* * *
I eat my pasta in my room, but keep replaying Jo’s words, and feel lonely in a way that hollows out my chest and stomach.
I log in to church online and load the latest message. I realize I haven’t been since Dad died. I’m sure God understands I’m on annual leave from everything.
It begins to play, but I can’t give it my full attention, so I tidy my room at the same time. They play a song with a catchy refrain, and I’m humming along as I rearrange my bookshelf. The pastor welcomes everyone to church, those in the building and those of us watching at home. I know it’s a recording and no one can see me, but I still move out of the camera’s sight.
I zone out, catching words and scriptures, but something snaps me back to attention right before the group prayer starts.
He says, “We want to encourage you all to pray right now, those of you here today and those of you watching at home. If there is anyone out there suffering from loss, financial insecurity, anxiety, illness, trouble with employment, family and/or friends, we want to pray for and with you, right now.”
This is a staple of the Sunday service; it’s an ending as guaranteed as death. I have heard these words on so many Sundays I could recite them if I wanted to, but today they feel new and tailored. I’ve never been one of those people in a crowd of hundreds who believe someone on a stage is talking directly to them, but today I feel maybe that his words are meant for me.
He sounds so sincere when he looks directly into the camera and says, “We just want to pray for you.”
I could exit the browser; I could just shut my laptop, but instead I listen, captivated, as he prays to God on our behalf. We are His children and there is nothing God wouldn’t do for us. We are loved and we are blessed.
I cry, not because I agree, but because it hurts that I don’t. Because I wish that I did. Instead, I wake up every day and I smile when I need to and talk when I have to, but I am in constant pain, and I have been for too long.
One song closes and another is sung. We’re encouraged to go to God not only for our material requests but for all things. I recall my prayers over the years; I remember that I have not asked for a car or money I didn’t earn. In varying degrees of desperation, I have asked to be fixed.
I wipe my nose and tell the empty space around me that all I want is to be less sad.
* * *
After the service, my phone buzzes with a reminder: Carrow Writers deadline. It’s the writing opportunity I found in the library.
I click on to the website and, sure enough, the deadline is midnight. I look through my WIP folder, and without opening the document, select the nine-hundred-and-something-word passage I wrote about leaving Dad. I submit it without rereading. It’s a terrible submission; I can’t imagine the number of spelling mistakes it has or if it’s even coherent, but at least I’ve done something with it.
I close my laptop, get into bed and lie there wide awake until midnight.
Google: Why can’t I sleep?
Insomnia—Help guide
Depression is one of the most common causes of insomnia and difficulty sleeping can cause symptoms to worsen. Other common emotional and psychological causes include anger, grief, bipolar disorder, and trauma.
Google: What to do when you can’t sleep
7 reasons why you’re not sleeping—Mogg Health
Beat stress and feel more relaxed
What should I do if I can’t sleep—forum
Why can’t you sleep—here’s the answer
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Sleep disorders and problems: 10 types and causes
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Join our dating app today
It’s past midnight, and Jo’s bedroom is still open. A cork is popped. Laughing. Bottle neck clinking against glass.
Profile name: Maddie Wright
Age: 25
Area: Wandsworth, South West London
University: Birkbeck University
Occupation: Editorial Assistant
I identify as a:
Woman ?
Man
Not Listed （please specify）
Are you looking for:
Women
Men ?
Everyone
Bio:
What to say about myself …
I turn over and stare at the ceiling.
Google: Dating app bio examples female Kim, 28
When Harry Met Sally is my favorite movie and I once drove from London to Brighton with an ex-boyfriend and a chicken.
Delal, 32
I just want a guy who says “bless you” after I sneeze.
Mira, 25
“She’s all right. I like her”—my best friend Sarah
“Flosses regularly and never needs fillings”—Dr Reid, my dentist “Not as crazy as she looks”—my ex Jeremy （the last words he ever said to me before he mysteriously disappeared） Okay, so keeping it short, funny, and inoffensive seems to be the trick.
Bio: I love food, I read for fun and I did not spend an hour attempting to draft this bio Is that last bit charming or sad? I imagine it will depend on who’s reading it.
“I’d chuckle,” I say quietly, “but then again, you’re a little weird, Maddie.”
The bio doesn’t sound exactly like me, but I think that might not be the worst thing.
Add profile picture
I scroll through my gallery. I don’t like taking pictures of myself; what I look like in the mirror and what I look like through a camera somehow seem to be two different people, so there aren’t many images to choose from. There’s one of me from two years ago; I have twisted braids in my hair, but other than that, nothing else has changed. I think I still have that top somewhere …
Upload another?
Instead, I click next and I’m suddenly presented with a man’s image, a tick and cross under him. Decidedly savage, yet undeniably time-efficient.
Will they know if I press the cross? No, surely not.
I scroll and scroll, tick and cross, trying not to judge on appearance （but obviously judging on appearance at least somewhat）， and mollifying my moral compass with my firm, personal belief that anyone can be handsome, really. Remember Ben?
A message from Alex comes through mid-scroll. I scream and throw my phone across the room. I somehow failed to take into consideration the social aspect of this early-morning, pity-fueled venture.
“Maddie?”
Of course the exact moment my phone hits the wall is when Cam uses the bathroom.
“I’m fine! Just a spider, but it’s gone now!”
She closes the bathroom door. I wait until she’s back downstairs before picking up my phone and not making eye contact with it until I’m back in bed.
Alex
Hi. You work in publishing? My sister’s writing a book—can you publish her? Lol
Maddie
Ha! No, that’s a common misconception; she’d need a literary agent first and sadly I don’t have acquisition power.
Alex
There’s something attractive about a person who knows how to correctly use a semicolon. I guess that comes with the job.
I smile and tap into his profile. Alex is white, brown-haired and -eyed with a slight dip in his chin. He’s easily attractive, like many men are—you could even overlook him.
Alex, 27
Bio: I recently read The Imaginary People and it floored me. I work as a Senior Sales Executive for a tech company but my passion is photography. Born in Michigan but raised in London. I’m bisexual so try not to stereotype.