She’s good at incorporating people into her photos. Can I pull off that pale pink nail color?
* * *
I whittle my top eight down to three and send those to Kris, cc’ing in Penny. By three in the afternoon, I have no other responses to my “et al.” email and close my laptop.
Jo’s sent a group message to say she’s got a date and will be back late. I immediately wonder if it’s with Sam, and then decide she’d have said if it was. I shouldn’t care if it is, but I do.
It’s still warm, so I stay outside with a bottle of cider and respond to more app notifications. I hope there’s one from Alex.
Nate
Have you dated a white man before?
Maddie
Yes, I have
Nate
Bet he’s not like me
Maddie
That would be in your best interest
Nate
Sounds like you’re still mad at your ex. I’m out
Maddie
You were never in!
___
Zack
You look so innocent but I bet you’re not. I bet you only date good boys that’s why you’re still single.
Maddie
Then what’s your excuse?
Zack
Who said I was single?
Maddie
Bleugh.
Zack
Lol
___
David
Can you twerk
Maddie
Can you waltz?
Nothing from Alex. Fine, I’ll message first; twenty-first century, feminism and everything. I take a gulp of cider for courage before I remember that this brand is nonalcoholic.
I open our chat to realize the reason he hasn’t messaged back is because it was my turn to, so I ask him what his weekend looks like.
Alex
I’m over at my mum’s in Richmond on Sunday; it’s my sister’s baby shower so the family is slowly descending upon her poor house
Maddie
Oh that’s nice. Is she having a boy or girl? Nice use of a semicolon, by the way.
Alex
I put it in there for you.;）
See what I did there?
Yeah it should be good. I’ve guessed girl, but we’ll find out the sex on Sunday.
The fam have made a real game of it now. Bets were just for fun at first, winners get bragging rights, that kind of thing, but now there’s a pool going and I’m ?20 in so far!
Typical.
Are you and your family close?
Maddie
…
I take another gulp of nonalcoholic cider.
Maddie
Very. I moved out a couple months ago （quite late, I know!） but keep going back. I don’t usually beat my brother to it though. He’s three years older than me but he and I are really close too.
Alex
That’s good to hear. Your parents are still together? Isn’t it weird that that’s a rarity these days?
Maddie
Yes, they’re still together. Happily married, last time I checked! We’re just your average family, really. Talk on the phone, Sunday lunches at home, my brother brings his laundry over, walks in the park, etc. Boring, I know.
Alex
Sounds ideal actually. Normalcy used to be considered boring and now it’s incredibly underrated. My parents divorced years ago and now have their own partners. They’re cool but I’m closer to my mum. Family are everything aren’t they.
Maddie
…
They really are.
___
Horny-za
You local?
Maddie
I’m not a free-range chicken
Horny-za
I just want to f*ck your big as* with my big di*k.
Maddie
I’d rather you didn’t
___
Alex
Would you like to have coffee （umbrella term to also include tea and other beverages） with me, tomorrow if you’re free?
A date? Something outside this app? Something … real? I don’t know why I didn’t consider this being an outcome.
I shouldn’t be dating right now. But I like talking to Alex. I forget that I’m sad. I like who I’ve chosen to be with him, my mythical family dynamic and all.
Maddie
Yes, I would.
Chapter Twenty-nine
Alex is bisexual.
Now that he’s asked me on a date, it’s another thing I have to think about. The first is that he is another white man. Now I know I shouldn’t tar every white man with the same Ben-shaped brush, but what did Nia say? If I want to save myself any more pain （and it’s been a pretty busy time in the heartbreak department this year）， I can’t date just any white man. Alex has read Imaginary People, which I know is a nonfiction book about Britain’s tendency to erase the contributions of non-white people throughout history and into the modern day. Does that mean he’s an anti-racist? It’s not exactly a book you read for laughs. I guess I won’t know without more information.
Circling back to the fact that he’s bisexual. What does it really mean? He finds men attractive too, so could both of us find the same man attractive? Does that matter? If he were straight, he’d still find other women attractive, so what’s the difference?
The difference is, it’s hard enough competing with just women, now I’ve got to compete with men, too. What if he wants manlike qualities, like testosterone-fueled strength? What if he likes specific sexual-related things that I can’t perform properly because I don’t have a penis?
Google: What’s it like dating someone bisexual?
I click onto a chat room and the starting question is: Should I go official with a bisexual man or am I asking for trouble?
LucyS: As long as he’s monogamous why does it matter if he’s bi? Let’s be real. We’re all a little bi.
ReginaP: My honest opinion is that he’s on the road to gay so your a beard hun.
JennyFlen: Go for it! I’m dating someone who identifies as pansexual and it’s been great. I used to think does he really want me or is he waiting until he finds the right man blah blah blah but I wish I hadn’t wasted all that time. He’s my soulmate. People are going to talk but just follow your heart.
TinaDewer: I agree with every1 here because I’ve had mixed experiences. It helped 2 talk 2 some1 who is bisexual.
I pick up my phone and call Shu.
“Shu, why are you a lesbian and not bisexual?”
“Hello, Maddie,” she says. “How are you? I’m fine, thanks. It’s a lovely day outside.”
I might be in my garden again, but Shu must be close to an active road because I can hear streams of pedestrian traffic, snippets of different conversations and the beeping horns of impatient drivers.
“Sorry, Shu. You’re right,” I say. “Let me start again. How are you, and do you miss men at all?”
She laughs. “You’re fucking weird, but there’s usually a reason for it, so let’s make this quick. No, I don’t miss men—they’re still fucking everywhere. I’m a lesbian because women are more sexually attractive.”
“Do you find me attractive?”
“No.”
I frown. “Don’t you want to take a minute to think about it?”
“No need. You’re not my type.”
“Because you don’t think I’m pretty? I knew it.”
“Because you start a phone call by asking why people are lesbians,” she counters. “Where is this coming from?”
“Just curious.”
“Look, I’m a lesbian because women are better, okay?” she says. “We’re incredible but we’re the only ones willing to admit it. I honestly think people should give me money and presents because I’m able to bleed for five days every month, from my vagina, and— What are you looking at?”