“You’re asking me to remember something that happened a million years ago.”
“Three and a half years ago, not a million,” she replied calmly.
“Three and a half,” I repeated with a chuckle.
“This is funny?”
“No, it’s just…” Shaking my head, I smirked to myself as memories of past conversations flashed through my mind. “It’s just something Aoife would say a lot.”
“When?”
“When asked about how long she was with her ex.”
Dr. B smiled before turning her attention back to her creepy quest. “The night you lost your virginity. Tell me about the lead up.”
“Jesus, this is awkward.”
“Humor me.”
“It was Halloween night,” I admitted. “The night Sean was born.”
“2001?”
“Yeah.”
“Please continue.”
“There was this underage disco being held in town, and I went with a few of the lads,” I told her, thinking back. “I had a run in with Paul the prick. He was getting handsy with Aoife at the time.”
“And that triggered you?”
“It did more than trigger me.”
“Keep going.”
“I fucked off with a few of my friends, did a line of coke – actually, I did a lot of lines.”
“All cocaine?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I had a thing for oxy at the time.”
“The pills.”
“Yeah, but I preferred to crush and snort them.”
“For a faster, more intense release.”
I nodded, shifting around in my seat, as the familiar hunger roared to life inside of me. “Anyway, I was off my head, and I remember her taking me around the side of the building.”
“Aoife?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Danielle.”
“And what happened next, Joey?”
“I was just…” I frowned, trying to piece it all together again. “I was kissing her, and then she was unzipping me, and had her hands on me.”
“On your penis.”
“I didn’t mind,” I replied with a nod. “I mean, it was nice. It felt nice. It was just… more of a surprise than anything.”
“Because she was touching you intimately?”
“Because I was off my head at the time,” I admitted before adding, “Because I wasn’t even seeing her in my mind.”
“Who were you seeing?”
“Aoife.”
She jotted something down on paper before saying, “Keep going, Joey.”
“She had me pinned to the wall, and I remember trying to lift my hands up to calm everything down, but I just… I couldn’t move them. And then, she was, ah, then I was sitting on the ground, with a condom on my dick, and I was inside her.”
“You were inside her.” The doctor frowned. “Would it be more fitting to say that she was on you?”
I shrugged in response. “It was just… a very confusing fucking night.”
“Because you didn’t consent.”
“I was hard.”
“Having an erection is a perfectly human reaction to stimulation.”
“Pretty sure I came, too.”
“Again, ejaculation is the body’s response to stimulation.”
“Yeah, well.” I threw my hands up and laughed. “I went back and willingly fucked her a least a dozen more times over the years, so it mustn’t have been that bad.”
The doctor didn’t laugh. “But you weren’t willing that night. And even if you were, you were intoxicated and incapable of giving consent.”
“Can we not?” I said, tone warning. “I’ve already heard this spiel from Shannon, and I’m not buying in, okay? I’m not a victim. I wasn’t fucking raped. I got high and I fucked around. It happens.”
“Are you open to acknowledging the possibility that you were taken advantage of?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m not a victim.”
“Can I suggest something?”
“Go for it.”
“If your sister came to you with the same scenario, some random boy from her class at school had taken her virginity in the same way yours was taken, how would you react?”
I stiffened. “Don’t.”
“How would you feel about that, Joey?”
“Murderous.”
“Because?”
“Because it wouldn’t be right, dammit!”
“But it’s okay that it happened to you because you’re a male?”
I opened my mouth to answer her, but nothing came out.
Fuck.
“I…” Shaking my head, I hissed out a growl. “I see what you’re doing here, doc, and it won’t work.”
“You have been let down and taken advantage of in terrible ways,” she continued. “I understand why you refuse to consider yourself a victim, and whether I agree or not, I respect your narrative, but I need you to accept that what happened to you was not acceptable and a serious breach of trust and consent.”
BIRTH PLANS
AOIFE
“So, you’ve hit the twenty-eight-week mark,” the doctor mused, wiping the gunk off my belly when she was finished scanning me. “How are you feeling?”
“On the way over here, we drove past a field with a pregnant pony in it,” I told her, as she helped pull me off the examination table so that I could adjust my clothes. “I swear, that poor pony was wider horizontally than she was long vertically.” I blew out a breath and padded back to the desk. “So, yeah, I feel like that pony.”
“Aoife,” Mam chastised from her chair.
“What?” I huffed, lowering myself down on the seat next to my mother. “She asked.”
Smothering a laugh, I watched as the doctor flicked through my maternity folder, scribbling and jotting down notes as she went. “You’ll come back to see us at 32 weeks, and again at 36 weeks. After that, you’ll come bi-weekly until 38 weeks when you’ll come weekly until you deliver.”
Deliver.
Jesus, that was a scary word.
“Have you discussed your birth plan with a midwife?”
“Yeah.” I squirmed in my chair, feeling a sudden spark of panic rise up in me. “I’ve been through the plan.”
“And you’ve chosen your birth partner?”
“Me,” Mam interjected. “I’ll be going with her when she delivers.”
“No.” I rolled my eyes. “My boyfriend will be coming with me.”
“Aoife.” Mam’s eyes filled with concern. “We don’t know if he’ll be back by then.“
“He’ll be back,” I confirmed, turning my attention to the doctor. “Joey Lynch,” I said, pointing at my file. “You can jot that down. He’s my birth partner.”
BREAKTHROUGHS AND BEGGING
JOEY
“Come on, Joey,” the good doctor coaxed, as she sat opposite me in my own personal prison cell. Yeah, we had moved on from Joseph to Joey, and Dr. Bianca Rushton to Dr. B, or just plain doc. “We have another forty-five minutes of our daily session left. You’ve been doing so well at articulating your feelings. Don’t clam up now.”