“This conversation would work better over beer than coffee.”
“That bad, huh?”
I rub my face with both hands, wondering how much to say. These guys won’t spread anything around, I know that, and I could use a hand on how to proceed here.
“Everything I’m about to say is between us.”
Art nods. “Obviously.”
“Beau has a thing for me,” I say.
To my surprise, neither of them looks shocked. Instead, Griffin scowls. “Dammit, now I owe Orson twenty bucks.”
“What?”
“That day we saw him here, he bet me that Beau was interested in you. Damn guy has a radar for these things.”
“Wow. Thanks for the heads-up.”
“Dude, you were living with him,” Art says. “Saying anything would have messed that up. Besides, Beau used to have the hots for you when we were younger too, so it isn’t exactly groundbreaking news. You really didn’t know?”
“No clue.”
“How did you find out?” Griffin asks.
“He told me.”
“Good for him.”
“After we hooked up.”
And there’s the shock I was expecting.
“Fuck me,” Griffin mutters. “You lucky bastard.”
I groan and cover my face again. “I thought so too until he dropped the crush thing on me.”
“Crush? What are we, in high school?” Art shakes his head. “The man has feelings for you. At least say it like it is.”
“I’m only echoing what he’s said.”
“And you believe him?” Griffin looks at me like I deserve his pity. “I’ve been with exactly one person since I was eighteen. I’m naive when it comes to relationships, but even I know crushes don’t last twenty years.”
Art agrees. “He’s downplaying.”
“Well, fuck you both very much.” This isn’t the conversation I was hoping for. “You’re supposed to be making me feel better about this whole thing. The crush made it easy to focus on being friends.”
“Oh no,” Griffin mocks. “A cute guy has the hots for you. How terrible.”
I flip him off, and he laughs.
“I take it you don’t feel the same way?”
The problem is, it’s so confusing to try and work out. I think I do. When I picture Beau, my chest gets warm, and I can’t help smile over the thought of him doing something obliviously naive. But what if I’m just latching onto the thought of him because he’s interested and my ego has been damaged? “I’m going through a divorce. That’s my only relationship focus right now.”
“So you need help with what?” Art asks. “How to act with him?”
“No, so far that part has been fine. Not a whole lot has changed, which is good.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
I cringe and take a long sip of my coffee while I think about how to word this next part without sounding like a total dick. Because … the way I feel makes me a dick. “He has a date tonight.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?” Art asks.
“Of course.” I tap my knuckles on the table. “Which is why I shouldn’t be so annoyed about it.”
Griffin leans forward. “Oh, this is good.”
“Shut up.” Art whacks the back of his head. “I thought you didn’t like him.”
“I don’t. Well, I mean … If he didn’t have a crush or feelings or whatever, I would have wanted to keep hooking up, but beyond that …” Beyond that, if I wasn’t going through a divorce, I’d be all in easily.
“Oh, so this is some kind of toxic masculinity thing?” Art asks. “Beau is your toy.”
Wow, that doesn’t make me sound good. “Is that what this is?”
“You’re the only one who knows that.”
I scowl because that doesn’t help me. “I don’t think it’s that.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“I dunno.” It’s weird discussing this, but I know I need to. “He’s helped me with some stuff to do with my fucker ex, and I’ve helped him out with some of his book stuff. It’s like we both have each other. I don’t want that to change.”
Art and Griffin are both nodding, so at least I know I’m on the right track with explaining.
“And also, the guy he’s dating tonight is a total douche.”
Art laughs. “I know what your problem is.”
“You do?”
Griffin’s studying me. “I think I do too. Maybe.”
“Is the brain trust going to share with me?”
“You’re jealous.” Art says it like it’s the easiest thing in the world.
“Yeah, no.”
“Oh, yes.”
Fuck, I think he’s right.
“You might not be there yet, but you want to want to date him. With the divorce happening, you don’t feel like you have anything to offer, so you’re hoping he’ll hang around, stroking your ego—”
“And other things,” Griffin helpfully cuts in.
“Yes, those too. Stroking your ego and your other things until you decide a relationship is on the table.”
“Okay, so let’s say I did have feelings, it doesn’t change anything. It would still be too soon, right?”
“Why? And why is it a race? The thing is, you don’t have to act on these hypothetical feelings. Maybe they come to nothing, or maybe you want to give them time to grow, or you’re still feeling sore from being betrayed. Wherever you’re at, just be genuine with him. Spend time with him. Show him you care, even if you’re not ready to say it.”
“Hypothetically.”
Art gives me a look. “Sure, hypothetically.”
“And how does that hypothetically help me tonight?”
“It doesn’t. You’re shit out of luck there.”
I stare out at the water. “He could do so much better.”
“Beau doesn’t think so.”
That’s true. Beau has been angry over what Kyle did, but he’s never looked at me with pity. It’s one of the reasons I’m so comfortable around him. Sometimes I catch him watching me with this hopeful puppy expression, and it makes me want to be worth that level of affection. “I’m very confused.”
“I wish Orson wasn’t working,” Art says.
“Why?”
“Because of all of us, he’d understand. My marriage was over in like a second, and I jumped straight back out there.”
“And with mine,” Griffin says. “It’s been a long one, but we’re both more than ready to move on.”
“Exactly,” Art says. “Orson is the only one of us who has felt that kind of raw heartbreak and facing the uphill climb of trying to rebuild a life with someone.”
“That.” I point at him. “That’s what it is. An uphill climb.”
“Yeah, but there’s a reason people climb Everest.” Griffin rubs his jaw. “Sometimes it’s worth it. And while I might not know what you’re going through, Beau’s a catch. If there is something there, my only advice is to stop focusing on everything else because that shit is just noise. If I had a Beau after me, I wouldn’t hesitate.” He gives me an evil smile. “And if he’s still single when my divorce goes through, you better believe I’ll be hitting him up.”