or one of them did. A new diagnosis was probably correct. She’d escalated.
She was harder.
I stayed in on Saturday. Sometimes I sought people out or parties, but it was different on Saturday. I couldn’t explain it. I just wanted silence. My own space.
Peace.
I turned my phone off all day, and I studied for that quiz.
Went out for groceries later in the morning, as soon as my stomach felt steadier.
That night, I studied more and ended the night with a movie. I was in bed when I glanced over, considered turning my phone on.
I left it and rolled over.
I turned it on for Sunday. Notification after notification began rolling through.
Miles wanted to go to the library.
Gavin wanted me to head over for another party.
A few girls from class, asking if the quiz was truth or rumor?
Zeke thanked me for calling Blaise to get him out of ‘the joint.’
Then a few last ones that made me pause.
From Tasmin, who lived across from me in the dorms.
Taz: Party at the hockey house. Want to come with us?
“Us” would be at least her and her boyfriend, Race.
Tasmin and I weren’t texters. We didn’t invite each other places. I frowned. Why would she start now?
Then there were a couple texts from my dad.
Dad: I was told that she called you. Are you okay?
Dad: Want to talk about it?
I skipped over his and pulled up the last one. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to my dad, but he was too close to her. I always felt like she took entire chunks of skin off my body, leaving me exposed. I needed time away from her, and that meant him too right now.
The last text was from Cruz.
Cruz: Getting back tonight. Want me to ‘get back’ tonight? ;） That one made me smile.
Me: Your joke didn’t land. Sorry to break it to you.
Cruz: Too early for texting. Come crawl in bed with me. Going back to sleep unless you wake me up.
I wanted to go, so bad, and that terrified me because it wasn’t good to want to be around someone as much as I did right now.
But, it was hard to fight against that offer. I wanted it, really, really badly.
This.
This was why we shouldn’t have done the texting because it made me like him a little bit more. No. Not even that. It made me feel safe with him. A little bit safer.
That was dangerous to someone like me.
Never feel safe. When you did, that’s when the world would get pulled out from under you.
That’s when you would fall.
I could never get comfortable. I could never feel safe.
I surrounded myself with people I didn’t fully like… Or I kept them at bay, the ones that were already in.
I messed up, but fuck it, because if he texted right now, I’d respond. If he called, I’d answer.
I was staring at my phone, knowing what I wanted to do and what I probably would do, but this was a last-ditch effort to distract me from doing it.
I hit call.
She answered after the third ring, and her voice was drowsy which made sense. It was a little after nine and that was like five in the morning for college people.
“Mara?”
I called Tasmin.
“Why did you text me that last night?”
“What?” She yawned. “What time is it?”
“Early enough for church if you’re the God-fearing type.”
She laughed before catching herself. “I’m so confused. This is Mara Daniels calling me?”
“Why’d you text me that last night? Inviting me to the hockey house?”
“Oh.” She yawned again.
I heard a male voice in the background, saying something.
She replied, sounding from a distance, “No, baby. Go back to sleep.”
Baby.
That was a nice ‘connecting’ term. I was jealous, hearing it.
“Why did I invite you to the hockey house? They had a party to celebrate their win yesterday. I actually thought you’d be there. Were you?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
“That was it? No other reason?”
“Um, no? I mean, no. Wait. Are you talking about Blaise–”
“I know you’re aware about my mom.”
She got quiet, real quiet, after I said that.
She did. She knew or she would’ve been like, ‘Your mom? What about your mom?”
A few seconds later, she said, “Your mom? What about your mom?”
I laughed, shaking my head. “You took too long for your response. I know you know.”
“I got a call about it, but I didn’t know if I should believe it. I actually didn’t until just now.” She asked, quiet, “Are you oka–”
“Do not ever invite me to another party.”
She drew in a sharp breath.
My eyes were stinging but I added, “Do not text me. Do not say hi to me. You see me on campus, and you don’t. You don’t see me. Got that? Do not pity me.”
She didn’t respond.
“Do you hear me?”
“Yeah, but Mara–”
I hung up, wishing I didn’t give a shit about what I did. That was a lie. Everything was a lie. Tasmin was being nice and not pitying me, but that same part of me knew she did pity me. A little bit, whether she’d ever admit it or not. I remembered her mom. Paid attention even though she didn’t go to the same school as me, but I still watched. I observed.
Tasmin had the family I never had, would never have.
Fuck, but also fuck.
I could go see Cruz.
I didn’t understand it. I didn’t want to understand it, but I just knew I could go now.
I couldn’t have gone before.
13
MARA
My hair was tucked under a baseball cap with a little spillage. Oversized sweatshirt. Leggings. Sneakers. I was hella comfortable and I knew in no way incognito, but the cap was pulled low, and I was sneaking past the cars in their driveway. I went up, and around, going to the little ledge by his main window. I knelt. His curtain was still pulled shut, but I reached for the window and found it unlocked.
I slid it open, moved aside the curtain, and surveyed his room.
The window was directly above his little couch. His bed was to the left, right in front of the door. He was still sleeping, on his side and under his blanket. I moved quietly, stepping down onto his couch and slid the window back in place.
His door wasn’t locked. I went over, locked it, and watched him for a second.
He looked so relaxed, I was second guessing if I wanted to wake him.
But no. I had to remind myself we were only fuck buddies, so I took my sweatshirt off, undid my bra, and toed off my shoes. Going to his bed, I lifted the sheet up and slid inside.
“Wha–oh!” Cruz came awake, rearing up. Realizing who I was, he relaxed. His head went back to his pillow, and he drowsily grinned at me. His whole face was soft from sleep. As I finished moving in, laying on my back and still on the edge, his hand went to my stomach, moving under my tank top. “I didn’t think you’d come over.”