“Rose,” Noah said gently, “I know you love to believe the best about people, and that’s an amazing thing about you, but isn’t it more likely that he’s just . . . really confused?”
Rose shook her head. “I know how it sounds,” she said. “But I just . . . I know this is real. I can’t explain why. I know it sounds impossible. And if someone else told me, I probably wouldn’t believe it either. But this is me, Noah. And I’m telling you, this is real.”
Noah sat for a moment, searching her face, then blew out a slow breath. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“If you believe it, I believe it.”
“Really?” Relief flooded through her, and she realized she’d been braced for more doubt, more insistence that she didn’t know what she was talking about. She’d been so ready for rejection, she hadn’t truly considered acceptance. “Just like that?”
Noah smiled, his dark eyes warm and open. “I’ve always been able to trust you, Rose,” he said softly. “I don’t know why that would change now.”
Tears of gratitude welled in her eyes as Rose reached across the seat and took his hand, something she’d wanted to do for months but had never been able to work up the nerve. Yet now, it had taken no courage at all. It was as natural as breathing. “Thank you,” she whispered. She felt lighter, like she was floating. She hadn’t realized how much this secret had been weighing her down. “I was so afraid you wouldn’t believe me.”
Noah squeezed her hand. “It’s us, Rosie,” he said. “I’ll always be on your side.”
She smiled, her lips quivering, and took a shaky breath. “That’s good,” she said, “because I need your help. Justin is convinced that there’s nothing we can do, but I think he’s wrong.”
Part of her hated bringing their conversation back to Justin when she wanted nothing more than to just sit here, basking in the knowledge that she and Noah were a team, and always had been, even if she’d forgotten for a while. But she couldn’t afford to do that. Not yet.
Noah sighed, staring at their interlocked hands. He was quiet, the only sounds in the car their soft breathing. Rose remembered how awkward she’d felt the first time she’d grabbed Justin’s hand. How aware she was of where she ended, and he began. But somehow, with Noah, that didn’t matter. Their hands were the point where they touched, but they’d always been connected. Why had she made it so complicated?
“Karl Derrin started Gran’s fire?” Noah said finally.
Rose nodded. “He told Justin the whole thing. It was a freak accident. All those rags . . .”
“Yeah.” He shook his head, letting out a slight chuckle. “So I guess it was kind of us after all.”
“No, that’s not what I—”
“It’s okay. I’m okay,” Noah said, squeezing her hand and giving her a small smile. “Gran will be glad to know what happened. Even if she’ll never tell the insurance company. Or anyone else, for that matter.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” There was no way Mrs. Hanley would ever turn in a child, even if it was an accident.
Noah took a deep breath and blew it out in a slow, steady stream. “So this other fire is going to happen tomorrow night?”
“Right before the debate. Yeah.”
“But you still don’t know who will start it.”
She shook her head. “McMillain is still our only suspect, and if he was fired today, he’s got the motive, but . . . I don’t know, he just doesn’t feel like the guy to me. And Justin said Stan was always sure it wasn’t him. But if it’s not him, and it’s not Robbie, then I have no idea who it could be.” She looked into Noah’s eyes, searching for truth. “You really believe all of this?”
He held her gaze, his brown eyes unwavering. “I believe in you,” he said softly. “And I believe in us. If you ask me to help you, I’ll always help.”
Warm tears rolled down Rose’s cheeks. “I believe in us, too,” she said, her voice thick.
A smile tugged at the corners of Noah’s mouth. He shifted his hand in hers, weaving their fingers together. “You know I love you, right?”
She smiled through her tears and nodded. “I know. I love you, too.”
It wasn’t the declaration she’d been agonizing over for months. Maybe this was how it would always be between them, or maybe one day, they would be something different to each other. She didn’t know how the rest of their story would unfold, but just then, it didn’t matter. That they loved each other wasn’t a secret spilling out, or a scandal getting ready to ignite.
It was simply the unchanging truth they’d both always known, finally spoken out loud.
SATURDAY
Chapter Fifty-Nine
JUSTIN
I wake up while it’s still dark, feeling like I’m going to vomit.
Saturday. October 5. 1985.
The day of the fire.
I roll over and bury my face in my pillow, trying to convince my body to go back to sleep, but it’s no use. My knee throbs beneath the bandages, a constant reminder that I was always doomed to fail. Even the idea that I was dead or in a coma, and might someday just peacefully blip out of existence, has been taken away from me.
I’m going to be stuck here. Alone. For the rest of my miserable life.
And there was never anything I could do about it. It was stupid to think there was.
I toss and turn for a while, until the world outside the window begins to lighten with the hazy glow of dawn. Then I finally give up and get dressed, creeping downstairs as quietly as I can.
The house is quiet. Mrs. Hanley must still be asleep.
For the first time, I realize with a jolt that I’m going to have to figure out a place to live after this. And get a job. And some sort of ID. Staying with Mrs. Hanley was only supposed to be temporary, until I went back.
But I’m not going back. And I can’t stay here forever.
The weight of all the years I have ahead of me comes crashing down all over again. A week ago, when I was waking up on Alyssa’s couch, avoiding Stan, and dreading the bonfire, I thought I had no future. But that was nothing compared to this suffocating certainty that I’m going to spend the rest of my life alone and anonymous, destined only to hate myself.
I pass the kitchen window, averting my eyes from the house next door, which I thought held the solution to my problems just twenty-four hours ago. Robbie is definitely a monster, but chasing him won’t do me any good. May as well leave him for the next monster hunter.
I slip out the back door, moving as silently as I can. I don’t want to see Mrs. Hanley this morning, or eat the giant breakfast she’s sure to insist on making. My stomach feels like it’s filled with rocks.
The sun has almost finished rising when I step outside. It’s a cool, crisp morning, with dew sparkling on the tips of the grass. My mom loves mornings like this.
The rocks in my stomach seem to double in size, and a few of them threaten to explode. God. My mom. Today is the day she loses her parents. The police report says she was in her car seat facing the school, all alone until the emergency vehicles started to arrive. I picture her sitting by herself, her little, round face washed orange in the glow of flames as she watches her parents burn.