Eventually he releases me, but he takes my face between his cold palms, and that smile he’s wearing fades. “Babe, what’s wrong?”
“I’m just emotional. Today is big. Thank you for coming to pick me up.”
He must see something in my expression, because instead of dipping down to kiss me, he presses his lips to my temple. “I’m here for you, whatever you need, however you need me.”
The drive from the center to Chicago is only about half an hour. We talk about Pearl Lake, and he points to a card on the dash that’s been signed by at least a hundred people. He tells me about his last visit with Jamie, and how he thinks he might be convincing Lydia to move out toward Pearl Lake, and how his dad has been actively looking for his own place on the lake.
“He came down last weekend and stayed at my mom’s.”
“Really? How did that go?”
“My mom was blushing like a teenager every time he so much as glanced at her, so that was awkward as hell, but good, you know? They both deserve to be happy. Kinda makes me wish I’d had that discussion with her a long time ago. Maybe things would have been different if I hadn’t sat on it as long as I did.”
“Hindsight is always twenty-twenty, isn’t it?”
“Seems that way.”
When we reach the outskirts of Chicago, I suggest we stop for a bite to eat. I want more time with Aaron before we get to my dad’s place. And I need to talk to him about what the next few months are going to look like for us.
We stop at a diner and take a seat in one of the booths. After we order, Aaron places his hand on the table palm up, and I slip my hand into his.
“You know, when you come to Pearl Lake next week, you’re more than welcome to stay at my place.” His thumb smooths back and forth along my knuckles.
My stomach flips. I don’t want to say no, but I have to. “About that.” I don’t know if I can do this without getting emotional.
“Is everything okay? Are we okay?” Aaron’s gaze shifts to the side, and he swallows thickly.
“We’re okay.” I give his hand a squeeze.
“Your expression says something a lot different,” he says softly.
“I didn’t want to have this conversation over the phone,” I tell him.
His jaw works, and he pulls his hand back, sliding it under the table. “This sounds like the beginning of a breakup speech.”
“It’s not,” I whisper.
“You look like you’re gonna cry, Teagan.”
“That’s because I am.” I fish around in my purse for a tissue.
“Should we leave?” Aaron’s face reads panic.
I shake my head. “One of the steps in recovery is learning not to be dependent on other people. And I know it’s not like a typical addiction, but it still hits all the same notes, you know? My therapist said I shouldn’t be in a relationship right now, and she’s right.”
“So you are breaking up with me, then.” His voice is hoarse and low, and when I glance up at him, his expression nearly shatters my resolve. He looks almost as heartbroken as I feel. Which is how I know what I’m about to say next is the right thing.
“More like hitting the pause button. Again.” I blow out a breath. “I don’t ever want to go down the path I was on again. I don’t want to do that to myself, or you, or us. And for there to be an us, I need more time to work on this.” I motion to myself. “You deserve a better version of me.”
“I’ll love every version of you.”
I smile, but it’s weighed down with sadness. “You’ve been through a lot, Aaron. And so have I. I think we can be great together, but I’m not where I need to be for that to work. And it’s going to be a while before I’m there, maybe longer than you’re willing to wait.”
“How long we talking? Weeks? Months? Years?” He twists a napkin until it tears, then folds his hands on the table.
“Hopefully not years, but it could be a year. It could be less, but I can’t set a deadline, because I honestly don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to get where I need to be emotionally and mentally. I need to learn how to say no and how to stand on my own before I can be someone’s girlfriend.”
“What does that mean for us?”
“It means we can be friends, and if you’re still interested in trying to be more than that when I’m in the right place, then we can try to be an us again. I’m not asking for promises, though, Aaron. I know that’s not reasonable, and a lot can change between now and then, especially when we don’t know how far away then is.”
He rubs his bottom lip. “I don’t think I’m going out on a limb if I assume that this is a friends-without-benefits situation.”
I chuckle, glad for the moment of levity. “You would be correct.”
“I guess I should have kissed you when I had the chance, then, huh?” He blows out a breath and gives his head a shake, glancing up at me from under his lashes. “I know you’re not asking for promises, but I’ll take friends until you’re ready for more. However long that takes.”
CHAPTER 30
NEW BEGINNINGS AGAIN
Teagan
Over the months that follow, I settle into a new routine.
Living with my dad this time around is different. In a lot of ways, it feels like he’s stepping into his dad shoes in the way I need him to. And I’m learning to accept the help and let the roles reverse, allowing myself to be taken care of instead of being the one to take care of everyone else except myself. At first I worry about the impact I’m going to have on his relationship with Danielle, but the more I get to know her, the more I come to see that she’s a great partner for him, and while I don’t need someone to fill the mom-shaped hole in my heart, she’s become someone I feel comfortable with.
I learn how to say no when it feels like I’m putting too much on my plate. It’s hard at first, but the more I do it, the easier it gets. I learn what I can handle and when it’s too much.
And that’s not isolated to my jobs but is also true for the people in my life. I let my dad step in and help mediate my relationship with Bradley, who has also been surprisingly supportive, giving me hope that with time, our family can repair the fractured bonds and be whole again. While Van isn’t ready to talk to Bradley and he isn’t sure when, or if, he ever will be, he’s supportive of my role in our brother’s life, which is a relief.
With a heavy heart, I quit all my jobs in Pearl Lake, and I work for the Stitches on a contract basis. I only work on a few projects at a time. And I’m in charge of organizing and running the farmers’ market in Pearl Lake, which sounds like a lot, but since it’s winter and the market won’t start up again until May, I have lots of time to get everything organized, especially since we’re holding it twice a month now.
And it allows me to focus on what’s important, which is learning how to avoid overwhelming myself by taking on too much. I go to therapy on a weekly basis.
I do most of my work for the Stitches remotely, but once a week, barring bad weather, I make the trip out to Pearl Lake. I don’t stay the night most of the time, though. Sometimes I meet Van or Aaron for lunch; other times I have dinner with Dillion and the girls. It’s nice. But I always go back home after that.