“And in the instance that you don’t, what’s the time limit?” he asks.
I smile, I know I’ve nearly got him. “Five years.”
“No, I am not wasting five years trying for a baby. One.”
“One.” I gasp. “One year isn’t long enough to give up trying for a baby, four.”
He shakes his head. “No. Two.”
I smile hopefully. “Three.”
He gives me the best come-fuck-me look of all time. “That’s a lot of head you have to give.”
I giggle. “It is.” I run my hand up his thigh and feel his thick quad muscle. “What do you think?”
He exhales heavily. “I think you could talk me into anything, that’s what I think.”
I smile hopefully. “So can we try?”
His eyes hold mine. “Babe…”
“I’m not going to suffer, I’ll be okay, El. I promise you, and if it gets too much we stop. I’m not a fool.”
“I know how stubborn you are.”
“Can we at least try, it’s going to be fun practicing either way?”
He twists his lips as he tries to hold in his smile. “On the condition that you give you me your word. Three years from this date.”
“Easy.” I smile goofily. “We could have three children in three years from this date.”
He winces as he imagines three crying babies and I laugh out loud, I take his hands in mine. “Let’s go home and fuck.”
He winks. “This I can do.”
“No anal.”
“What?” He frowns.
“We’re trying for a baby, anal is off the table for a while.”
“Not helping the cause, Kate,” he mutters dryly. “Aren’t you supposed to be talking me into this not out of it?”
I stand and pick up my bag. “I already did that, let’s go home.”
Six months later.
Elliot, as serious as all hell, sits at the kitchen table and reads the instructions again.
He holds the needle in his hand as he prepares to give me my first injection. He’s been practicing on oranges all week.
Today is the first day of IVF for us.
“Hurry up about it, just jab it in and get it over with.”
“You are not a cow, Kate; I’m not just jabbing it in.” He frowns as he concentrates on what he’s reading.
I take off my T-shirt and present my stomach to him. “Put it in here.” I point to a patch of skin.
He twists his lips as he looks over my stomach and then gets up and grabs an ice tray from the freezer.
“What’s that for?”
“I don’t want to bruise you.”
“Since when have you cared about bruising me, have you seen your finger marks on my hips?”
He smirks. “That was your husband who did that, he’s a fucking animal. I’m your doctor.”
“Ahh, but I like to fuck my doctor like an animal too.”
“Stop being a pain-in-the-ass patient or I’m going to throw this needle in like a dart.”
I giggle and he puts the needle in position and I turn my head. “Just do it.”
I feel the sting as it slides through my skin and I hold my breath as I feel the liquid go in.
“Done.”
I exhale in relief, Elliot pulls me down onto his lap and we kiss, his lips linger over mine.
We are full of hope and even more in love than ever.
“Here we go, my hot doctor.” I smile against his lips.
His arms tighten around me. “Here we go, my fuckable patient.”
The phone rings and we hold our breath…
It’s been the best month; the hormone injections have turned me into Godzilla but Elliot has been his patient and loving self. Everything is falling into place and I have a good feeling about this. Elliot answers the phone and puts it on speaker.
“Hello, it’s Rosemary from the clinic.”
“Hi, Rosemary.”
“The blood tests are back.”
I close my eyes. Please, please, please.
“Unfortunately in this instance the test is negative.”
My heart sinks.
“Thanks for calling,” Elliot replies before hanging up.
Elliot kisses my temple, “Next month, babe.”
I smile sadly, I really thought it was this month. “Yep.”
“Do you want a coffee?” he asks as he stands.
“Yes please.”
He walks off into the kitchen and I stare at the phone and exhale heavily, I can’t help but be disappointed.
It’s fine. It’s just one month…so what? We go again next month.
It’s fine.
Six months later.
“Give me the phone and you go outside.” Elliot smirks.
I pass him the phone as it rings.
I can’t even be in the room for the phone calls anymore; it stresses me out too much and I nearly have a heart attack.
This is the month.
Six rounds of IVF and six disappointments. This one is lucky because it’s number seven, our lucky number.
I go outside and go for a walk down to the bottom paddock and visit Humphrey, our ram. He broke one of his horns attacking the fence post so we’ve been keeping a close eye on him. That will teach him not to be a psychopath.
Gretel is pregnant again; seems Billy just has to look her way and she’s up the duff.
If only.
I linger outside with my heart in my throat, I keep looking up to the house expecting to see Elliot come out to find me, because I know if he has good news he will.
But he’s not coming…and I know the results would be out by now.
I sit down on a rock and stare out over the farm. My chest is tight with a sense of dread, this is the one thing we cannot control.
And it’s fucking hard.
Infertility doesn’t discriminate, no matter how in love you are, how much of a great parent you’d make, what you earn or where you live.
It hits you like a truck, steals your heart and makes you feel like a failure.
I want a baby so badly that it hurts.
What if we never get one?
My eyes well with tears and I stare into space, eventually Elliot sits down on the rock beside me.
He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t have to.
We both sit on our rock in silence, together but alone, lost in our own world of regret.
Mourning another failed attempt but grateful that we have each other.
This sucks.
Elliot
Jameson puts his head around the door, “You want to grab some lunch.”
I exhale heavily, “I can’t, I’ve got to do something.”
“Such as?” He walks in, his interest piqued.
I open the top draw to my desk and hold up the specimen jar, “I’ve got to blow into this fucking cup.”
Jameson chuckles, “Sounds romantic.”
“Trust me, it’s not.” I roll my eyes, “I’m sick of this shit.”
“Do you want me to bring up some cocky boys for you on your computer?”
I fake a smile, “Gay porn is not going to get the job done.”
“Then I’m afraid I can’t help you.”
“You can’t.” I hear Kate say from the door, “But I can.”
“Hi Jay,” Kate smiles as she walks in, she’s wearing a trench coat and I have a sneaking suspicion that she has nothing on underneath it.