The protective feeling was so strong, so dominant and potent, that it felt almost carnal in nature, as it eclipsed the fear that had kept me burying my head in the sand these past few weeks.
I’m pregnant, I suddenly realized, as if it genuinely only registered in my brain at this very moment that I was, in fact, having a baby.
His baby, my mind chorused, as my eyes looked on in horror at the boy bombed out in the cubicle, you’re having his baby.
Look at him.
Look at what you’ve attached yourself to.
Taking a minute to regain my composure, to absorb the multitude of feelings rushing through me, I cleared my throat and pushed the door in enough to let him know that I was there.
Swaying against the windowsill, Joey turned his head to look at me.
“Molloy,” Joey slurred, mashing his lips together, as he squinted and strained to focus on my face.
“I’m not doing this with you again.”
His brows slowly furrowed and he tilted his head to one side, clearly trying to make sense of my words in the fog of his mind. It took him longer than usual to register what I had said before he slowly shook his head. “It’s not what it looks like.”
“Oh yeah, because I’ve clearly read the room all wrong,” I choked out, gesturing wildly to where he was slumped. “I can’t.” I shook my head, feeling the threat of my emotions brimming to the surface, desperate to explode out of me. “I can’t go through this with you again.”
“Then keep walking,” he mumbled, still swaying unsteadily, as he tried to straighten himself up, only to fail miserably and land on the closed toilet. “Because I am what I am.”
His words were like a slap across the face and I flinched. “You are what you are?”
“Yeah.” Shaking his head, he tried to climb to his feet again, and this time, he was successful. “So just walk the fuck away, Molloy.”
Ouch.
“You’re telling me to walk away when you can’t even walk a straight line.” I narrowed my eyes in disgust. “Look at the state of you.”
“You said that you can’t do this with me again,” he slurred, as he half-walked, half-staggered out of the cubicle, reaching for the wall to steady himself when his balance went. “But it’s the same for me.” Brows furrowed, he shook his head again, looking completely spaced out, as he tried and failed to focus on my face. “I can’t do this with you, either.”
Forget being slapped by his words; I was being stabbed by them. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I should have stayed the fuck away when we ended it at Christmas,” he slurred, aiming his words at my heart like bullets. “Instead of dragging this bullshit out for another three months.”
“And I presume this bullshit you’re referring to is me?” I swallowed down the lump in my throat before hissing, “Well, fuck you, Joey Lynch.”
I turned around to leave then, only to halt in my tracks when his arm came around my waist, pulling me back against his chest.
“I’m sorry.” He exhaled a heavy breath and tightened his arm around my body. “I fucked up.”
“Yeah, you did,” I squeezed out, trembling all over, as I resisted the urge to sag against him, because, let’s face it, he could barely hold himself up in this moment. “You’re a fucking asshole.”
“I know.” A pained groan escaped him and he dropped his head to rest on my shoulder. “I know, baby.”
“You’re hurting me.”
He groaned in pain. “Shh, stop saying that.”
“This hurts me, Joey.”
Another pained groan escaped his lips. “No, no, no, I would never hurt you.”
“You hurt yourself and that's the same thing,” I choked out. “Because when you hurt, I hurt. When you burn, I go down in flames with you. We're entwined, Joe. We're mirrors. Don’t you get that by now?”
“Ah fuck.” Trembling violently, he pulled me closer. “I’m sorry for hurting ya, Molloy.”
“Listen to me, Joe; I really need you to sort your shit out, okay?” Shivering when I felt his lips brush against my ear, I clenched my eyes shut and tried to steady my nerves. “Because remember when I said I didn’t need you before?” I clenched my eyes shut and squeezed out, “Well, I definitely need you now, okay?”
“No, you don’t,” he mumbled, as his hand moved to splay over my stomach, causing everything inside of me to twist up in knots. “I’m the bullshit, Molloy. I’m the fucking bullshit in this relationship. You bring all the good, and I bring all the bad.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is.”
“Regardless,” I croaked out. “I need you to draw a line under whatever the hell this is, and come back to me, okay? Because I’m, ah…” Exhaling a ragged breath, I let my head fall back and stared up at the ceiling as I tried to find the words. “I’m having a – I mean we’re having…” Ugh. Shivering violently, I practically spat the words, “a baby,” out of my mouth in a breathy rush.
”A baby,” he repeated slowly, voice slurred. “Where’s the baby?”
“In here,” I croaked out, reaching down to cover the hand he had splayed over my belly.
“In you?”
With my entire body rigid with tension, I forced a small nod.
“What’s it doing in there?”
“You put it there, Joe.”
“I did?”
“Yeah.” I blew out a shaky breath. “You did.”
“Well shit,” he slurred, nuzzling my neck with his nose. “I’m sorry, Molloy. I didn’t mean to.”
“Are you mad?”
“Hm?”
“Mad, Joe,” I repeated, swallowing down a surge of hysteria. “Are you mad?”
“No, I’m not mad,” he murmured drowsily.
“Are you hearing me?”
“Hm?”
“Joe?”
“Hm?”
“You’ll remember this, right?” Turning around to face him, I cupped his face between my hands, and forced him to look at me. “This conversation.” I reiterated when he didn’t respond. When his black eyes stared straight through me. “Me?”
“Sure.” Hooking an arm around my waist, he, once again, buried his face in my neck and released a sigh of contentment. “You smell like home.”
This was pointless.
He wasn’t here.
At least, his mind wasn’t present.
“Come on,” I cleared my throat and said, “I’ll take you somewhere to sleep it off.”
“I thought you were done with me,” he replied, pressing the softest of kisses to my neck. “I thought he took you away from me.” Exhaling a pained groan, he buried his face in my neck. “I’ve fucked it again, Molloy.”
“I’m not done with you, Joe,” I squeezed out, shivering. “And it’s okay. You’ll be okay.”
“So will you, Molloy.” His arms tightened around my body, and even in his altered state of mind, he somehow managed to say the right thing. “Because I’ll look after the both of you.”