It’s a Wednesday afternoon in April, and I’m answering emails regarding the first farmers’ market of the season. When my alarm goes off at three, I finish up my email and close my laptop. Typically I have set hours that I work, but I have therapy on Wednesday afternoon.
Aside from Wednesdays, and with the exception of any emergencies, of which there are very few, I work from eight until six, Monday to Friday. The weekends are reserved for me and my family. It’s not always easy, and there are times when I struggle, or wake up in the middle of the night and fight with myself not to get up and jump on the computer. But I’m in a much better place than I was six months ago, and that’s what’s important.
Little gains and small steps forward are what I strive for.
I make the drive to see my therapist. Most of my sessions are over video chat, since she’s outside Chicago, but once a month I head to her home office and we discuss my medication, how I’m sleeping, and how I’m coping.
Her office is cozy, and there’s already a cup of chamomile tea waiting for me.
“How are things? The farmers’ market starts up next month, doesn’t it? Are you feeling any stress over that?” Edith asks.
“Over the market? Not really. I have lots of help from some of the women in Pearl Lake. Some of them have experience running events, so they’ve been a great support.” I’ve gotten a lot better at delegating. And Stevie and Queenie, two of the hockey wives, have this way about them that makes me feel like nothing I ask is ever too much for them.
“That’s wonderful. And what about the Stitches? How many contracts do you have?”
“One is wrapping up, and I have two new ones,” I tell her. “It’s the busy time of the year there, so I know the next few months are probably going to be a bit more demanding, but we’ve agreed that I won’t take on more than three projects at a time. And that it’s okay if things take longer design-wise, because they’re willing to wait until off-season to finish up projects.”
Edith smiles. “That’s great news. Now tell me what is stressing you out.”
I sip my tea and give her an arched brow. “I can’t slip anything past you, can I?”
“I wouldn’t be doing my job very well if you could.”
“I’ve been making a point of only going to Pearl Lake for the day, but I’ll have to start doing overnights soon.”
“What about that worries you? Are you reconsidering whether you want to move back there?”
“No, I’m not reconsidering.” That’s the one thing I’m sure of. That I want to live in Pearl Lake. Allie and Tawny have become my friends. My brother is there, and Dillion has asked me to be one of her bridesmaids in the fall when they get married. And of course, there’s Aaron.
I set my tea on the table and pull the stone out of my pocket, running my thumb over the smooth surface. Aaron gave it to me the first time I saw him after we talked about putting our relationship on pause. It’s a pink stone in the shape of a heart. He said it reminded him of me, and I’ve taken to carrying it with me everywhere. “Aaron.”
When I don’t say anything else, she raises a single eyebrow. “What about Aaron worries you? Has he been putting pressure on you one way or the other?”
She knows about our relationship and his history. She also knows how hard it’s been for me to toe the friendship line. Aaron and I have chemistry. It’s been a challenge to ignore it. “No, none. He’s honestly been great.”
“So is it Aaron you’re worried about or you?” she asks.
I flip the stone between my fingers. “I guess it’s me,” I sigh.
“What about you and Aaron worries you?”
“If I’m in Pearl Lake overnight, I’m going to want to spend it with Aaron.”
“Are you ready to spend a night with Aaron?”
“My body is ready. It’s been seven months.”
Edith chuckles and shakes her head. “Fair. Can you handle the emotional ramifications of a night with Aaron? And do you feel like you’re capable of stepping back into a relationship with him that is no longer just platonic?”
I scrub a hand over my face. “I want to be.”
“Is wanting to be enough?”
I sigh. “I don’t know.”
“I think the more important question here is this: Does avoiding staying in Pearl Lake make it impossible for you to figure out if you are or aren’t ready for the next step?” She takes a sip of her tea and waits for me to digest that.
“Maybe?”
“Let’s unpack that a little more.”
“If I don’t stay in Pearl Lake, I can’t end up back at Aaron’s, and we can’t be alone together.”
“But you would like to be alone with Aaron.”
I throw my hands in the air. “Of course I would. I haven’t had more than a hug from him in months. But if I’m alone with him, I’m worried that I’m going to want to hug him while I’m naked, and I’m worried that he’s going to tell me he doesn’t want to hug me when I’m naked. Or worse, that he’s going to tell me that we should just be friends.”
“Is that fear logical?”
“Probably not, since he’s always poking me in the stomach with his man-dangle if I hug him too long,” I mutter.
That gets another chuckle out of her. “Okay. So here’s my next question for you, Teagan. Why is there no in-between?”
“What do you mean, no in-between?”
“Relationships progress. You go on a date; maybe on the first one there’s a good-night kiss. There’s a second date; maybe that kiss turns into something else, but does it have to be all or nothing? You are doing very well, Teagan. You’ve made great gains over the past six months. You’ve put yourself first and made your own goals and needs a priority.”
“I don’t want to mess this up with him.”
“I understand that, but all relationships are a risk. That you’re here, talking about your fears and wants, tells us both something, don’t you think?”
“It’s not about jumping in with both feet.”
“That’s right. It’s not all or nothing. Dip a toe in. Have the discussion with him. Tell him where you are and what you want.”
“But not that I want to naked hug him.”
“I wouldn’t lead with that, since your relationship with him is about more than sex. The first step is staying in Pearl Lake overnight at your brother’s. You’ve established a solid friendship. He’s a great source of support for you, and you’ve been the same for him. If you think you’re ready, try going on a date. Allow yourself new boundaries.”
“So we should start dating?” I flip the pink stone heart between my fingers.
“If you feel ready, then yes.”
I exhale my worries. “I feel ready.”
On Saturday morning I wake up bright and early and head to Pearl Lake. It was hard not to tell Aaron I’m staying overnight, especially when he seemed resigned to the fact that all he was going to get this weekend was a couple of hours at dinner with Dillion and Van, and maybe a walk by the water, before I drove back to Chicago.