She crosses her arms, glaring at me. “Your mom is an alcoholic, Jay. And from the looks of things yesterday, I think Stan might be one, too. How can you possibly think getting drunk right now is a good idea? Plus, you got that thing from Dave. There’s no way he’s not up to something.”
Now it’s my turn to be annoyed. “I’m not a little kid, Alyssa. I don’t need you to take care of me.”
“Someone has to.”
I shake my head, turning my back on her. “Just leave me alone, okay?”
“Justin, come on, what are you doing?”
I wave one hand over my head, not bothering to turn back to her as I walk away. “Having fun. That’s what you wanted, right?”
Chapter Eighteen
LISA
Lisa spotted Charlene at the edge of the driveway, flattening out one of the colorful signs they’d made the day before that had somehow gotten folded in half. Her heart gave an excited flutter at the sight of Charlene in her pink skirt and bright jacket, her golden hair pinned up on one side of her head and cascading down the other in curls that sparkled in the glow of the fire.
“What happened here?” Lisa asked, crouching down next to her.
“Stupidity,” Charlene said with a sigh. She wore a roll of duct tape around one wrist like a bracelet; she tore off a length to attach the sign to a new stake. The old one lay in pieces beside them, half in the ground, half broken off in the grass. “Dumb game that involved half the basketball team and a lot of jumping and, of course, some idiot falling on a sign he could’ve easily just walked around.”
“Wow, sounds like I missed a lot,” Lisa said, helping Charlene push the stake back into the earth. They both leaned back to survey their work. The sign was obviously a little worse for wear, but at least it was legible.
“Yeah,” Charlene said, brushing a stray curl out of her eyes. “Where were you? I thought you were supposed to get here earlier.”
“I did, actually,” Lisa said. “But we stayed in the truck for a little bit. Shawn needed to talk.”
Something flickered behind Charlene’s eyes. “About what?”
Lisa winced internally, knowing Charlene wasn’t going to like the answer. “It’s . . . private. I’m sorry,” she hurried to say. “It’s just that it’s his business, not mine, you know?”
“But you’re the one he talks to about it,” Charlene said.
“Yes, but only because he doesn’t have anyone else.”
“Really?” Charlene raised her eyebrows and stood, taking a few steps into the driveway. She craned her neck, searching the crowd around the fire, until she found what she was looking for and pointed. “That guy doesn’t have anyone else to talk to?”
Lisa followed Charlene’s finger with her eyes. Shawn stood in the middle of a crowd of their classmates, laughing with his head thrown back as admirers pressed ever closer to him, like moths to a flame. “That’s different,” Lisa said quietly.
“How?”
“They don’t know him like I do,” she tried to explain. “He needs me.”
Charlene nodded slowly, biting her lip, and Lisa realized what she must be thinking. “Not like you, though,” she rushed to say. “And, of course, after the election—”
“Will things really change after the election, Lisa?” Charlene asked. “If he needs you now, won’t he need you then, too?”
“I-I don’t—That’s not—” Lisa stammered, trying to come up with the right thing to say. In her head, the election was such a clear gateway. She’d step through, and everything would be different on the other side. But when she tried to explain why she felt that way, the words danced just out of her reach, fizzling to dust the instant she touched them.
Charlene took a deep breath, her shoulders trembling slightly. She hugged her arms to her chest, her green eyes watery. “Be honest. Do you love him? Is that why you won’t break up with him?”
Lisa opened and closed her mouth, unable to form the words she knew Charlene wanted to hear. The truth was, she did love him. Not in the way he loved her, but she cared about him. She was one of few people who knew him for who he truly was, who kept the secrets no one else knew. She couldn’t abandon him, not now. Not when he had trusted her with so much.
Would it help for her to admit that out loud, or just make everything worse? She couldn’t decide.
The silence between them stretched out excruciatingly.
Charlene closed her eyes for a few seconds, then opened them, giving Lisa a tight smile. “That wasn’t fair. I shouldn’t have asked that. I’m sorry.”
She chewed her lip, and Lisa could tell there was more she wasn’t saying. She had hoped that after last night, after what they’d said to each other, everything was okay now. That Charlene wouldn’t feel threatened by Shawn, that Lisa wouldn’t feel torn between them, and that things could just go on as they had been. Better, even, because she’d said it. Out loud. The L-word. Or, not the L-word, but they both knew what it meant.
She’d never been able to say it to Shawn. Not any version of the L-word. Shouldn’t that count for something? Didn’t Charlene know what a big deal that was?
Lisa waited for Charlene to say what they both knew she was thinking, while desperately hoping she wouldn’t.
“The thing is,” Charlene said slowly, “I know it’s hard for you. But it’s hard for me, too. I thought I would be able to handle it, but . . . I don’t know if I can anymore.”
She shifted so her back was to the fire, blocking Lisa’s view of Shawn, and his of her. Charlene took Lisa’s hand in hers, winding their fingers together. “I don’t want to lose you,” she said, looking down at their hands. “But I also know I can’t keep doing . . . whatever this is.”
She waved her free hand at the air between them, indicating that by this, she meant the messy, undefined something that bound them together. “I think I just need some space.”
Lisa’s heart raced. She clutched Charlene’s hand, as if she were a kite Lisa could keep from slipping away just by gripping tighter. “For how long?”
Charlene sighed and looked up at the night sky, blinking rapidly. “I don’t know. I need to figure out some stuff on my own, I think. I’ve been trying to be strong, because I thought you needed me to be strong, but the truth is, I don’t think I am. And I can’t keep pretending that this is all fine with me when it’s not.”
“But—” Lisa’s heart beat frantically, threatening to shatter, and break her chest, all at once. “But you’re saying that if I do break up with him—”
“Not if anything, Lees. This isn’t an ultimatum. You do what you need to do, and I’ll do what I need to do, and we’ll see where that takes us.”
“But last night . . . we said—Char, I—”
“Lettuce you,” Charlene whispered with tears in her eyes, dropping Lisa’s hand.
Lisa felt her body turning to stone. She stood rooted in place, staring at Charlene. Had that really just happened?
Footsteps approached, and Shawn appeared over Charlene’s shoulder, a wide smile lighting up his face. “There you are!” he exclaimed. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” He reached for Lisa’s hand, but she moved away, crossing her arms. The thought of him touching her now, while her heart was breaking, was more than she could bear.