Startled, because what the fuck, I staggered sideways, knocking up against a row of wheelie bins and dropping my phone in the process.
“What the hell, lad?” I growled, pissed off and agitated, as I hunched down to retrieve my phone, only to reach for it a second too late. “You owe me a fucking phone, asshole,” I snarled, watching in dismay as mine fell through the metal slats of a road drain.
“I figured I’d find ya sniffing around her neck of the woods.” The familiar sound of his voice had every muscle in my body locking tight in fearful anticipation. “Relax, boy, I only want to talk to ya.”
Panicked and off-kilter, I quickly straightened up to my full height, poised for trouble. And pain. “What the fuck do you want?”
“To talk,” my father slurred, holding one hand up, while the other fisted a bottle of his poison of choice. Whiskey. “Just talk, boy. That’s all.”
“We have nothing to talk about,” I sneered, taking a safe step back from him, and then hating myself for doing it.
Jesus, this man made my skin crawl. The familiar smell of that particular top shelf spirit twisted my stomach up in knots. It had been so long since I’d laid eyes on him that I’d almost forgotten about the feeling of terror he could evoke from me.
Almost.
“I’m not talking to you,” I warned, holding a hand up when he stepped closer.
“Did you read my letter?”
“Fuck your letter,” I spat, vaguely remembering the bullshit spiel he’d put down on paper to make us feel sorry for him. But then again, a lot of the past few months was a jaded blur to me. “And fuck you.”
“I need you to do something for me,” he said, somehow angling our bodies so that I was the one cornered in the alleyway entrance, with him blocking my escape. “I need you to talk to your mother for me. She listens to you. She’ll take me back if you tell her to.”
“Take you back?” I laughed humorlessly. “Are you completely off your head? There’s no back for you, old man. You almost killed your own daughter. You’re going to prison, asshole, not home to your wife.”
“I’m not going to prison, boy,” he replied, sounding so sure of himself that it didn’t settle well with me. “But you’re going to hell if you don’t sort this out for me.”
“Then I’ll see ya there,” I spat, unwilling to bend to this asshole, no matter how badly he set my teeth on edge.
In a weird way, his abuse was familiar.
Unlike my mother, I knew where I stood with my father.
It gave me a sick sort of fearful comfort.
I knew that didn’t make sense, but it was how I felt – on the rare occasion I slipped up and allowed myself to feel.
His cruelty was home to me.
It was all I knew.
I could handle his attacks because I knew they were coming.
I never knew what was coming with Mam.
Jesus, I was seriously messed up in the head.
With the hairs standing on the back of my neck, I watched him watch me.
His cold dead eyes were locked on mine, sending a cold shiver down my spine that resulted in my body shuddering.
“You think you know it all, boy,” he said, taking a menacing step towards me. “Think you’re better than me, but you’ll see. As soon as that pretty girl of yours spits that kid out, you’ll see. You’ll understand what it’s like to be trapped.”
“Don’t fucking talk about her,” I warned, hackles rising. “I mean it.”
“You’ll know what it feels like,” he continued to goad me – and step closer. “You’ll finally learn what it feels like to be me.”
“I’ll never be you,” I warned, backing up further. “I’d rather slit my fucking wrists than become you!”
“You’re already me,” he roared heatedly. “You’ve always been me, boy. Look at ya,” he pushed, closing the space between us and clamping a beefy hand on my shoulder. “You can’t leave her alone any more than I can leave your mother. Isn’t that proof enough for ya?”
My blood ran cold.
His words rocked me to my core.
Because he was voicing my deepest fears aloud.
Worse, he was voicing the truth.
Because it was true.
I couldn’t leave Molloy alone.
The resemblance was uncanny, and it caused my mind to spiral.
“It’s not the same thing,” I strangled out, feeling my body bow from the pressure as I jerked away from him, while drowning in the comparison. “I would never hurt her the way you hurt Mam.”
“That’s what I used to think,” he replied. “I used to think I’d never hurt your mother the way my old man hurt mine. Believe it or not, I’ve loved her my whole life. I can remember how it felt at the beginning. How special she was. How much I adored her. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t repeat my own father’s mistakes.” He choked out a humorless laugh. “And look where I am, boy?”
“My mother was a vulnerable teenage girl, and you took advantage,” I choked out, trembling. “You’re a fucking monster!”
“Do you think I was born this way, boy?” he demanded, taking another swig from his bottle. “I’m a product of my upbringing. Same as you.”
“I’m not you,” I ground out. “I refuse to be you.”
“You can’t stop it, Joey,” he replied, using my name for impact. It worked. It rattled me. “You can’t fight your nature, boy.” He took another slug of whiskey. “Only way you’re changing the ending of your story is if you walk away from that girl and her kid and we both know you’ll never do it.” He shook his head in defeat before adding, “God knows I couldn’t.”
BATED BREATH
AOIFE
When twenty minutes past by with no sign of Joey, I didn’t panic too much, deciding to give him the benefit of the doubt. After all, he wasn’t superman. The boy was a fast runner, but he couldn’t fly here. However, when twenty minutes turned to thirty, and then forty, and fifty, I began to pace my bedroom floor, anxious and on edge.
When I phoned him, the call went straight to voicemail.
An hour passed by.
And then another one.
Something was wrong.
I could feel it in my bones.
Franticly trying and failing to get hold of my boyfriend, I bombarded his sister with text messages, desperate to know if he had been in touch with any of his family.
Because this felt all wrong.
I knew Joey, hell, I knew him like the back of my hand, and while he absolutely had a serious drug problem, he wouldn’t call to say he was coming over if he didn’t plan to. If Joe wanted to get high, he would do exactly that and then show up. He was an ‘ask for forgiveness, not permission’ type of guy. The only time in our entire relationship that he bailed on me like that was the night his father beat Tadhg, which led me to believe that something very bad must have happened to him.
With bated breath, I grabbed my phone and tapped out another frantic text message to his sister.
Any sign of him?
Not yet. Mam’s downstairs with Darren. I can hear them arguing about Joe.
No offense, but Darren is a big dildo.
Agreed. They’re talking about Joe like he hasn’t kept this whole family together for the past six years. It makes me sick.